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Original poster

To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

194 replies

mamamanda · 22/12/2023 21:08

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 05:32

Mil /DIL a male gay friend said “ Both wife and mother love the same man.. many mothers of young sons will be MILs one day.

..it’s a relationship fraught with difficulties so often.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 05:34

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2023 00:12

IMHO I wouldn't play any 'games' or retaliate with anything, or set up anything that will escalate things.

Just put her straight...

Juice got on the top in the car not at home....

I sing to the kids a lot....

Kids are a good size for age...

They'll have good fun with you, of course and good fun when we go to XYZ in a few days.

Lastly, if she doesn't acknowledge you when you arrive, either let it slide or you acknowledge her, maybe a compliment - you look great or something smells nice, etc.

TBF 5 minutes is not that long.

This sounds by far the best option.

MikeRafone · 23/12/2023 05:39

Smile sweetly and say rude things in your own language with such a cheery sweet voice

ughChristmas · 23/12/2023 06:01

oakleaffy · 23/12/2023 05:32

Mil /DIL a male gay friend said “ Both wife and mother love the same man.. many mothers of young sons will be MILs one day.

..it’s a relationship fraught with difficulties so often.

Edited

It doesn't have to be. Respect is the name of the game. They love the same man but it's not a competition. There's room for them both. I think MILs find that harder. I do the opposite to my MIL and it's working so far.

Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 06:20

isthewashingdryyet · 22/12/2023 21:15

When you DH comes back in the room,

darling listen to this, so funny, your mum thinks I don’t sing with our baby. Tell her I never stop

your mum is making me laugh so much, she thinks we won’t have fun with my family, tell her about my dad making you laugh last t8me we were there

sweetheart, your mum thinks I don’t feed our baby, go on, tell her how much the baby eats

all said with a huge smile on your face as if she is the funniest person you have ever met.

the tinkling laugh is useful here too.

she is not a nice woman at all is she

This ^^

Also why does your husband care more about his mother's feelings than your feelings?

Longwhiskers · 23/12/2023 06:20

Jeez, in your situation I would try and put a stop to this otherwise you’ll have it for years. Wait for a quiet moment and pull her aside. I would say firmly and coldly that you know exactly what she is doing with her remarks and if she carries on with this shit you will leave early with the child (only threaten this if you can).

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 23/12/2023 06:30

The whole family really worships MIL and no one ever says a word against her.

This is the issue. Whatever way you use to pull her up, she will turn it on you that you are being unreasonable and do that 'hurt' thing people like her do e.g. 'of course I didn't mean it like that 😢' turning others at you not her.

50soonouch · 23/12/2023 06:35

wildwestpioneer · 22/12/2023 21:23

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!" did you not hear dh say dc spilt juice on it? Maybe you should get your hearing tested in the new year

B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered hi MIL did you not see me, maybe a visit to specsavers for your hearing and eyes in the new year

C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3 they prefer my countries (insert name) food which is much healthier, I think people in the uk are far more overweight, don't you mil

D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family they can't wait to see my family, they have so much fun with them

E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!" I sing to them in 'insert language' dh sings in English, maybe that's why they don't know as much

I'd have no problem being straight with her. You could have a bit of fun. If your dh is in ear shot, simply repeat what she's said or bring it up at the dinner table. "Dh, your dm suggested our dc is slim, do you think it's something we're not feeding them?" Or "dh your dm thinks dc don't know any English nursery rhymes, what do you think" and then keep on going, "oh dh your dm mentioned we should leave the dc with them as they'll have more fun here. What do you reckon?"

So stupidly over the top. Please dont say any of this OP.

Dibbydoos · 23/12/2023 06:41

@mamamanda why are you letting her control the narrative.

Find your friendly self and get stuck in being super nice. She will not be able to resoond negatively without everyone seeing it.

And don't wait for people to say hello to you, say it first. Noone can ignore you if you are leading.

Merry Christmas.

50soonouch · 23/12/2023 06:43

stealthninjamum · 22/12/2023 22:13

This thread is Mumsnet at its best, so many good suggestions.

Personally I think every time she said something offensive I’d look at her directly and say something humorous or silly to your child in your own language so that you both laugh to make her paranoid. If she complains to your dh you’ve done nothing wrong.

This tops all the suggestions here. Please do this op.

Ambi · 23/12/2023 06:46

Definitely pull her up every time. "It's just the way she is" is a piss poor excuse to allow her to treat people like shit without any comeuppance. In your shoes I'd be reacting every time to push the point across in a lighthearted "of course not. Don't be silly". It completely minimises her intended barbed comments and makes her look stupid.

You could always have fun too, "Hi MIL, [big over the top hug] always lovely to see you too. Oh are you not feeling well? you look tired "[concerned face]

MondayBags678 · 23/12/2023 06:54

She’s nasty it’s passive aggression sounds like she’s insecure in her place
has she always been so mean? Has anything happened? It sounds a bit like how my mil was I figured out hers came from a place of insecurity and wanting more as a granny her expectations were more than ours and didn’t match. She was deeply jealous of anything my parents got to do and was so bitter in the things that she said.
Think you have been given some good advice and if your dh can say something I’d maybe get him to have a chat and try find out what her problem might be
its disrespectful towards you
if you can tolerate her try to think of the positives such as how much she either on dgc
howev I’d be inclined to say with your husband that if she continues to disrespect you so openly that it will be the last Xmas you ever spend as why should you suffer a rude and unhappy xmas
does your dh know how you feel?

50soonouch · 23/12/2023 07:00

Gem176 · 23/12/2023 03:11

Wait until she serves Christmas dinner and then say "is this what granny meant by NICE food? Yikes!" Then pull a face.

That or extreme sarcasm.

"Washing? Christ no, why would we do that when we can get you to do it for us" followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Nice food? Ha! Lucky if we make them any food" followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Oh hello there Eleanor, must have missed each other when I came in. iIt's been nowhere near long enough" and then a big hug and a beaming smile.

"Sing? Oh no we much prefer to just stick DC in front of YouTube while we enjoy the peace" again followed by lighthearted laughter.

"Oh I know dragging DC off to have an abysmal time with my family. Imagine that, such terrible parents we are when they could stay..... here" coupled with a disparaging look around the room with your gaze finally landing squarely on the bitch from hell.

Don't know how you all do it. I'm almost glad I don't have a MIL as some of them sound bloody awful.

Extreme sarcasm...sigh 🙄

CunkEverywhereOnEverything · 23/12/2023 07:03

My ex MIL was like that. My ex did fuck all about it so I started to fight back. She did step up her campaign of cuntery but as long as I kept my voice friendly and a smile on my face she couldn’t complain and neither could her useless fucking son.

so for example: MIL: “oh no DGD I don’t like you in that dress the colour doesn’t suit you at all! What was mummy thinking?”
Me: “you look wonderful DD, poor grandma needs to get her lenses checked in spec-savers again. You’d thought she would after the last time she made that whoopsie”. Concerned smile on my face, head tilt.

Ladyj84 · 23/12/2023 07:05

How odd your hubby doesn't stand up and say something. I had this from one of his sister's and he very quickly put her in her place. Eventually she wouldn't quit being nasty and rude and he cut her off. Haven't seen or heard from her in 2 years now

CornishIrish · 23/12/2023 07:07

I nearly broke up with my husband after his overbearing Mother moved ten minutes away from us. In the end I made it clear, deal with her or prepare to move in with her. He had to talk to her several times. I also did have to bite back a few times too.

We have a pretty good relationship now, she occasionally puts her foot in it but it’s manageable. It’s about pushing back and keeping boundaries whilst not burning the whole thing down and showing a United front.

She is obviously jealous and you can feel sorry for her but you don’t need to put up with it.

Jifmicroliquid · 23/12/2023 07:08

Whenever she says something, say, “Sorry, can you say that again?” or “Did you mean to be that rude?”

People like that are all brave until challenged. I’d enjoy watching her squirm!

ScarlettSunset · 23/12/2023 07:29

My ex in law's behaved in a similar way to me. Eventually I refused to have anything to do with them.
I can't say I ever felt I missed out on anything.

Ivymom · 23/12/2023 07:38

My MIL tried this stuff when we first married. My DH didn’t notice at first because he grew up with her nasty comments and ignoring people. Once I pointed it out to DH, after a visit where I finally had enough, he believed me and started calling out her behavior. He also never leaves me or our children alone with her. She finally stopped when he told her that he doesn’t allow anyone to disrespect me and we would never see her again if she didn’t knock it off. I only had to tell him once that if he didn’t intervene, I would call her out and I wouldn’t hold back and then our children and I wouldn’t see her again.

HoppingPavlova · 23/12/2023 07:46

we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home

To be frank I’m not surprised she is a bit ‘off’ if she is thrust a dirty piece of clothing on arrival and asked to wash it? Who does that? Surely, stick it in a plastic bag and either yourself or DH washes it once you get home? I just can’t see any situation where someone rocks up to another persons house, hands over dirty clothing and asks for it be washed. I’m wondering if there is a backstory here with other such bizarre behaviour and maybe she is retaliating against that?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 23/12/2023 07:56

You have a DH problem.

Wildhorses2244 · 23/12/2023 07:57

Most of the jibes seem to be coming from a place of sexism so I’d probably start by “defending “ dh against those ones and see what happens.

“Of course dh feeds his child, why would you think he doesn’t?”

”Actually, I think dh is doing a great job of teaching him English nursery rhymes- it’s just that he’s chosen different ones from you”

She can’t very well respond with actually I was only criticising you about his food/nursery rhyme etc can she. And I suspect dh might suddenly hear the comments if they’re about him….

StBrides · 23/12/2023 08:02

Can't you just say, "give it a rest with passive aggressive comments for a few days, mil" and visibly roll your eyes if she does it again

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 08:11

Clearly MIL is using nasty PA comments, a reflection of her relationship with her family, where she's in charge, and as OP says, adored.

The suggestions PP made about clearly calling out the comments, or asking her to repeat what she said, are a good approach - though have the potential to create a lot of upset at Christmas, which may not be worth it.

The low level response is to ignore her and spend as much time away from her as you can (long walks, read in your room).

A mature, appropriate way to address the issue is a suggested by a PP to separately tell her clearly it's upsetting and does she realise it. That's best done at a time that isn't Christmas.

The many posts suggesting silly, equally PA, idiotic responses make me despair. It's so immature. The idea that you might get somewhere by leaning across the table and making a comment about her future care is ridiculous - it's nasty as well as stupid (of course it won't be OP deciding on 'calibre of care' - MIL has 2 DC).

Equally overreacting with PA sarcasm ('of course I starve him' etc) is being as bad as she is.

OP is an adult and needs to address the situation like one.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 08:14

wildwestpioneer · 22/12/2023 21:23

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!" did you not hear dh say dc spilt juice on it? Maybe you should get your hearing tested in the new year

B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered hi MIL did you not see me, maybe a visit to specsavers for your hearing and eyes in the new year

C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3 they prefer my countries (insert name) food which is much healthier, I think people in the uk are far more overweight, don't you mil

D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family they can't wait to see my family, they have so much fun with them

E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!" I sing to them in 'insert language' dh sings in English, maybe that's why they don't know as much

I'd have no problem being straight with her. You could have a bit of fun. If your dh is in ear shot, simply repeat what she's said or bring it up at the dinner table. "Dh, your dm suggested our dc is slim, do you think it's something we're not feeding them?" Or "dh your dm thinks dc don't know any English nursery rhymes, what do you think" and then keep on going, "oh dh your dm mentioned we should leave the dc with them as they'll have more fun here. What do you reckon?"

This is a particularly desperate example.

Would you really stand in front of someone and suggest they needed to go to Specsavers / get their hearing checked / go on about obesity?

It's utterly immature, rude & ineffective.