To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

[mamamanda]

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

That sounds awful Mrs Spoon. Walking away in those circumstances is the best thing to do. And much more grown up than hanging round slinging insults back and forth which I totally do not get as a suggested tactic.

Next time she says something like that, ask her 'Sorry, could you repeat that' or 'What did you mean by that comment?'

Rinse and repeat. She won't like having to explain herself but she is vile.

I wouldn’t even entertain this or try and explain myself. Just ignore and carry on as normal. She is not better than you!

when my dc were born my mil would make comments and try and give advice.. ie breastfeeding- are you feeding him again? You need to leave them to cry they’re manipulating you. Walking off with my baby when they were crying and facing him away from me. I just stopped going round so much and only with dh. We are just different people in so many ways. I mainly leave it to dh now and have stopped worrying what she thinks. It’s quite liberating.

I used to think that my MIL was the problem because FIL would be overtly friendly. MIL would ignore me totally. It turned out he was abusively controlling. I expected her to behave like an independent person making her own choices - I thought she chose to ignore me or be disrespectful or was rude to me.

DH always encouraged me to see the problem was his DM because he feared the reaction of his DF. I only saw the truth when DH and his DF went to collect a takeaway and it was delayed and I was left alone with her - never before happened. She was friendly but then terrified she had been friendly and wanted to retreat into her previous role.

DH is an EX now. Wasn't prepared to stop his DF from extending his abuse to me or our DC with his casual cruelty.

This woman doesn't like you so standing up for yourself - what do you have to lose?
Be rude back to her- she's only going to like you less than she does already.
If your dh has something to say, then you should think about whether being with a spineless wimp is worth being treated so badly over.

My MIL used to do this. I stopped it by responding directly to her, every time. So "I'm not silly mummy and it's a shame you aren't proud of having a clever bilingual Granddaughter" "DD has a lovely time with my family too, why would you think otherwise?'

There is a difference though because My MIL is actually a nice person, it was just a bit of boundary issue. Both her DM and MIL overrode her when she had DH and SIL, and it came out in this passive-aggressive weirdness when she became a grandparent.
I've never been able to stop her re-pegging my washing though!

It’s concerning that she’s involving your DC in these comments.

My gran bullied my DM and then moved on to me (bullying me for being ‘too thin’). My parents didn’t stand up to her.
I wish they had responded with positive comments in front of her; ‘she’s beautiful just the way she is’ / ‘isn’t it amazing how people come in all different shapes and sizes’, etc.

Privately, they needed to make it clear with her not to comment on my appearance, and if she kept doing it then no more contact. Clear boundaries and consequences.

Don’t leave DC alone with her.

I also wish my parents acknowledged my gran’s comments to me, and spoken about bullying in general. Why do people make such comments? It’s NOT ok. Could it be they were hurt in their own lives? Were their parents/ grandparents bullies? How sad their lives must be to feel they need to hurt others. Remove the power from the bully, make them seem small and insecure. I feel understanding why people bully helped me understand it had NOTHING to do with me. Hurt people hurt people.

This is a very wise post. We actually had a teacher at school who taught us to say hurt people hurt to the bullies face and it was a surprisingly effective strategy.
I also really endorse your comments about how the children are actually the victims of this as much as OP. That’s why I don’t like the idea of back and forth quips and digs with MIL. She needs to be taken aside and have it made clear that op considers this detrimental to the children and their relationship with MIL.

I think your mother in law sounds insensitive and tactless, but do her comments really matter? I really couldn't be bothered to pick her up on any of the comments you've mentioned - what's the point?

What a cow.

i would be leaving first thing Boxing Day personally and not returning.

DH - why isn’t he sticking up for you?

Don’t let her see she’s annoyed you?

That's very unkind. Why would you say that to me?

Or sorry, what did you say? I didn't catch it.

If she repeats it, pause while looking at her then say anyway, how has your week been?

Doesn't mummy feed you
No, have to keep him thin enough to earn his keep getting up all those chimneys.

Crappy head tilt and puzzled voice "what a strange thing to say."

Not acknowledging you
Hahaha shall I use my cloak of invisibility for good or for evil.

There's loads of things you can do.

Err because when you're a guest in someone's home for a week you will prob need to follow their washing routine while there - politely asking if the soiled jumper can be included when she puts a wash on next is more polite than just marching into the kitchen and putting on a wash for one jumper!

@mamamanda - how near are you to your own home? Is it a short-ish drive, a long drive or a flight away from your MiL’s place?
I’m only asking in case you decide to leave the “celebrations”, whether it’s an easy or difficult journey for you.

If I were you, I’d ask granny to look after the kids while you and your DH go for a walk. During that walk, I’d lay out my issues with how his mother was speaking to me, I’d ask him to really listen to what she is saying and then to imagine himself in my position being at the receiving end of these barbs. If he’s on your side, he’ll do that. Then he might actually stand up for you but at the moment, she is ruling the roost and woe betide anyone who might rock the status quo. He’s also conditioned to believe that she is right and your opinion is wrong (because it’s different, it’s contrary to hers and oh, she’s his mother).

As for the comments about feeding your kids, I’d nip that one in the bud and not allow her to make any further comments about how much or what your kids eat as you do not want them to develop an eating disorder or pick up on the nuances she’s making.

When we told mil I was pregnant she spoke to me like a dc that accidents happen.. I was 42.. When dp left the room she hissed at me his ex had wanted his dc... I made dp ring her that night to tell her ds was actually planned and we were very happy. Had recently got engaged. Ds was born premature.. Dh and mil had words and she dumped us all. Haven't seen her since 2nd of January 2015.. Therefore the best mil there is. Miles away!

Sorry posted on wrong topic

Yes ! After 31 years I finally called the behaviour out and it has improved a bit. Took me to become menopausal tho as now I don't give a monkeys what she thinks 😉

A tactic I like to use is to ask people to repeat something they thought they were getting away with as a snide little jokey jibe. Very casually, more as if I didn't catch it than anything else. "Sorry, not sure I caught that - did you say you think I'm not feeding my child properly?" "Sorry, what was that? did you ask if I sing to my child?"

Just super calm, almost deadpan, totally non-threatening tone ... but getting them to repeat it again, more slowly and loudly, often really puts a chill on their snide little game.

I think you have to think “to hell with the consequences” with this tactic, or be supremely confident in what you’re doing, as a nasty manipulative person could easily catch on to what you’re doing and up the ante.