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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by these comments from MIL? How to respond?

194 replies

mamamanda · 22/12/2023 21:08

Just arrived at MIL's house for Xmas and the comments are already pouring in from her. Any good responses? She always saying similar things

A) we arrive today and my husband asks if she minds washing a jumper that our DC spilt juice on on our way here. Her response "oh did Amy [me] not have time to wash it at home?!"
B) acts like I'm not in the room. So says things like "oh finally!!! I've missed you two so much" ie my DH and DC. Not even a "hello" to me until about 5mins after I've entered
C) "you're looking slim! Is mummy not making you nice food?" to my DC who is nearly 3
D) "ah why are they taking you away? You'd have so much more fun here with me!" about the fact we are leaving them mid next week to spend some time with my side of the family
E) when she discovered my bilingual DC doesn't know some English nursery rhymes (knows a lot more in my language, I'm a SAHM) "oh does mummy never sing with you?!"

I don't want to start explaining myself or justifying my choices like "oh actually I do sing!" Or "she has fun with my family too!" because I shouldn't have to justify my choices to her...but I do want to stand up for myself.

Never had a big argument and she just started being cold shortly after our engagement (5yrs ago)
DH either says he didn't hear something she said, wasn't there or she doesn't mean anything by it.

OP posts:
Kitkatfiend31 · 22/12/2023 22:45

To start with don't visit for so long. Three nights max. Might make it a little easier to bear.

IcedBananas · 22/12/2023 22:49

Lighthearted 'oh don't be silly ....'
' oh dont be silly we sing all the time.'

Or you can agree and suggest that your DH should indeed be doing more of c y z. Both DH and MIL will find that uncomfortable and hopefully one or the other will step up and get this sorted - 'Oh I know I've told DH he should sing with her. He must know some nursery rhymes. Which ones did you teach him?'

'Oh your right. If only DH would cook some nicer meals we'd all be so much happier'

stillawip · 22/12/2023 22:49

I always like “ooh dear, MIL, did you mean to say that out loud? ” to comments like this

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2023 22:50

I don't understand how your husband just ignores these comments? Weird behaviour. Why have you gone to stay for a week with horrible people? You don't have to. Say no in future, no your mum is a rude bitch so obviously we will not be staying there. 2-3 hr visit maybe.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 22/12/2023 22:50

whisper in her ear..one more dig lady and we are out of here.all of us ..that will pull the old bag up!

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 22/12/2023 22:50

There's so much good advice on here already I don't have anything to add, but @Hatty65 is absolute genius!

My exMiL was similar towards me, and god it was so exhausting, especially because no one else seemed to notice. My favourite one was when I'd just given birth to DS and she said 'I don't think we should include you in the photos, because you really do look awful.'

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/12/2023 22:51

She sounds jealous, vile and not a very nice person with her snidy remarks. As others have said kill her with kindness but get your point across and with a big smile.

But now I am older I would call her aside and ask her what is her issue and how you do not appreciate the rude mean comments all the time in front of the children. But be calm and see what she says, bet she goes crying off to your dh. He needs to have your back and to have a word with her in private and tell her to stop as the children are noticing how nana is behaving mean.
I would not visit for Christmas again, stay at home where you can enjoy your own Christmas and make your own lovely memories.

DGHZ · 22/12/2023 22:52

Sorry you’re having to spend Christmas there.. hats off to you for doing it 🙈

The best tip I’ve heard is just answer with one word every time someone says something rude/cheeky/disrespectful to you.. act like you didn’t hear with a puzzled look on your face like surely not and say ‘sorry?’ 🤔 Do it every single time you are disrespected so they have to repeat what they’ve said to you again and it highlights to everyone else in the room that they’ve just been rude to you

NekonoTe · 22/12/2023 22:53

How does your DC respond to these questions? Mine would probably be puzzled and look to me/DH, in which case I'd encourage them to seek an answer that satisfies, from DH as she's his mum 😈

DGHZ · 22/12/2023 22:54

stillawip · 22/12/2023 22:49

I always like “ooh dear, MIL, did you mean to say that out loud? ” to comments like this

🤣 that’s a good one

blackpanth · 22/12/2023 22:59

Yanbu

coolkatt · 22/12/2023 23:02

isthewashingdryyet · 22/12/2023 21:15

When you DH comes back in the room,

darling listen to this, so funny, your mum thinks I don’t sing with our baby. Tell her I never stop

your mum is making me laugh so much, she thinks we won’t have fun with my family, tell her about my dad making you laugh last t8me we were there

sweetheart, your mum thinks I don’t feed our baby, go on, tell her how much the baby eats

all said with a huge smile on your face as if she is the funniest person you have ever met.

the tinkling laugh is useful here too.

she is not a nice woman at all is she

i think these are fab but i would be saying WE as in WE don't sing, we don't feed. i rt when precious son gets tarred it will
stop

Coyoacan · 22/12/2023 23:08

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 21:17

I think YABU and totally oversensitive. The only comment there that's even VAGUELY off is the one about washing the jumper.

The rest I think she doesn't mean anything by it.

Whao

Carla2601 · 22/12/2023 23:10

Are you my SIL?! Haha. No advice as I’ve been tolerating (barely) the exact same thing for years, I can hear her words to you being said!

Solidarity, for what it’s worth! And good luck!!

Superquiet · 22/12/2023 23:11

Keep it simple. Just say "Wow......" with a small smile to everything snidey that she says. It'll get across what you mean without you having to spell it out and suggests you are humouring her which she won't like.

She will enjoy knowing she's scored a hit, don't give her the satisfaction with a long or indignant reply.

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 22/12/2023 23:12

My mum sometimes annoys my dh with instructions for our child, for example "he needs a coat it's cold outside" and my dh will say "well thank god you're here otherwise he'd freeze to death with me" he says it jokingly but it makes the point.

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 23:19

I think you need to start playing her at her own game.

Eg, if she says something about the kids weight and your food, you could say 'Yes, we're very lucky that the children enjoy HEALTHY food', with a huge smile that will piss her right off.

When she says 'Why are they taking you away from me' you could say to your little ones 'You're so lucky to have two sets of Grandparents who love you and you get to see BOTH this week!' then do a little clap of glee that will raise her blood pressure instantly.

If she doesn't say hello to you, make a meal of giving a big greeting to FIL and lead him off for a chat while popping the kettle on. She will hate it.

If she makes some snarky comment about eg washing, just laugh! A giggly tinkly laugh will boil her piss.

If she is surprised your kids don't know a nursery rhyme, get them to sing her one in your language. If she seems rattled, get them to do more.

My point is, she doesn't own passive aggression. She's clearly well schooled in being a bitch to a point, that point being right at the edge of deniability.

You need to start taking tips and play her at her own game.

She would HATE it!!

Make it your Xmas entertainment, OP! Go get that snarky bitch!

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 23:21

is MIL a big girl?

Easipeelerie · 22/12/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t see her again, especially for comment C. I’d also be wondering about my future with DP for allowing her to bully you.

Esmerelda2024 · 22/12/2023 23:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleWhirple · 22/12/2023 23:29

reallyworriedjobhunter · 22/12/2023 21:57

I would just spend less time with her. She sounds awful and your husband isn't sticking up for you so just never go again. Tell your husband that you are sick of all the pass ag shit from her that he ignores.

This is what I did with my MIL when she started with all this when my kids were tiny and it worked well. She soon she had to be a lot nicer to me. We just don't see her very often now.

This. My MIL is exactly like this. Which is why she only gets to see her grandchildren twice a year.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 22/12/2023 23:33

mamamanda · 22/12/2023 21:42

Yes there's a FIL and a SIL. SIL doesn't have any kids and didn't bring her boyfriend this year or previous years.
The whole family really worships MIL and no one ever says a word against her.

Show quote history

Your SILs Bf is smart enough to stay away!

SleepingBeautySnores · 22/12/2023 23:34

Personally, if you know she's like this I can't understand why you've agreed to go and spend Christmas there. As a peace offering to DH I might possibly agree to a couple of hours, but overnight stays, no way, not with anyone who treats you like that.

However, you appear to be stuck with her at the moment, so next time she's rude, you could always say 'oh fuck off you stupid old cow' in your own language, then when she asks you what you said, you could tell her that you found her comment offensive, so swore in whatever your language you speak, rather than be as rude as she was! Or if you don't want to be that brave, then you could say 'Oh sorry, I was just thinking about something else, did I say it out loud?' That gives the impression you weren't even paying attention to what she said in the first place.

Then when you get home tell your 'D' H that you won't be going there over night again, as you're no longer prepared to put up with his Mother's rudeness, and his failure to stand up for you. If he comes out with 'oh she doesn't mean anything by it', then tell him that he's obviously so used to her nasty comments that he obviously doesn't recognise them for what they are any more, but that you are NOT going to put up with it.

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 23:38

Tell her straight to stop being so rude and nasty.

If you can't stick up for yourself and your husband is a wet wipe mummy's not, what kind of role models are you for your child?

Alternatively, feign concern and tell the old trout that you're worried she's going gaga because of all the weird and unpleasant things she keeps saying.

Whisperingangel22 · 22/12/2023 23:53

Sounds like my MIL. I experienced very similar although think my MIL was worse. After 10 years of enduring her I stood up for myself (DH seemed unable to). I rang her up and called her out on her behaviour. She said she couldn't see what my problem was and was unapologetic so I let her know it wasn't on. 5 months later she did it again. I called her out on it and haven't seen her since. Told DH I wasn't putting up with it.
It's your Christmas too and you deserve to have a good time. All your MIL constant sniping is unacceptable. I'd give her taste of her own medicine.