Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
kimchio · 22/12/2023 16:09

Fair enough - she's a right cow. Sorry for your loss

CanaryCanary · 22/12/2023 16:11

Jesus. She’s a bitch. I’m sorry for your loss. Definitely don’t host.

BuddyBuddyBumBum · 22/12/2023 16:11

shed never cross my threshold again for saying that. I hope your DH gave her a mouthful.

listlovers · 22/12/2023 16:11

YADNBU. She’s insensitive and heartless. So very sorry for your loss 💐

BettyBakesCakes · 22/12/2023 16:12

Jesus. Good for you op. She's acted terribly.

3peassuit · 22/12/2023 16:12

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mother was being insensitive and really should have known better. You need time to grieve and adjust so maybe a Christmas with just you and your partner might give you the space to do that.

Yulelaff · 22/12/2023 16:12

Don’t blame you at all. Nasty woman - sorry for the loss of your baby

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/12/2023 16:13

Your reaction is proportionate to her treatment of you.
A stranger would give more understanding than she did, she didn't even acknowledge you'd spoken never mind accept it might have had any affect on you.
Your withdrawal of your offer of hospitality is reasonable.

DaizyDee · 22/12/2023 16:13

This sounds appalling. You are definitely doing the right thing. Have a break from that toxic environment with your DH.

Original poster
Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 22/12/2023 16:13

What did your DH say to her?

Mammalamb · 22/12/2023 16:13

I am so sorry for your loss.

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 16:15

Sorry about your loss, OP Sad

You are doing absolutely the right thing not to host them. Does DH have your back?

Who was supposed to come, how many of them?

How has MIL reacted?

Don’t let them guilt trip you into changing your mind.

Shortpoet · 22/12/2023 16:15

So she’s blaming you? Nice.

KombuchaKalling · 22/12/2023 16:15

Wow. Sorry for your loss. Terrible response and behaviour by her. Could she be anymore invalidating? Her follow up isn’t a great deal better. I hope your husband gave it to her with both barrels

kimchio · 22/12/2023 16:15

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Block and ignore.

Go non contact.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2023 16:15

I clicked on from the title, fully expecting to comment about sounding teenage-strop like, but that's awful - she was awful.
Amazed that you'd not cancelled hosting already.
My sympathies, have a peaceful Christmas, try not to lot this upset you further,

Original poster
Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:16

wutheringkites · 22/12/2023 16:13

What did your DH say to her?

Nothing in person as I’d run out and we left when we got home he called her and asked why on Earth couldn’t she acknowledge what I had told her ?
He got quite angry after she said about women finding out too early. He told her that they are not welcome here and to make alternative arrangements as he won’t have me spoken to like that when we’ve just been through such a terrible time

OP posts:
SpudleyLass · 22/12/2023 16:17

So now she's blaming you?

Sounds like a narcissist.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

spidermonkeys · 22/12/2023 16:18

What an awful woman.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I would go NC from now on.

MuggleMe · 22/12/2023 16:18

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ a miscarriage at any stage is heartbreaking but it's certainly not 'just' a period at 12 weeks.

shellyleppard · 22/12/2023 16:18

I'm sorry for your loss.....but mil sounds like a right heartless bitch. Have a stress free Christmas if you can x

Skimm · 22/12/2023 16:19

What is it with mil saying you look pale, have you slept, your face...

This time you actually had something to say to her and she couldn't take it because she justvwa ted to put you down and not acknowledge that something was wrong.

Ifitistobesaid · 22/12/2023 16:19

Oh my god I’m so sorry. That’s awful.

KnittedPond · 22/12/2023 16:20

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. She’s not that unusual in taking that kind of approach, of course. I think a lot of women of my mother’s generation feel similarly, though are not usually so insensitive as to say it out loud to someone who has just miscarried and is terribly upset.

Be kind to yourself. And no, not unreasonable not to want to see her for Christmas. She doesn’t get to decide on the magnitude of your loss.