Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 22/12/2023 16:41

I am so sorry for your loss. 💐

I had a couple of miscarriages, and in all honesty the blood loss was not the main thing for me. It was the loss of my hopes and plans, the emotional side as much as the physical.

Your MIL was not nice.

Christmas will be difficult for you and DH, so look after yourselves. Good luck for 2024.

tiktokoclock · 22/12/2023 16:41

She "can't entertain your attention seeking"?!
She can absolutely fuck off for Christmas, and if it were me, whether I ever spoke to her again would depend on the fulsomeness of her apology.
I am sorry for your loss. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

freshgreen · 22/12/2023 16:41

I'm so sad for you.
I remember my MIL saying exactly the same to me...35 years ago. Heartless.
Have a peaceful Christmas x

Dinkydoo17 · 22/12/2023 16:42

Aw lovely I'm so sorry you have gone through a MC. It's dreadful. Your DH sounds like a dream and you are a great team. She not only didn't acknowledge your loss but that of her son too. Complete cow. Avoid at all cost and I hope you both have a peaceful Christmas together. Sending a hug x

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 16:43

StuntNun · 22/12/2023 16:28

Miscarriages are awful; I'm so sorry for your loss. You can't know how much it will affect you until it happens. I only ever had one MC twelve years ago but it still feels like there's a missing child in my family even though I had two successful pregnancies afterwards. It's just not something you can rationalise away. Well done to your DH for sticking up for you. I hope you can enjoy a peaceful and happy Christmas Day.

It's sad that you feel that way. I had 2 m/cs and I don't - I wanted one more baby and I feel that the baby I have is the one I was meant to have, and the hurt was healed, for me.

@Wensleydales did you think she was shocked, or didn't know what to say, or plain dismissive?

My MIL who wasn't generally supportive sent me a vases with flowers when I had my first loss. We somewhat darkly named it the Miscarriage Vase!

I'm not sure women did grieve the same in years gone by. A lot of women didn't know they were pregnant until they'd missed a couple of periods, and maybe longer if they were irregular, so they could have miscarried and not realised.

Plus not all m/cs involve huge blood loss. I had one that did and one that didn't.

Cyclebabble · 22/12/2023 16:45

That is a terrible thing to say and you are DNBU. Take care of you and your DH (who has backed you up). It would be a very long time (if ever), that she came back into my house.

EvilElsa · 22/12/2023 16:45

Urgh, what an utter arsehole.
I'm so sorry OP. I'm glad your husband is supportive in telling her to get fucked. Enjoy Christmas just the two of you -she can have all the attention she desires now when she hosts instead. There would be no coming back from those comments for me, she can go to hell.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 16:48

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

She's obviously not sorry. Any apology that comes with a "but" is not a true apology. Any apology that comes with a "it's still your fault" is meaningless letters on a screen that add up to sweet fuck all.

I'd have a hard time seeing here ever again, never mind Christmas. What a bitch.

ConnieCroydon · 22/12/2023 16:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 16:49

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Jesus, that is vile. Thank god your DH has the balls to tell her to do one on Xmas Day. So many women on MN don't have husbands who have their back so it's brilliant yours does. So sorry for your loss. Flowers

HarrietStyles · 22/12/2023 16:49

She’s a cow. She enjoyed putting you down and then when sympathy was needed I'm guessing she couldn’t bear to not be the centre of attention herself. When realising that you and DH were upset with her, she chose to go with “I’m sorry BUT…..”
Anyone who says I’m sorry but…. doesn’t mean the apology. I wouldn’t let her in my house again until I got a genuine apology.

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 16:50

Jesus Christ she is a vile bitch!

OP I am very, very sorry for your loss. We get excited the moment we find out don’t we and 12 weeks is a really hard time to be experiencing a loss as it’s when many of us start to let our guard down. I’m so glad DH is being supportive. Be kind to yourself!! I absolutely would have left and cancelled hosting them too. She has been a complete disgrace! Even if you found out at 4 weeks and were upset her response is disgusting and so nothing she has said is ok or acceptable.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 22/12/2023 16:50

So sorry for your loss OP. Your MIL is incredibly crass. Glad that your DH is so supportive. 💐

Goingsunny · 22/12/2023 16:50

Wow. What a nasty piece of work. Sorry for your loss. You have done the right thing.

spilltheteapot · 22/12/2023 16:50

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Absolutely unbelievable. What an ignorant, heartless woman.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

KnowThyself · 22/12/2023 16:50

Some people are awful about PG loss and bereavements, it’s like they just don’t want to know if it’s anything really upsetting. So they quite like a bit of low level unhappiness but genuine tragedy they are just crap at. I had a PG loss between Christmas and New Year 18 years ago, no one ever talks about it and never did. They stay in your heart and let’s be honest at least you have one, she sounds really cold and heartless.

SerCrispin · 22/12/2023 16:51

Wow fucking hell. What a horrible woman. That would have been her grandchild. I'm so sorry OP for your loss.

StuntNun · 22/12/2023 16:51

That’s what I mean though @Canthave2manycats I didn’t think I would feel this way and not everyone does. The OPs MIL seems to think a miscarriage that one can just brush off as a non-event but we don’t choose how we experience them.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/12/2023 16:51

She's a bitch.

She thought you were pregnant, so was trying to force you into revealing you were expecting. Which in itself is a bitchy thing to do.

I would go non-contact with her. I'm non-contact with my MIL for a decade now, she's an utter bitch too, was always trying to pry information out.

I'm glad your husband had your back.

Some things are unforgiveable, and this is one of them.

betterangels · 22/12/2023 16:52

Utter bitch. I wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon again.

RandomButtons · 22/12/2023 16:52

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

What a cow. Apology that puts blame at your door is not an apology.

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 16:53

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 16:43

It's sad that you feel that way. I had 2 m/cs and I don't - I wanted one more baby and I feel that the baby I have is the one I was meant to have, and the hurt was healed, for me.

@Wensleydales did you think she was shocked, or didn't know what to say, or plain dismissive?

My MIL who wasn't generally supportive sent me a vases with flowers when I had my first loss. We somewhat darkly named it the Miscarriage Vase!

I'm not sure women did grieve the same in years gone by. A lot of women didn't know they were pregnant until they'd missed a couple of periods, and maybe longer if they were irregular, so they could have miscarried and not realised.

Plus not all m/cs involve huge blood loss. I had one that did and one that didn't.

Show quote history

It’s not sad she feels that way. Those are her feelings. Some of us would find your reaction cold…point is we all react differently and you don’t get to decide how another woman feels about her losses. My grandmother talks about all of her losses and felt them all acutely. So let’s do away with this BS about times gone by. Women were expected to shut up and not reach out for support, let she glad now most of us know to provide comfort to anyone going through this.

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 16:54

I gasped out loud when I read what she said about you ... and then texted you essentially telling you it was your own fault!

I am SO sorry you have such a horrible excuse for a MIL in your life.

I wouldn't have her in my home again. I really don't think I could.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself and block people who can't respect you or your feelings.

ClottedCreamScone · 22/12/2023 16:54

I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course you don’t have to host them. I hope you’re ok ♥️

Planesmistakenforstars · 22/12/2023 16:54

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Your not hosting her is perfectly reasonable, and great that it's a united front.
Her text is awful too. "Sorry but you're over reacting" is not an apology.