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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 22/12/2023 16:54

No asking how you are saying sorry for your loss. Wow.

Enjoy your peaceful day without them.

So sorry you’ve been treated like crap on top of an already horrible time. Massive unmumsnetty hugs.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 16:55

It's not necessarily a generational thing either - for one, the MIL could well only be in her 50s or 60s!

Secondly some of the most loving and open support I received was from the elder ladies in my family (70+) when I had a second trimester loss. They encouraged me to speak, admired the photos and I still get a card from one every year even though it's a long time ago now. Don't tar them all with the same brush - this MIL sounds like a right piece of work.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

OverTheCountryClub · 22/12/2023 16:55

I'm so sorry op. I lost a pregnancy at 12 w too and like fuck was it a "late period". It was hand on heart the most traumatic thing ever. I hesitate to use the word "gory" because it doesn't sound appropriate for what it was, but honestly that's the best word to describe it. The bleeding, clots and loss of tissue was huge. I had to sit on towels as even massive pads couldn't stem the flow. If I hadn't known I was pregnant I'd have been seriously concerned. I was knocked off my feet for 3 weeks solid by it and I'm certainly not someone you'd ever describe as "attention-seeking". She's ignorant and stupid as well as fucking rude and heartless. All the best to you op. Take your time to recover and grieve. It wasn't nothing; you're right to push back against such a horrible attitude.

RinklyRomaine · 22/12/2023 16:57

Oh god she is vile, OP. Don't entertain and don't feel bad about her. Any loss can be hard, I know, I've been there. Basically blaming you because she can't backpedal on her nastiness. I bet if you thought about it, this is far from the first time she has belittled your perfectly valid feelings.

My DM is lovely but made some of my m/cs about her, and subsequently upset me a lot in a successful pregnancy by telling a joint family dinner table how badly she wanted a boy (I had a DD already) on our honeymoon.

Just tell her you cannot spend your Christmas with someone so lacking in human empathy, and you'll see her when you feel less horrified by her reaction. Then DO NOT respond.

Original poster
Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

OP posts:
Camembertcufflinks · 22/12/2023 16:57

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - what a vile way she treated you! As for those who say it's generational, my grandmother was born in the 20s and she was extremely sympathetic to any woman in your situation. She talked about her own mothers losses with great sympathy so I'm sorry but generational differences aren't an excuse as some here are trying to justify. No excuse for a poor attitude or for MIL not educating herself on modern attitudes if that's her excuse. Your DH sounds fab though.

Packetofcrispsplease · 22/12/2023 16:59

How horrible for you , I’m so sorry 😔

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 16:59

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Of course they can get a Christmas shop. I was in Tesco yesterday, the shelves were bursting with everything one needs fora Christmas meal.

Resist the guilt trip, OP.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2023 17:00

Wow. Just wow Shock

I'm sorry for your loss 💐
What an utter cow. I'm shocked her response and shocked at the 4% who think YABU.

@Wensleydales did the SIL acknowledge your loss or offer condolences?

Absolutely do not host her for Christmas.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 17:00

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Get your DH to text back that they've got two days to do a shop and the supermarkets are stocked to the rafters and he can also fuck off for his 'let us down' comment. Honestly, I am so angry on your behalf - how dare they!?

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 17:00

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

I sincerely hope all your DH says "we don't care" and puts the phone down.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 22/12/2023 17:01

MIL is learning that actions have consequences.

She can easily get food, they are being ridiculous. Don’t fold!!

EvilElsa · 22/12/2023 17:02

The thing is, even if she thought (ridiculously) that pregnancies don't count before 12 weeks, she could have at least sympathised with the fact that the OP was feeling unwell still. Literally just a few kind words of acknowledgement- a 'I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon' or a hug. Anything. Silence is so cruel and then the 'sorry BUT' is even worse. She's not in the slightest bit sorry. If she is it's because she won't be catered for at Christmas now. I hope she cooks for herself and gets food poisoning.

JackieQueen · 22/12/2023 17:02

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Oh boohoo hard luck! They can have egg and chips!

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2023 17:02

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

FiL best get his arse down to M&S then.

Wildhorses2244 · 22/12/2023 17:03

I hope that your DH replies with "we feel very strongly that it is MIL who has let us down"

Dinkydoo17 · 22/12/2023 17:03

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Fuck her and her guilt trips. They can get off their arses n get to the shops. I'm livid with her on your behalf. She has clearly missed the 'actions have consequences' lesson in life. So now she can get her head around it trawling around the shops. Utter cow

Namefleeting · 22/12/2023 17:03

My condolences @Wensleydales

Ah well MIL, you reap what you sow!

Krampussy · 22/12/2023 17:03

What a cunt your MIL is.

But hooray for a decent DH! We don't see enough DHs standing up for their wives against MIL. You have a good man.

Sorry you're having a shitty time. Flowers

Olika · 22/12/2023 17:03

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your DH tells them to sort it out. You didn't let them down, this is the consequences of MIL being an asshole. Your DH sounds lovely in sense of standing up for you.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 22/12/2023 17:03

Text her telling her not to be so dramatic for having OTT anxiety over a food shop.

Nasty cow.

Glad you have the support of DH at this time 💐

ShanghaiDiva · 22/12/2023 17:04

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

A sorry but….is never a real apology. What a throughly unpleasant person she is.
sorry for your loss and take time over Christmas to relax and be kind to yourself.

Bojangtruffle · 22/12/2023 17:05

YANBU but YABU for being upset for not hosting them. She sounds like a total bitch!

So sorry about your MC 💐

EvilElsa · 22/12/2023 17:05

It's the 22nd, she can stop being over dramatic and go to the shops (which have stacks of food still). You reap what you sow. Be a cunt, get treated like one.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 22/12/2023 17:05

I'd never speak to her again.