Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

This with bells on it and bravo to your dh for not playing into their hands. As for 'what to do now' nothing is what you do, carry on as normal

Quite an update OP! I for one am not surprised. If you read the stately homes thread or the out of the fog forum, you'll see that this happens more often than people in normal families can even imagine.

Ignore them. You need to do nothing.

Shecus obviously used to getting everything her own way.

This. Many people predicted that a sudden illness would be next in the predictable steps of manipulation.

The fact that FIL wanted to faff around collecting DH suggests this wasn't real. I suspect he would have collected him and taken him back to IL's house to see MIL, where the story would have changed to 'we called an ambulance but they said would it will take several hours so we left it.'

They are really showing their true colours here - they are people in the wrong who want to try every possible approach except to back down and apologise!

Of course! The Mystery Illness! So predictable.

Stand firm OP.

Nice nod to the classics there, pity it didn't work.

They sound bloody awful

I remember an elderly person saying 20 years ago that they went to the GP after 2 missed periods and got a test. I think that took 2 weeks to give a result. That's about 10 weeks.

Certainly not the case 20 years ago, maybe 40 years ago. Then no-one would test before you'd missed 2 periods, being 'late' by a week or so was looked on as 'phew' or 'oh dear', probably not as a miscarriage but that was then and times change.
Love to know how old your 'elderly' person was, bet I'm a lot older!

Haven’t read the full thread but just came on to say I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. I’m glad your DH is supporting you at this time.

You’re not out of line at all re your MIL. Mean old bitch. Don’t forget her cruelty now. This won’t be a once off. Oh, and the medical emergency once she’s crossed the line? Textbook. Trust me. My MIL is the exact same.

If your DH is on board go NC. Otherwise, limit your contact with her and never share anything personal. Good or bad. Take care x

It might be possible that this happened @MeridianB , just because MIL got herself so worked up about being expected to address her own poor behaviour rather than have everyone appease her as she would have preferred. You could be right though. I mean in most families, FIL would follow the ambulance and just give update. This smacks of dysfunctional family drama. I mean in my family we'd be concerned about not worrying anybody until we knew there was something to worry about.

Your DH is a decent sort @Wensleydales Best wishes to you both

We had the same issue over Xmas. Someone taken the gp for nerves that required a family member to text them to feel better.

They didn’t text.

I'm just wondering - anyone on here who has adult children who have their own families. If you or your partner were taken ill on Christmas Day with an ambiguous "attack", how many of you would phone your adult children to leave their family & come to the hospital?

I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. Spent hours alone in A&E as I knew everyone was mad busy in the run up.. Adult dd joked as long as I could still make Xmas dinner! No martyrdom just not selfish.

Not me

I think if it came completely out the blue I'd expect a call if I was local and could go to the hospital. My mum is on her own, and not remotely prone to histrionics, so if a neighbour called me I'd know it was genuine. If DS was away with friends I'd only tell him if it was looking really serious.

Years back a relative of mine had a series of panic attacks. The first time they did go to hospital, the second time the paramedics dealt with it at home, the third time their partner gave them a paper bag (I understand that's not advised now but it apparently worked at the time). The first time it happens, it's scary, if genuine.

Nailed it

Mystery illness right on time! ✔️

Concocted 'emergency' ✔️

'Apology' that somehow involves telling you you're actually at fault, not them. They reserve the right to claim moral high ground when you don't accept their 'apology' and move on. ✔️

Hmm, what's next? Let me check the textbook.

Oh yes @enchantedsquirrelwood if it was someone on their own, of course! But if say DH or I having the funny turn, we would handle it.

* remember an elderly person saying 20 years ago that they went to the GP after 2 missed periods and got a test. I think that took 2 weeks to give a result. That's about 10 weeks.*

My DS is 40, I found out I was pregnant about a week after missing my period by doing a home pregnancy test they were easily available just as they are now. Obviously you had to watch out for marauding dinosaurs on your way to the chemist !

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I have been through losses myself and understand your heartache, take whatever time you need to heal and take care of yourself

20 years ago I was 18 and home pregnancy tests were everywhere and plenty of Clearblue ads on the telly, the school nurse used to give them out for free 😂 I do like the description of someone taking a pregnancy test 20 years ago as an “elderly person,” I’m 38 😂

We haven’t heard from them since , not really sure what we are meant to do now??!!

Do nothing - treat her exactly as she did to you - ignore her, and if pushed, inform her that you "can't entertain her attention seeking."

I'm reading it as it was said to them 20 years ago by an elderly person. So if the person was, say in their 80s or 90s back then, they could be talking about much longer ago.

Yeah, this is the only response really.

My condolences on your loss OP. I've had a few MCs myself and consider myself fortunate that they were all at 8 weeks or less - even then they aren't a heavy period, but at 12 weeks it's a very different experience physically as well as emotionally.

Mind yourself.

If there's a tiny silver lining to her histrionics it's that you've both got a forewarning of what a nightmare she will be in the future, when you do have another pregnancy. There are a couple of people in my life who couldn't stand the attention my bump would get and threw actual tantrums. And I'm sure now you can easily imagine her demanding to be in the delivery room, demanding her grandchild for sleepovers, undermining parenting and so on. It might be no harm to keep them at a cordial arms length for the foreseeable future

@Wensleydales

Another one agreeing with 'do nothing'. You'll have peace and maybe they'll learn a lesson (but I doubt it).

Wow!