Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

Nothing to add, but how sorry I am for your loss right now. Hoping the future brings you health and happiness.

So sorry for your loss. They can get food bargains in the supermarkets or a Christmas lunch ready meal.,

I’m 60 and I empathise with OP as would my mum who’s pushing 90. It’s not an age thing.

Your MIL is a self centred bitch who is utterly selfish and has no empathy whatsoever. Fucking rude and nasty with it. How dare she behave like that.

Well at least you’ve found out what she is like. Never let her near your future kids. Go very low contact even if she makes an apology.

I’d love her to starve on Xmas day but even her useless husband can surely go round the shops with a list if she is too ‘ill’ to go out.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and also for your frankly abysmal parents. I would imagine this is a tip of the iceberg kind of situation, as in, the most obvious and worst thing she's done, but there will be a lifetime of her dismissing you and your feelings, perhaps not showing you as much interest and love as you have needed. People like that don't get better, they don't wake up and think, oh you know what, I HAVE been a shit all of my daughter's life. It is hard but I hope you can move forward by not giving her the time you gave her before, and concentrating on your own family.
As for your dad and the grocery worries, what an absolute arse. The shops are chocka. What he is doing is taking the path of least resistance and following orders to moan at you via your husband. The other path means a bit of soul-searching and a couple of horrible hours in a busy supermarket. I can't get over what a tit he has been. The shopping, JESUS.

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐
Your DH should sort out your MIL - her behaviour and attitude is unacceptable at such a delicate time when she should be supporting you.😡
You are right not to be hosting Christmas now. Hopefully MIL will be reflecting on her shocking behaviour over the next few days and apologise to you both.

Sorry for your loss...what a horrible person your mil is. Totally understand why you don't want to host. Dh and you have a relaxing day just the two of you x

I hope he replies back that he isn’t going to entertain her attention seeking! So what if she is ill (bet this is just her trying to weasel out of it). Even if she is you don’t have to be cruel, insensitive and invalidating

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your MIL sounds crappy generally but her comments about your MC are unacceptable. When given the opportunity to apologise she basically uses it as a chance to double down and blame you. Now she's got her husband to complain about it to their son. Absolutely ridiculous.
Even a 4 year old understands that actions have consequences. So for her: boo hoo, she's not going to get to spend Christmas day with her son.
When do your MIL and FIL think most of the nation go to get their Christmas food shop? Yup, 23rd and 24th December. They'll have ample opportunity to get whatever they fancy for their dinner.
Your MIL sounds like a vile narcissist and I'd never have her in my house again in your position.

I’m very sorry for your loss and your experience today with a woman who clearly thinks the world revolves around her but am very pleased to see a husband advocating for his wife. I hope you enjoy a restful Christmas.

Well, she's a bitch. You've learnt a valuable lesson as to who is there for you (I have every sympathy, I went through similar following my miscarriages). Your relationship with her might be civil in time, but it won't be cordial after this. It doesn't need to be. She clearly doesn't hold the net to catch you when you fall anyway. Take this on board and act the same way towards her. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm sorry for your loss. Be gentle on yourself and I hope in time your grief will become a bit lighter and that you get your happy ending ❤️ despite everything, Merry Christmas to you and your DH. Enjoy each other's company this year, this is what you both need. xx

(Meant to say, I've had a mc at 12 weeks too, and it was absolutely horrible. How someone can not have sympathy is beyond me, let alone blanking you about it. I spent quite a few weeks on the sofa when I could, sipping nice tea and generally recuperating under a blanket. Take care.)

Seen update....did dh say to fil so what...ships have food..

Really sorry you're going through that OP.
Whilst some older relatives can be insensitive around pregnancy and MC, it's marginally more understandable when they're just being ignorant rather than deliberately cruel. We got some corkers of comments from my MIL when we have had losses, but I know deep down they came from a place of love and she wouldn't have meant to offend me/us.
Your MIL sounds like she was being deliberately cruel though.

I think you should get DH to respond re: christmas dinner that "she over-reacts and stresses too much and that won't help".

Also - I recommend "the worst girl gang" for MC advice and resources. They're a great lot.

What a bitch!! Don’t host her for Christmas, absolutely no way not!!!

What a bitch !

Someone else said earlier ' It was the loss of my hopes and plans, the emotional side as much as the physical. ' and I agree.

and there are future worries - will I get pregnant again ? / why did I miscarry ? / will I miscarry again ?

I am so sorry for your loss, sorry is such an inadequate word sometimes isn't it.

as for it being a generation thing - nonsense ! I am probably the bitch's age or older.

Luckily FIL has 2 days to get to the shops and buy Christmas dinner for 2.

Just adding the same. So sorry for your loss. Keep this woman at arm's length now. She has shown her true colours. Glad that your DH is supporting you x

Oh no it's your in-laws, sorry, I replied as if it were your parents. Good on your husband for standing up for you! Fuck them, honestly.

Yeah, as you were. What a fucking cow.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Firstly, sorry for your loss
Secondly, I'm sorry your MIL is so difficult. (Mine was very difficult and I think similar to yours based on what you've said; it's hard.)
However, the important thing is that your husband is supporting you. I'm so glad.
I hope you both stand your ground and won't be manipulated into hosting them after all.
And some festive reading for you (!): Susan Forward, Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws. Both very helpful books.

So sorry for your loss. Your mil is a bitch and I’d seriously consider not speaking to her again.
Id ignore the flying monkey (didn’t take long), they have plenty of time to shop.

So sorry - what a bitch. Upside is that your DH sounds awesome. Usually read on here about men bowing to their mother's whims. He's a keeper but ditch his family.
Hope you're recovering OP.

It goes from bad to worse.

Laugh-because for sure they aren't worth shedding any tears over!

They won’t get a Christmas shop now!! OUTRAGEOUS. How very disappointing for them that they might not get a meal they were looking forward to. OP your husband sounds lovely and your in laws jaw droppingly obtuse. I’m so sorry you lost your baby. People say awful things but they seem particularly unkind.

On a side it’s if your partner is sticking by you and supporting you DONT LET THAT ONE GET AWAY! Most men side with their mothers even when they are horrible and vile so good on your partner, his a keeper!!

I’m sorry you are going through this, MIL is a mega bitch.

She has shown no concern for the loss that both you and her son are going through, so do not even for a second feel any concern that she may have to take her miserable self to a busy store and do Xmas dinner herself.

It sounds like you and DH could do with some quiet time together without the unsupportive and self centred in laws around.