Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

[Wensleydales]

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP YANBU that would be it for me as far as they are concerned. Even if she does think those things(wrongly) she should know better than to verbalise them. I’m glad your DH reacted the way he did to her, good for him.

Sorry for your loss 💐

What a cunt. Well done you for having boundaries and good to see your DH has your back, though

Op I'm so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you did really well even being there in the first place so to be met with that response is so upsetting and disrespectful and just uncalled for.

I do think that some women (my dm included) are of an era where such things aren't spoken about and are kept very private but that's so unhealthy and unsupportive and her response is tactless and cold.

I think you need to look after yourself and put yourself first right now. She obviously doesn't have either the social skills (at best) or the empathy (at worst) to support you like she should right now so it's fine to put some distance in there and do what you need to, to get through the holiday period. When you're feeling stronger you can think about what type of relationship you want to have going forwards.

You have made the right decision. She sounds vile.
I’m glad that your Dh can see what a knob she is.

I’m sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry x

Oh FFS. She's a heartless cow. Does she have form for this? You are definitely NOT U. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard but try to indulge and enjoy yourself over the next few days. Xxx

I’m sorry for your loss.
She sounds like a callous cow. I wouldn’t just not see her for Christmas, I would never see her again. There isn’t any amount of apology she could give me that would make up for her cruel comments that followed her stone cold silence.

I'm sorry for your loss - been there and it's hard.

Is this normal behaviour for MIL or is it out of character (am kind of expecting the former)?

Women of my mother's generation did tend to that mindset (mum would be 80 now) and as she had lost a full-term baby, I didn't feel my m/cs compared to that, and she wasn't intentionally cruel either.

I think you should have a think about things though when you're less emotional because I am not sure it's worth a family rift?

Good for your DH though having your back.

She’s never been this unkind. There’s always been an element of shes centre of attention and if things are going her way she’s lovely - if not it’s not great. We had decided we weren’t going to tell anyone but she kept pressing me as to why i wasn’t looking 100% so I quietly told her not expecting the blank look and total avoidance of acknowledging what I’d just told her

Jeez-o, how awful of her.
Someone said something similar to me after my first miscarriage too, which was at 12 weeks, and it's such NONSENSE!
The blood loss is far far worse than a period, there's no way you wouldn't know it was a miscarriage. I needed a blood transfusion it was so bad FGS.

Talk about minimising your experience OP, she's incredibly insensitive and YANBU. I hope you feel better soon. X

Not only would I not be hosting them Christmas Day I would go NC. If dh wants to see her he does so on his own .

Miscarriages are awful; I'm so sorry for your loss. You can't know how much it will affect you until it happens. I only ever had one MC twelve years ago but it still feels like there's a missing child in my family even though I had two successful pregnancies afterwards. It's just not something you can rationalise away. Well done to your DH for sticking up for you. I hope you can enjoy a peaceful and happy Christmas Day.

Gosh well done on walking and to your dh for telling her what's what! I am so sorry about your miscarriage. No way would I host her. To be honest, not sure I would have much to do with her ever again. I've not seen my MIL for fifteen years for nasty behaviour and it's been bliss. And I don't consider my ds missed out because why would I inflict nasty people on him, related or not?

What a horrible person she is.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, sending love x

I’m so sorry.

I probably wouldn’t ever speak to her again. What a total bitch she is. 💐

I’m sorry for your loss. Your MIL sounds selfish and uncaring. That was a feigned apology.
Ignore her, look after yourself. 💐

Your MIL is unbelievably callous. I'm glad your DH supports you on this. Thank MIL for her (pathetic) apology but a shit apology still doesn't mean you should feel guilt tripped into spending Christmas with her.
It would take me a LOT of time to get over someone saying that. I would consider attempting to repair the relationship only if they otherwise were a decent person but it doesn't sound like your MIL is worth it.
I'd keep away from her until I felt I could be civil/ wouldn't nut her the next time I saw her- and then i would see her only when absolutely necessary, and I would be coldly polite for the rest of my life.

Your dh is a keeper. Your mil not so much.

What a horrible cow! So sorry for your loss 💐

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐

I just said aloud oh she can just FUCK OFF

My god what cold woman, I'm very sorry she treated you so poorly.

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve encountered that view in her generation (although never said to me at such an incredibly awful time!) and I try to look at it as sad for them. I refuse to believe women didn’t mourn miscarriages in the past and didn’t feel heartbroken if struggling to have children, so they must just have done it privately and never been permitted any support or even discussed it with their husbands or their mums. But you deserve that support. Hope you manage to have a lovely quiet Christmas and the new year looks brighter for you.

Awww so sorry OP. if she has previously been nice I would make it clear to her that this was really unacceptable and as others have said it sounds like she's older and it's a generational thing. Doesnt sound ike she has much social skill but maybe she is sad for you. i would give her a chance to redeem herself (all this going NC is just so drastic and really leaves your DH stuck in the middle) is there a way forward ? Meanwhile do what you want for Xmas....

It's a bit rich that she's accused you of over reacting and being too sensitive, given the only reason you mentioned it was too shut her up! Her fault entirely for mithering about how pale you look etc and upsetting you in the first place.
She sounds pretty dense and thoughtless tbh

Oh I am so sorry OP. Both for your loss and being treated so callously. When I had my 2nd miscarriage some family members commented about telling people early, as if somehow, it was my fault. What they really meant was that they didn't want to know about it and deal with that news.

I hope you and DH enjoy a quiet peaceful Christmas together.