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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
StasisMom · 22/12/2023 17:06

Omg total bitch!!! I'm very glad your DH acted as he did, and of course I'm very sorry for your loss.

ShanghaiDiva · 22/12/2023 17:06

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Supermarkets are open.
send a sorry but text….sorry you have been feeling unwell but you will just have to pull yourself together and go to Tesco’s.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/12/2023 17:06

I’m so sorry for your loss OP & that you have experienced that from your own mother. Definitely don’t allow them into your home for Christmas, look after yourself x

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 17:06

Wildhorses2244 · 22/12/2023 17:03

I hope that your DH replies with "we feel very strongly that it is MIL who has let us down"

Ooh yes this is a better reply!

I know I'm touchy about this partly because of my own loss, but I'm so ANGRY on your behalf OP. What a fucking cow she is.

TheOnlyMrsW · 22/12/2023 17:07

So sorry for your loss OP, please enjoy your Christmas hopefully without people who won't look after you x

Packetofcrispsplease · 22/12/2023 17:07

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Oh good god I cannot believe they’re doing this , ignore them !
they can get Christmas food , plenty on the shelves right now

hanschristmassolo · 22/12/2023 17:07

She's sounds awful OP and I'm so sorry for your loss

Have to say my own family said similar to me - multiple miscarriages including one at 12 weeks. I think it's a generational thing - our mothers didn't tend to consider themselves pregnant until they missed two periods apparently and that modern medicine and scans meant we find out too early these days 😳 so I was told.

I went low contact with family after that

Then when I did manage to hold on to a pregnancy sent them videos of the babies heart beating at 6 weeks pregnancy explaining why a loss even that early was very much not a heavy period (sorry if that's triggering for anyone). I did get sort of an apology after that but I never really forgave them x

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2023 17:07

I can be tactless at times, but if DS called me to tell me I'd upset DIL I'd have been mortified and couldn't apologise enough. That's the only proper reaction IMO.

Dinkydoo17 · 22/12/2023 17:07

Wildhorses2244 · 22/12/2023 17:03

I hope that your DH replies with "we feel very strongly that it is MIL who has let us down"

Bravo 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Chickoletta · 22/12/2023 17:08

So sorry for your loss. I miscarried twins at 13 weeks a few years ago and know how traumatic it is, both physically and emotionally. I’ve also had early miscarriages and whilst these could be compared to a heavy period in terms of blood loss, possibly, that is not the point. From the moment you find out you’re pregnant that baby is real to you and you develop hopes and dreams for it. Losing these is so utterly heartbreaking.
Make sure that you are looking after yourself - like a PP, I needed a blood transfusion. Take iron tablets and vitamins.
You are entirely in the right to be refusing to host your MIL. Have a quiet Christmas with DH and focus on yourselves.
it takes time to heal from miscarriage and she has no part in this process.
The feeling of loss won’t go away, but you will grow bigger and stronger around it and life will be good again.

Ghostwritersinc · 22/12/2023 17:09

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the most heartbreaking thing.

keep strong, and when you get tour precious rainbow baby, keep that vicious, nasty bitch of a mother in law well away from him/her. 🌈

Salome61 · 22/12/2023 17:09

So very sorry for your loss, take care. As for your MIL she sounds a nasty piece of work, I'd avoid contact with her.

Bluechristmas1 · 22/12/2023 17:10

What a fucking bitch what’s her problem and how dare she try to downplay it?

Trigger warning for mc

It is NOT like a heavy period not the further along you are. I had one at 8 weeks and was laying on the bathroom floor with contractions that built up to every minute and bleeding heavily and passing clots the size of an orange…

Suppose I’m a snowflake according to her though. 🙂

Sensitive topic for me but she is a cunt.

So sorry for your loss. Xxxx

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 17:11

What a deeply horrible woman.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and I'm also sorry that you had your distress added to by your MIL being such an absolute bitch. You've done the right thing by stepping away from her and I'm really glad your DH has supported you in this.

Oh and she's mental if she thinks she can't do a Christmas shop now. She's got this evening and two more days to buy whatever she damn well wants; there's no shortage of food in the shops ffs.

I hope you and your DH have a really peaceful, relaxing Christmas Day together xx

Grapewrath · 22/12/2023 17:11

What a total bitch
Id tell her to get fucked too, poor you

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/12/2023 17:11

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

I hope they DON'T get a Christmas shop! Ugh!

Sorry for your loss x

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 17:11

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Text back and tell him Tesco is still open for a couple of days done better hurry and get his arse down there.

YANBU - that is shocking behaviour. Sadly some people are completely incapable at showing empathy to others. You’re right to keep yourself well this Xmas and cancel them coming. Who needs someone like that when you are grieving a lost pregnancy.

AnneValentine · 22/12/2023 17:12

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

This is the point you laugh.

Bluechristmas1 · 22/12/2023 17:12

When you go through tragedy you learn who your real friends are / who has your back. This is good and bad xxx

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 22/12/2023 17:13

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

There are two days to buy food for Christmas Day, well plus this evening of course.

I'm so pleased that your DH stood up to her but do not let her bully either of you into coming on Christmas Day. She will take it as a sign that she has done nothing wrong.

I'm so sorry for your loss too Flowers

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/12/2023 17:13

Sorry for your loss. And blimey she’s a cow! She would not be coming to mine for Xmas either. Glad your DH has your back.

anyolddinosaur · 22/12/2023 17:13

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree it's the loss of your hopes that is worse than the physical impact. Having a healthy child can just be a reminder that your other (first?) child will never experience the first day of school, first job, partner....

And it's nothing to do with age. In fact normally as you age you learn more tact, if you didnt have it to start with.

I hope your husband does say Dad mum you let us down and while I'm sorry mum isnt really well the shops are open, you can get food in. Do click and collect or go early morning if you dont want crowds.

Denimdenimdenim · 22/12/2023 17:13

What a bitch. I wouldn't be able to forgive her for that behaviour

lazarusb · 22/12/2023 17:14

I'm so sorry for your loss and glad that your DH is supporting you properly.
Pretty sure that if your parents in law have empty cupboards, their corner shop will have pot noodles.

I would definitely go no contact for that level of cruelty. I had some stupid comments when I miscarried and while I eventually forgave, I haven't forgotten. Your MIL is something else.

HopeAndStrength · 22/12/2023 17:14

I'm sorry that you've experienced this OP. It's good that your DH is (rightly) being so supportive. Your MIL clearly does not understand what you went through.

I also had a 12 week M/C and ended up being monitored in resuss at A&E due to the amount of blood lost and concerns with my heart rate / blood pressure. Definitely not just a heavy period.