Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 22/12/2023 15:41

Oh I'm sorry OP I would be heartbroken, think your DH is right though - look for the positives and play it cool 🤣 they are just all at ages where their own lives are really developed, it will all come back round when they realise how much nicer it is to have a meal cooked by mum on Christmas!

How sweet are your boys, doing the right thing by their partners! Sounds like 4 lovely DC all doing so well, try to embrace it this year and see if you can lock down plans next

StBrides · 22/12/2023 15:41

Yanbu

Useful to them realise the impact its had on you, that's part of being an adult

I'm sorry op, I hope you have a lovely day all the same

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/12/2023 15:41

Be thankful that you raised independent and happy children and stick the excess food in the freezer.

InflatableSanta · 22/12/2023 15:42

I think don't send the message now, when you are hurting, but later in the year maybe mention it?

I would hurt too, but at that age I think some are so caught up in themselves/their love lives.

I am without my children this Christmas too as it's their year.with their dad. I feel your pain I love a full house.

PamelaParis · 22/12/2023 15:42

God no, don't send a message! Your DH is right.
Did you just assume that the three boys would be coming for Christmas as that's what they've always done? Be glad you've raised happy successful kids and invite them all up for a weekend in the spring.

Shouldershoulder · 22/12/2023 15:44

I'd speak to them nearer next Christmas and ask for their plans and then mention about buying enough/too much food. I wouldn't mention it now.

SkaneTos · 22/12/2023 15:44

OP, I'm sorry that none of them are gonna be home! Especially when they said they would.

I think I agree with your husband, don't say anything to them about this now, embrace the quiet Christmas.
But maybe talk to them early in preparation for next year's Christmas, and tell them that you want to make plans.

I wish you and your husband a Merry Christmas!

RedToothBrush · 22/12/2023 15:45

I think you should send the message slightly reworded. But not before Christmas.

InflatableSanta · 22/12/2023 15:45

If it helps, some Christmases I can't get back to my parents and honestly they just aren't the same. So them not being there doesn't mean they don't wish they could be.

This year I am just burnt out and know I can't do the journey. But I am getting pangs of homesickness even as a full blown adult

Freshair1 · 22/12/2023 15:45

Don't send anything. They don't need the guilt trip.

StBrides · 22/12/2023 15:45

Yes, let's teach young men that lack of consideration is perfectly acceptable(!)

They pull out of Christmas last minute there's absolutely no reason they shouldn't have some appreciation of the impact it has. No one has suggested she guilt trip them, her desired message is very reasonable .

She also shouldn't be encouraged to swallow her feelings for the sake of peacemaking. Fgs.

JustStopOinks · 22/12/2023 15:46

Yanbu to be sad
But yabu if you send that message.

TedMullins · 22/12/2023 15:47

As an aside, you could donate the extra food to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen?

ADHDGURL · 22/12/2023 15:47

I'm so sorry OP.. the feckless indifference of youth, you must feel very hurt and taken for granted 💔
But don't send the message.. have a cosy Christmas with your P and let them come to the conclusion themselves..Next year make sure firm commitments and plans.
I don't think much to be gained by sending any messages that will spark guilt/ make them realise.. they have to find out for themselves.. I reckon they will all miss home and their parents at some stage. Try not to let it ruin your holidays (I know easier said than done) .. my 2 are similar ages, the youngest will only stay 1 night before going back to their place a mere 7 miles from me, I've accepted this over 4 years, they know the door is always open and they are always welcome 🙏..
Wishing you a very happy Christmas and New Year. X

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 22/12/2023 15:49

We go out for Christmas lunch- there’s always lots of couples there who I assume are empty nesters. Perhaps do something completely different to normal?

LadyKenya · 22/12/2023 15:49

No, there would be nothing to gain this Christmas, by sending a message like that. Is there a food bank that could benefit from the excess food, or just freeze what can be frozen.

BasiliskStare · 22/12/2023 15:49

Honestly I can absolutely see how disappointing but don't send the message about transparency right now. Be happy for them and leave it until nearer next Christmas to discuss making arrangements in advance. Don't make them feel guilty .

Children get older and we have to adapt . It is a testament to you they are all doing well . Doesn't make it easy but time moves on from sticking plasters to other stuff when they get older.

Work out a lovely day for you and Dh - films etc

Hope you do have a lovely day.

OwlWeiwei · 22/12/2023 15:50

I would be heartbroken too. It is small compensation but you must have done a good job on them that they are all so independent and adventurous, hard working and in strong relationships.

Houseplanter · 22/12/2023 15:50

Bloody hurts doesn't it OP. We can tell ourselves a thousand times we've done our job and created independent adults living their own lives. Then we think again and they're selfish, self centred ungrateful souls that have abandoned us 😂

They do need to be more considerate in the coming years, but maybe that's a discussion for another time.

Hope you manage to have a good one Flowers

Pifful · 22/12/2023 15:51

Bloody hell OP I would be gutted. Not one of them home. They obviously haven't been talking to each other and it's too late now but you need a family group chat.
No one has suggested she guilt trip them, her desired message is very reasonable .

Guilt trip away OP. They all need to know how you feel. I would wait until the day after Christmas and let them know how disappointed you are but with a sense of humour. Though TBH I think DS2 at least should change his plans.

Sparklybanana · 22/12/2023 15:51

I would be a bit annoyed but they did call to say at least and they are all good excuses. See if the food will last and see if they can do a delayed Xmas at yours?
I was speaking to my mum the other day about barely being in touch in my twenties. It's just life. They'll come back once they have kids. I'm not looking forward to my 3 cuddly kids to not call me for months.
Make the most of it and say that you need a bit of warning cos you could have been in Bahamas if you'd have known.

Fancycheese · 22/12/2023 15:51

It’s poor of them to let you know last minute and I understand why you’re upset. However your message won’t change anything and probably
best not to send anything while you’re upset. I think it would be more than fair to have a word with them in the new year. They’ve been thoughtless and/or unorganised.

BeckyWithTheGoodBear · 22/12/2023 15:52

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 22/12/2023 15:49

We go out for Christmas lunch- there’s always lots of couples there who I assume are empty nesters. Perhaps do something completely different to normal?

This is a great idea. I have 4 children currently in primary school and if I find myself in this position in the future I'll definitely be checking into a hotel for Christmas!!

MrsAmaretto · 22/12/2023 15:52

I wouldn’t send the message, and yes to pp who suggested trying to do something completely different. Next year you’ll need to get the plans sorted after the summer with them for Christmas and make it clear you’ll be buying extra so no last minute pull outs.

Can you make firm plans to see them in January? It seems a long time since you’ve seen them.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/12/2023 15:53

They’ve all (apart from your daughter) been a bit inconsiderate so nothing wrong with sending a message saying something along the lines of “we’re a bit disappointed you’ve changed plans at the last minute as we were really looking forward to it and have bought all the food etc. could we please try and make some firmer arrangements last year so we know what’s happening as we will probably make other arrangements if it’s just going to be me and your dad”.

Contrary to the belief of many on mumsnet, parenting doesn’t stop once they hit 18 and I do think they should be reminded that their plans/behaviour has an impact on others and they should be more considerate in future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread