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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
stressbucket1 · 22/12/2023 15:53

I think you are right to feel hurt that they aren't visiting at all over the Christmas period. Wouldn't necessarily have to be Christmas day.
Maybe suggest you all have a day together in the new year maybe once DD is home.

EdinGirl · 22/12/2023 15:53

Honestly, I have appreciated the times my mum hadn't made me feel guilty more than anything.

The pull between partner and family is very difficult to navigate, especially in the beginning.

YANBU to be disappointed though 💗

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 15:54

Actually I do think it's very rude to pull out at the last minute, especially when common sense should tell you that someone has been spending money on food for you / working hard to prepare rooms etc for guests.

They may be independent adults but part of being an adult is having manners and respect for others.

I don't think they're beyond a (gentle) rebuke for flaking at the last minute and a firm reminder next year about committing to plans either way.

Ponderingwindow · 22/12/2023 15:55

Don’t send the message. They didn’t do a good job of starting to pull away, but it’s likely they know that.

next year, it’s ok to have an explicit conversation about plans well in advance. Make it clear you understand that they have their own lives, would love to have them and that will always be your preference, but know you are getting to the stage where there will be turns and you may even start coming to them. Then tell them you would like to firm up plans for 2024 because if no one is coming home, it might just be Christmas in Aruba for you.

Winterknights · 22/12/2023 15:55

I don't think there is any harm with learning that your choices impact on others and that if you make arrangements you can't keep then you have really let others down in practical ways, such as the expense of food that will now not be needed.

Its not just reasonable for OP to point this out in the polite way she did, its actually part of helping them to grow to be considerate, well-rounded adults.

Original poster
FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:56

stressbucket1 · 22/12/2023 15:53

I think you are right to feel hurt that they aren't visiting at all over the Christmas period. Wouldn't necessarily have to be Christmas day.
Maybe suggest you all have a day together in the new year maybe once DD is home.

Gosh DD won't be home until July, I hope I see the boys before then!!

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 22/12/2023 15:56

How that message lands will depend on what type of people they are… you run a serious risk that they’ll just tell you they’re not coming earlier in the year so you don’t plan around them. It’s a really guilt-trippy message. They don’t need a family chat, or to organise their lives to make sure one of them is with you.

Its unrealistic to tell you to embrace a quiet Christmas if you don’t want one; but you do have it in you to just quietly close this off as one of those things, and enjoy the day however you want, even if that’s not really marking Christmas.

I’d really advocate for making plans that you want to do for Christmas and then asking your children if they want to join; as additions, so you’re not heartbroken if they say no. It sounds like they’re all nice, well adjusted people.

gamerchick · 22/12/2023 15:57

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/12/2023 15:41

Be thankful that you raised independent and happy children and stick the excess food in the freezer.

Tbh that was my first thought as well. Done well there OP.

Next gear however you say you need notice as Christmas costs a fair bit. This year is whatever you and your husband want with nobody to think about

YouveGotAFastCar · 22/12/2023 15:57

EdinGirl · 22/12/2023 15:53

Honestly, I have appreciated the times my mum hadn't made me feel guilty more than anything.

The pull between partner and family is very difficult to navigate, especially in the beginning.

YANBU to be disappointed though 💗

Exactly this.

Papillon23 · 22/12/2023 15:57

I think it's fine to say you totally see why each person isn't coming but that you need more notice of plan changes another time.

Bornonsunday · 22/12/2023 15:57

I think a message is fine, but the one you've written is a bot passive aggressive, especially the "transparent" bit.

Strictlydogs · 22/12/2023 15:57

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 15:54

Actually I do think it's very rude to pull out at the last minute, especially when common sense should tell you that someone has been spending money on food for you / working hard to prepare rooms etc for guests.

They may be independent adults but part of being an adult is having manners and respect for others.

I don't think they're beyond a (gentle) rebuke for flaking at the last minute and a firm reminder next year about committing to plans either way.

I agree tbh. Them choosing to be elsewhere is fine and a fact of life. Only letting down a host, any host, at this short notice is not cool.

Mamatoawonderfulboy · 22/12/2023 15:58

Do they each know the others have also decided not to come home last minute? I'd feel terrible if I had unknowingly left my parents alone on Christmas day because I thought two of my siblings would be there and I would wish someone had at least told me

pinkspeakers · 22/12/2023 15:58

Oh, that is really a bit rubbish of them! My kids are a similar age (20 and 21) and though I recognize they might want to make other plans for Christmas now, I would be very unhappy with them pulling out at this point unless it is absolutely unavoidable. I would definitely be having words! I hope you get to spend some time with them soon.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 22/12/2023 15:59

I'm quite the opposite and I'd be glad they are all doing what makes them happy.
My daughter is spending Christmas with her little family and she was glad when i insisted she didn't have to interrupt her day to come see us.
It's one day it's not worth getting upset over.

justalittlesnoel · 22/12/2023 16:00

It's a bit late notice but it's also not the end of the world - sending a guilt tripping message will just put peoples backs up and create lots of ill feeling!

I'd be more annoyed about the excess food than anything but freeze what you can or eat yourselves into a coma? 😂

The reasons about not wanting to leave a partner who's working nursing shifts, being asked to leave work more shifts or wanting to spend time with a partner are all pretty valid too.

irisgg7 · 22/12/2023 16:00

Wow you'd think with 4 children someone would have made it home!

But you have raised strong, independent children. In a few years they will have different priorities, maybe they will have children and move closer.

Perhaps you will book a foreign holiday, as they are not coming home.

For now, just suck it up. They have exciting lives, not everyones children do. It's sad for you, but move forward, happy that they are all happy.

Book something in feb, for everyone, girlfriends included.

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 16:01

eatdrinkandbemerry · 22/12/2023 15:59

I'm quite the opposite and I'd be glad they are all doing what makes them happy.
My daughter is spending Christmas with her little family and she was glad when i insisted she didn't have to interrupt her day to come see us.
It's one day it's not worth getting upset over.

One day when they had all promised to be there and when OP hasn't seen them for several months.

Even Christmas aside, it's not exactly your average day.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2023 16:01

Don't message, have a lovely day, if you've already organised food, hope you've got space in the freezer.
Plan something else for next year. Laugh like a drain at anyone that just assumes they can announce they're turning up a week before hand

Choux · 22/12/2023 16:01

Do they all keep in touch with each other or might each of the three sons think the other two will be with you so 'only' they have changed plans last minute?

The son with the girlfriend who is a nurse - shifts come out a long time in advance so one of that pair is just disorganized. Or it's an excuse and they want to spend it home alone.

The other son and his girlfriend also sound disorganized about plans. Or have now taken their love to the next level - spending Christmas together.

Could you have an impromptu Boxing Day party with friends?

newnamethanks · 22/12/2023 16:02

Don't send a sorrowful message OP, they may plan to avoid you further if you make them feel bad. Arrange a family get together in a few weeks time. Give them good notice. And say how lovely it will be to see them all together after such a long time, looking forward to it. Don't whinge, even if you want to, it won't serve your purpose.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 16:04

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/12/2023 15:53

They’ve all (apart from your daughter) been a bit inconsiderate so nothing wrong with sending a message saying something along the lines of “we’re a bit disappointed you’ve changed plans at the last minute as we were really looking forward to it and have bought all the food etc. could we please try and make some firmer arrangements last year so we know what’s happening as we will probably make other arrangements if it’s just going to be me and your dad”.

Contrary to the belief of many on mumsnet, parenting doesn’t stop once they hit 18 and I do think they should be reminded that their plans/behaviour has an impact on others and they should be more considerate in future.

I agree with this, and would send this message. It's very late in the day to be cancelling on you and they shouldn't be let off the hook entirely for it.

That said, not seeing two of them since the summer, one of them since Aug and one since Sept suggests there might be an underlying issue? It seems a long time for the ones in the UK to not bother to visit.

LakieLady · 22/12/2023 16:04

I get that this is a hell of a disappointment, OP, but please don't send that message. They'll either feel guilty or peeved that you're having a dig.

Just chalk it up to experience and next year, check who's actually coming before you order the Christmas food. And feel pleased that you've raised two sons who are considerate to their partners and a daughter who is independent and adventurous. They're all a credit to you, you should feel proud!

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 16:05

Think the only child who needs to be told is the one who allegedly muddled up plans with his girlfriend re Xmas and new year (ie changed his mind / got a better offer.) That's worthy of a word but not the DD in Australia for example who was never due to be home.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/12/2023 16:05

Well it's disappointing but as someone earlier pointed out, be happy that you have 3 successful children who have their own lives and are independent.

Enjoy a nice day with your DH. I'd be tempted to sack off the cooking and go out for a curry or why not book a last minute break? Freeze the food or donate it.