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AIBU?

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Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/12/2023 16:33

There are 2 issues here; the first is you missing your young adult children and feeling empty nest syndrome. These are feelings for you to manage. It’s hard though. I know that.

The other issue is young independent adults letting down their host at the last minute. That’s not cool. And not very grown up. So I would probably be inclined to send a pleasant, fairly breezy, message saying how pleased you are they have plans but that finding out so late on has left you with surplus food and an inability now to make other plans for yourselves.

If the only reason your youngest is not coming home is financial though could you help him out?

I hope you manage to have a decent day in any event.

Bournetilly · 22/12/2023 16:35

I would be gutted. It’s not right for them to change their plans at the last min, Christmas is expensive and like you say you could of done something else.

I would wait until your organising plans for next year and ask them to please confirm 100% as food was wasted last year. I wouldn’t say anything right now, what’s done is done and no point in possibly ruining their Christmas (as wrong as it was).

Do you go and visit them? If not you could stay in a hotel near by and see them. It is hard when they are so far away and have part time jobs.

Benibidibici · 22/12/2023 16:35

I don't think my parents ever had a christmas with no one. In our family Christmas is a time for family. Friends who haven't much family of their own are invited along but I'd never dream of not including my parents. When my siblings and i got to a stage where we decided not to go back to parents, it was because we were inviting them to ours.

My siblings and I are adults now with children of our own but parents are invited along.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:36

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/12/2023 16:33

Oh , I know right , DS3 (19 ) might be putting in some extra shifts because some of his work mates want to spend time with their little children . The selfish git , yeah ?

But put the boot in with some misadric shite when you don't know what's actually going on , because he's a bloke .

Hmm
Show quote history

Too much wine love? Or failed reading comprehension?
He's doing it for the money. It's right there in the OP.
Also if people wanted to spend time with little children said shifts would be known well in advance, not 3 days before Christmas.

itsmylife7 · 22/12/2023 16:36

Just wish them all a happy Christmas and don't make them feel guilty.
I understand you're upset but don't make them feel bad.

commonsense61 · 22/12/2023 16:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 22/12/2023 16:37

Yes I think it's the short notice that is the issue.

I would be quite happy for DS to do his own thing because then DH and I could go away for Christmas but I'd want enough notice to be able to do that; this close to Christmas you can't book anything, not even to go out for a meal. Everything would have been booked up weeks ago.

betterangels · 22/12/2023 16:37

Spacecowboys · 22/12/2023 16:07

Well I’m in the minority because I wouldn’t be impressed with this. It’s the 22nd of december and you’re only now being told that they won’t be coming home for Christmas. That’s very short notice, I wouldn’t be feeling proud id raised independent adults, I’d be feeling like I’d raised inconsiderate ones. I would not have a problem if they had never planned to come home for Christmas or even if they cancelled a week before but three days? I’d speak to my dcs about it after Christmas if it was me.

Agree with this. It just seems inconsiderate.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:38

Also OP this is how boys become inconsiderate, selfish men. Although technically, they're already men.
It's your call. But if you choose to say nothing about this, you could face the same next year. With that mind in I'd not be pushing the boat out.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/12/2023 16:39

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:36

Too much wine love? Or failed reading comprehension?
He's doing it for the money. It's right there in the OP.
Also if people wanted to spend time with little children said shifts would be known well in advance, not 3 days before Christmas.

Show quote history

Course he's doing it for the money , I wouldn't work Christmas for free

And things can change before Christmas , in The Real World where I live .

Shifts can get shifted

I;ll ignore the wine comment

LlynTegid · 22/12/2023 16:39

I wouldn't send the message but I agree the short notice is unreasonable. I'd be asking in October next year well in advance, and perhaps mention no DC last year at that point.

Tacotortoise · 22/12/2023 16:39

No don't send a message. They might feel slightly uncomfortable for 5 minutes and that would never do. Imagine if it made them more thoughtful!

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 16:40

@FigsnPears My son once decided he wanted to spend Christmas with his friends family
I was very upset ( Single parent, son was 18)
But I survived

I understand you being upset.
But that is what it gets like as children grow up.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 16:40

I'm not a fan of all the responses saying it's because of their age.

I would never have ditched my parents three days before Christmas at that age. It's just rude and at their ages, they should bloody well know better.

However that being said, I don't think a message complaining to them about it is really the way to deal with it. In fact, it's likely to have the opposite effect and put them off coming home much at all.

Mrsjayy · 22/12/2023 16:41

i would leave it till after Christmas and next year maybe November firm up plans say how upset you were that they just bailled on you last minute.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:41

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/12/2023 16:39

Course he's doing it for the money , I wouldn't work Christmas for free

And things can change before Christmas , in The Real World where I live .

Shifts can get shifted

I;ll ignore the wine comment

Show quote history

Well there you are then. Nothing to do with young children, or some other high and mighty motive. He just wanted £££. No need for you to make things up.
I worked retail + hospitality for years extra shifts aren't because of 'young children'. Usually illness and, funnily enough, people who didn't have any responsibility but got a great offer they 'couldn't pass up'. Those who needed the day off would've sorted it well in advance. If they worked,. they really needed the money and wouldn't be binning it off to spend the day with little children, bless you for trying to defend the lad though.

ConstitutionHill · 22/12/2023 16:43

Ah, don't say anything now, just raise the planning issue next year.

I see so many threads where parents have 20+ year olds at home, unemployed, gaming all night, smoking weed, abusive..... thank your lucky stars x

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/12/2023 16:45

I wouldn't send a message at all. I would simply make plans to be away next Christmas and mention this some time in the summer. Your children have grown up, and you can now suit yourselves at Christmas.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:45

margotrose · 22/12/2023 16:40

I'm not a fan of all the responses saying it's because of their age.

I would never have ditched my parents three days before Christmas at that age. It's just rude and at their ages, they should bloody well know better.

However that being said, I don't think a message complaining to them about it is really the way to deal with it. In fact, it's likely to have the opposite effect and put them off coming home much at all.

IMO messages are misconstrued anyway. The better thing to do would be tone it down next year. Or as @ChocolateCinderToffee said. Be away next year!
Anybody reasonable wouldn't mind her expressing - not her disappointment, but the very reasonable point that all the food etc would go to waste.
The kids may not have hosted, but as young adults living independently surely they'd be aware of how much things cost?

I DO wonder whether they'd not have done this if they didn't know no-one was going to be home for Christmas. That, to me, is the sad part.
The son going to his GF's house honestly I would never be able to face my IL's if I realised that he and his siblings had, independently of each other bailed on his parents leaving them alone. That's not an acceptable excuse.

Are all 3 aware that none of them are coming OP?

gingercat02 · 22/12/2023 16:47

We only have one child. I hope he never feels he has to come home if he doesn't want to or isn't able to.
I think it's great that 2 of your sons want to be with their partners.
I understand you are disappointed, but don't guilt them into seeing you at any time.

betterangels · 22/12/2023 16:48

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/12/2023 16:45

I wouldn't send a message at all. I would simply make plans to be away next Christmas and mention this some time in the summer. Your children have grown up, and you can now suit yourselves at Christmas.

I thought this, too.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 22/12/2023 16:49

Don't send the message. It will achieve nothing except ill will or guilt. But once the dust has settled after the holidays, you or DH could speak to them individually about explain it was a bit thoughtless and disrespectful of them to change their plans at the last minute and point out that you'd already bought the food etc.

I'd be very disappointed if mine behaved like that - making plans not to come home, fine, but not changing plans at the last minute.

In the meantime, have a think about how to mix it up on Christmas Day and have a nice day with your DH.

Simpleblessingsxx · 22/12/2023 16:49

This is the first year DH & I won't be hosting a large family gathering on Christmas day. On the contrary we are really looking forward to a quiet Christmas day doing as we please and without all the expense and preparation. As long as we spend a day or 2 together before everyone returns to work it doesn't bother me that it's not Christmas day. I'm sure it will happen again in the future but this year we are quite happy.

Original poster
FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 16:50

Thanks everyone.

I'm not upset by their reasons at all,
DS3 wants to save up so he can travel like DD is, DD worked a lot at uni to be be able to afford it, so I support and understand his motives.
DS2 I think it's just poor communication, he seemed genuinely apologetic and upset so not upset by his reason wish he'd communicated better with his partner though.
DS1 his girlfriend had originally said she was ok being alone but has expressed this week that it's making her quite upset.
I think DS2 could have communicated better and maybe DS3 should have accepted the shifts when they first became available rather than after someone cancelled if he wanted the money so we knew sooner but lesson learnt, DS1 could maybe not plan to be away from his girlfriend next year.

DD hasn't done anything wrong she told us last Christmas she'd be travelling this year and who would want to miss Christmas in Australia if it's an option!!

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 22/12/2023 16:53

Useful to them realise the impact its had on you, that's part of being an adult
This is worth repeating.

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