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Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
OccasionalHope · 22/12/2023 16:54

Freeze all the food and suggest you do Christmas at Easter instead.

whatchagonnado · 22/12/2023 16:55

One future year you may get them all and the grandkids too! A quiet one is to be enjoyed.
Please don't guilt trip them. And don't say anything

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 16:56

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

It's not about their individual reasons though OP - it's that all of them, collectively have made it quite different! It would not be an issue if it was just one of them.
Perhaps I'm quite vocal about this because flakiness has become so much more frequent post-Covid and I'm quite the organiser. Everyone drops out thinking they're the only one resulting in no-shows.

You can easily freeze food for one person... not so easily for all 3. A lot of it is rich party food as well you can't be eating it for days on end. And suggestions like @OccasionalHope 's is silly you might want your freezer space for other things.

What's done is done. But personally I wouldn't put myself out if I were you.

You could meet up between Christmas and New Year though? We're doing that as all of us are working Christmas Day (albeit two of us on-call and WFH). Surely that's better than not having any gathering at all?

margotrose · 22/12/2023 16:57

I'm not upset by their reasons at all,

Well, that's your prerogative but IMO the reasons are largely irrelevant. Aside from DD, they've all behaved appallingly.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 22/12/2023 16:58

They’ve been inconsiderate to you and it’s important that someone tells them this, even if it’s after Christmas. Do they all know that none of their siblings will be there?

ClottedCreamScone · 22/12/2023 16:58

Don’t send the message - it won’t change anything and will just mean there is bad feeling. But next year you can make plans nice and early and ask people to stick to them or to communicate in plenty of time so you don’t buy lots of food to be wasted.

I absolutely understand why you’re upset - hopefully next year is a busy one with more of them at home ♥️

Notafanofchristmas · 22/12/2023 16:58

Please don’t make them feel guilty. It might push them
away. My dad used to make me feel guilty and it actually made me want to spend less time with him.

I get it. My son is 21, he’s still at home, but if he wasn’t, I would feel sad too.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 17:00

Notafanofchristmas · 22/12/2023 16:58

Please don’t make them feel guilty. It might push them
away. My dad used to make me feel guilty and it actually made me want to spend less time with him.

I get it. My son is 21, he’s still at home, but if he wasn’t, I would feel sad too.

Personally if any child of mine felt 'pushed away' instead of rightly owning their mistakes I'd have not raised them right. The issue is the last-minute notice not whether or not to go home. If a month ago they'd indicated they were not coming, that wouldn't be an issue.
but then again. These 3 are young. So maybe they just need to mature.

Original poster
FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 17:02

margotrose · 22/12/2023 16:57

I'm not upset by their reasons at all,

Well, that's your prerogative but IMO the reasons are largely irrelevant. Aside from DD, they've all behaved appallingly.

Gosh if this is appalling in your mind, your kids must have been perfect!!

It's not ideal, it's upsetting, it's poor communication and a little tad of living in their own world.

It's not been done maliciously, they did feel bad for cancelling.

Considering some people commit awful crimes, have children and abandon them, never work a day in their life despite being able and fit to, spend their life drinking/doing drugs, don't try to succeed at all etc.

I'd say my kids behaviour is far far from appalling.
If you think this is "appalling" behaviour you need a reality check.

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfavourite · 22/12/2023 17:04

You should be congratulating yourself OP on raising 4 amazing humans who are (by the sounds of it) intelligent, confident, ambitious and hard workers! Of course, you'll be feeling sad - empty nest is no joke and it's a very emotional time when they're away from home for such a long time. It took me ages to get to grips with my DCs growing up. I did find when they were the ages that your DCs are now, they were away more, travelling uni etc. But don't assume that will always be the case. Your DCs are enjoying the freedom and the life that you have obviously worked so bloody hard to give them. Pat yourself on the back, spend a moment being sad, feel all of the feels. Send them all a message saying how you are excited about spending time together again soon and make it happen another time. Then get the Gin/Baileys/Quality Street open! Sending hugs.

LumpyPumpkin · 22/12/2023 17:06

Do not send the message at all. Not now. Not after Christmas. All you will do is make your children feel bad when they have done nothing wrong at all.

Outliers · 22/12/2023 17:07

I'm more fascinated that you raised 4 children do close in age.

Notafanofchristmas · 22/12/2023 17:07

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 17:00

Personally if any child of mine felt 'pushed away' instead of rightly owning their mistakes I'd have not raised them right. The issue is the last-minute notice not whether or not to go home. If a month ago they'd indicated they were not coming, that wouldn't be an issue.
but then again. These 3 are young. So maybe they just need to mature.

Show quote history

Of course they still need to mature. They probably would have thought it through better in a few years. It’s okay to be a bit selfish in your early 20s, probably the only time you can be.

My dad expected me to put everything aside for him and he would then sit there listing his past disappointments of me. I’d rather my adult child was out in the world having fun, building their own lives and relationships when they were young.

My son is a police officer and working all christmas on his usual shift pattern - dh has already had to have a a word with his parents as they said it was unacceptable, he should be here.

Verv · 22/12/2023 17:07

As others have said, YANBU to be sad, but YABU to give them Christmas guilt via message.

StillWantingADog · 22/12/2023 17:08

Aw I’d be gutted
but would (try and) enjoy a nice quiet Christmas with dh and when it’s all done and duster make it clear that I expect them all to turn up next year, partners welcome

tara66 · 22/12/2023 17:11

But OP hope you did not buy a whole lot of food that will go to waste. I think they were certainly inconsiderate if not appalling! Don't let it happen again!

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 17:11

LumpyPumpkin · 22/12/2023 17:06

Do not send the message at all. Not now. Not after Christmas. All you will do is make your children feel bad when they have done nothing wrong at all.

They have done something wrong. They have all cancelled on plans last minute, which is rude.

It doesn't need to be a guilt trip but they need to understand they can't be flakey in future.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/12/2023 17:14

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 22/12/2023 15:49

We go out for Christmas lunch- there’s always lots of couples there who I assume are empty nesters. Perhaps do something completely different to normal?

That's very selfish. There are always lots of hospitality staff who don't want to work at Christmas but are threatened with the sack if they don't. They'd rather be at home with their families, rather than serving people and watching them have a good time whilst only earning minimum wage.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 17:15

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 17:02

Gosh if this is appalling in your mind, your kids must have been perfect!!

It's not ideal, it's upsetting, it's poor communication and a little tad of living in their own world.

It's not been done maliciously, they did feel bad for cancelling.

Considering some people commit awful crimes, have children and abandon them, never work a day in their life despite being able and fit to, spend their life drinking/doing drugs, don't try to succeed at all etc.

I'd say my kids behaviour is far far from appalling.
If you think this is "appalling" behaviour you need a reality check.

Show quote history

I don't need a reality check. Their behaviour is appalling because it's selfish and thoughtless and was done with no regard for you or your feelings.

The fact that other people commit "awful crimes" and abandon their children has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I'd be ashamed if my adult kids behaved like this.

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 17:16

margotrose · 22/12/2023 17:15

I don't need a reality check. Their behaviour is appalling because it's selfish and thoughtless and was done with no regard for you or your feelings.

The fact that other people commit "awful crimes" and abandon their children has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I'd be ashamed if my adult kids behaved like this.

Show quote history

Bit much.

Their behaviour is flakey and inconsiderate but it's not "appalling".

Shootin · 22/12/2023 17:17

Put your life into perspective.
Your children are healthy and enjoying life. Do not get me wrong, I can understand your feelings. But that’s life theses days.
If it was me I lol would think of parents who have had some tragic news just before Christmas about their children - there’s been a lot in the news recently- killed in traffic accidents, terminally ill , murders etc etc.
Things could be much worse.
They will many more Christmases for you to look forward to in the future with your children.

amiyoung · 22/12/2023 17:19

Notafanofchristmas · 22/12/2023 17:07

Of course they still need to mature. They probably would have thought it through better in a few years. It’s okay to be a bit selfish in your early 20s, probably the only time you can be.

My dad expected me to put everything aside for him and he would then sit there listing his past disappointments of me. I’d rather my adult child was out in the world having fun, building their own lives and relationships when they were young.

My son is a police officer and working all christmas on his usual shift pattern - dh has already had to have a a word with his parents as they said it was unacceptable, he should be here.

Show quote history

But the issue isn't their absence. It's the last-minute notice.
Parents, friends, whoever you don't bail on people last-minute unless you're ill or some other emergency.

FWIW I don't, unlike another poster think it 'appalling' of course this isn't a massive issue unlike doing drugs. But I was never 'selfish' at any age, maybe because my family was poor so I had to be disciplined and responsible to get what I wanted. Certainly any massive meal like this would have been a big effort and expense on them and I'd be well aware. They wouldn't have had a freezer to just 'keep it', they'd have saved and planned for months.
DH wasn't exactly poor but from farming stock, working from a young age. Again very aware of all these things.

In 2023 when I see so many people 60 -70 still scrimping and saving to be able to host their kids in a nice manner at Christmas it does break my heart to think that all of that goes unappreciated. Especially as the same people even on a 'decent' wage are skint putting multiple kids through uni. Just like the OP she has at least 2 kids (don't know about the 22 year old) it must be a big financial outgoing. Especially as her son isn't working Christmas to pay the bills, just to 'travel' she's clearly not letting them starve.
But then again, maybe I'm just projecting.

@Flickersy exactly.

A lot of people are black and white it's OK to acknowledge that they've been rude, while it's not the end of the world it's still not ideal behaviour. That's all. OP isn't wrong for feeling a bit upset and should manage expectations/bin the whole thing off next year. The end.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 17:19

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 17:16

Bit much.

Their behaviour is flakey and inconsiderate but it's not "appalling".

Show quote history

Poor behaviour shouldn't be brushed off as "flakey and inconsiderate".

They've been selfish and hurtful. They had plans to see their parents, decided they had a better offer and ditched them at the last minute. IMO that is pretty appalling behaviour. They're adults and old enough to know better.

I also think if this thread was about a MIL or SIL who ditched the OP for a better offer, everyone would be screaming about how selfish they'd been. Being young isn't a reason to be rude and inconsiderate.

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 17:22

margotrose · 22/12/2023 17:19

Poor behaviour shouldn't be brushed off as "flakey and inconsiderate".

They've been selfish and hurtful. They had plans to see their parents, decided they had a better offer and ditched them at the last minute. IMO that is pretty appalling behaviour. They're adults and old enough to know better.

I also think if this thread was about a MIL or SIL who ditched the OP for a better offer, everyone would be screaming about how selfish they'd been. Being young isn't a reason to be rude and inconsiderate.

Show quote history

And if you'd read the thread, you'd see my first post said that while it's good they're independent adults, part of being an adult is having manners and consideration for others. They have been rude and I would personally be telling them that they can't give late notice in future.

But it's not a heinous travesty.

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 17:23

They were a bit inconsiderate but also bad luck that they have all had things drop up, as one dropping out wouldn’t have been such an issue.

I agree leave it for this year but next year pre plan and make it clear that late drop out is inconvenient for you due to food shopping etc.

Is there no date between xmas and new year at least 2 can come up for a big meal? Freeze some of the stuff you have bought in?