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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
ellyeth · 23/12/2023 19:39

I think it's rather thoughtless of them to leave it so late to tell you they can't come. But, thinking about it, I suppose I was quite thoughtless when I was that age, not realising how hurtful it can be to feel that you are some sort of afterthought to your children.

I am sure as they get older they will behave more sensitively but, if they don't, it is up to you to calmly point it out.

I agree that it would probably be better not to say anything at the moment but, nearer to next Christmas, maybe say that you would like to know definitely who will be coming for Christmas as you don't want a recurrence of 2023 when you had bought extra food specially.

Mumsyto2boys · 23/12/2023 19:48

Book a last minute flight to Australia and surprise your daughter, I lived in Australia for nearly 10 years and honestly only spent 2 Christmas’s there as it just wasn’t the same and I was so homesick! We live back in England now and wouldn’t miss another Christmas with my parents, so you’ll at least have that to look forward to xx

Mamafromthebeach · 23/12/2023 20:22

Sorry OP - I am sure your are disappointed.

I probably would send a message - but try to be upbeat saying “can we please work out a weekend when you can all ( except dd for now) make it home for a dinner together”? Invite their girlfriends and up to them if they can come. I am sure you will have them home soon for a visit - try to enjoy Christmas.

Jo586 · 23/12/2023 20:35

When we separated 20 years ago we had alternate Christmas with the kids so I am used to not having them. Now they older they do what they want, sometimes come , sometimes not. Honestly doesn't bother us, if they are travelling,.working or with partners.

BarelyCoping123 · 23/12/2023 20:53

JustStopOinks · 22/12/2023 15:46

Yanbu to be sad
But yabu if you send that message.

This

laraitopbanana · 23/12/2023 21:02

Hi Lovely!

don’t send a message, enjoy this new phase...it won’t be long before they head back with your grandkids :)

give some food if you have too much, way too many people not having enough this year!

Good luck :)

Dutch1e · 23/12/2023 21:28

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you!

How bloody annoying to have done such a brilliant job of raising them that they feel totally free to become absorbed in their own lives and take you for granted rather than scrabbling for any bit of family love they can get

That probably sounds sarcastic but I honestly mean it. You've raised proper independent adults and should pat yourself on the back but that doesn't stop it hurting.

I've had a couple of kidless Christmases and it's definitely wistful. If it happens again I think I'll pack it all in and take a long trip to have a adventure somewhere very un- Christmassy. Shanghai perhaps?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/12/2023 21:30

I’m sorry your plans went sideways. I imagine it’s the last minute change being the worst.

Your DH sounds like he has some good advice there about not sending the message and embracing the holiday with the 2 of you.

Wish them all a Merry Christmas and enjoy your holidays. If you still want to bring it up wait until summer.

colouringindoors · 23/12/2023 21:46

Womencanlift · 22/12/2023 16:25

I am very surprised at the responses as knowing how much goes into Christmas, there is no way I would let my family down 3 days before.

Yes you may have raised independent children but the ones that have just dropped this on you, I wouldn’t be impressed that they think that’s acceptable

I definitely be sending a message of some sort

This! Yes independence is great, but Christmas is a lot of work and this is really late notice - which to me is not how to treat people.

Pippalola · 23/12/2023 21:55

Sounds great to me 🤣🤣🤣. No I do understand but embrace a quiet Christmas and send message in new year.

pookie999 · 23/12/2023 22:04

Don't send the passive aggressive message. And stop feeling sorry for yourself. You sound entitled

theresnolimits · 23/12/2023 22:18

I’m sorry this has happened but please don’t send that message. It’s a sour note and will make them defensive.

In a way you’re a victim of having four I think. They have probably all thought they individually won’t be missed ~ but now they’ve all dropped out.

Sadly as they get partners, work commitments etc, you drop down the list. With sons I found the girls did tend to be more assertive and we got put to the back of the queue. But I see it that we have a great family, we create strong links throughout the year and they show their love in other ways.

If I ask for them to come on Mother’s Day or my birthday, they will lock that in. Sometimes you need to be assertive. And I always tried to do stuff as well a ‘visit’ ~ so get tickets for a comedy show or an exhibit I know they’d enjoy.

Chalk this up to experience, don’t make it a big deal now ~ have a rest.

Houseplanter · 23/12/2023 22:19

pookie999 · 23/12/2023 22:04

Don't send the passive aggressive message. And stop feeling sorry for yourself. You sound entitled

You either don't have any children of your own, or completely lack empathy

changeme4this · 23/12/2023 22:34

If finances permit, I would pack the car/bag whatever and head off.

However if you are looking after family pets, I would suggest between the 3 that are roughly around, they sort who is going to look after them. They should be able to cone up with a roster that suits..

go and have a good time!

Jk987 · 23/12/2023 22:40

If you do send a message, don't make it about the excess Christmas food as that would be disingenuous. You are feeling sad that you won't see them and you have to be honest about that. It's ok to feel sad but it doesn't have to ruin yours or their Christmas.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/12/2023 22:49

I’d be gutted too. Maybe leave it till after Christmas and then speak to them-always better than a text! Just can we plan better next year as we had loads of food in and if we knew none of you were coming we’d have made plans to go out for dinner/holiday whatever.

Raffles76 · 23/12/2023 23:22

Alwaystired2023 · 22/12/2023 15:41

Oh I'm sorry OP I would be heartbroken, think your DH is right though - look for the positives and play it cool 🤣 they are just all at ages where their own lives are really developed, it will all come back round when they realise how much nicer it is to have a meal cooked by mum on Christmas!

How sweet are your boys, doing the right thing by their partners! Sounds like 4 lovely DC all doing so well, try to embrace it this year and see if you can lock down plans next

This.
It sounds as though you've done a wonderful job with them - they are happy and independent.
I do understand and feel your pain though - go easy on yourself and treat yourself this Christmas, and try to enjoy it. Don’t lay the guilt trip on, as tempting as it may be… remain open and welcoming to them and they’ll always end up coming back!

Skybluepinky · 23/12/2023 23:38

Just wish them a merry Xmas, and arrange a special day where u can all get together, don’t over think it. Book to go away or out for a meal next year.

PennyEffie · 24/12/2023 00:15

I’m sorry you are feeling sad and that it wasn’t well planned and you weren’t given time to emotionally prepare.
I don’t think you should send that message, I think it will foster resentment. Perhaps next year when planning Christmas note that you need commitments re attendance for both planning and setting your own expectations.
can you spend Christmas with relatives or friends? If not plan a fun day watching your favourite movies or doing things you enjoy.
in our family we alternate Christmas so all kids are with in laws one year and family or origin the next. If it’s a skip year presents are posted and we do calls and then a make up dat another day. Some families do both side on one day or the day after but with distance we can’t always do that. Sometime in laws are invited for a mixed family Christmas; but that can be hard if they have other children and partners.
This year has had some teething issues for your family, the kids might not even know that all the others aren’t going. I hope you have a nice family day another day.
Your responses are really reasonable and I am sure your kids do appreciate you and you’ll have a lot of lovely time together in the future.

H007 · 24/12/2023 00:16

If you are going to message them don’t make it about the food, just be honest with them. Say you miss them and you’d really like to see them, maybe you could create a late Christmas next week?

ShonaShoop · 24/12/2023 00:36

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

I have 5 children. None are coming home for Christmas this year, for various reasons. After 30 years of hosting Christmas I can honestly say I’m ecstatic that I can do whatever I want to do. My Christmas will consist of me lying in for as long as I can (I’ll probably have to get up about 8am for the loo). I’ll have my favourite breakfast - Banana and peanut butter on toast.

Then I’ll text all the kids to wish them a merry Christmas and tell them how much I’m missing them ha! Then I’ll take the dog for a long walk on the beach, return home, put my feet up and watch any crap on TV - something I’ve never done before. Oh and I’ll raise a glass to all the mothers and MIL’s that have managed to get through the day with a smile plastered on their faces, sitting in a house they’ve spend days cleaning that now looks like a bomb site, after they have spent all day cooking for and entertaining their adult offspring and their darling GC and have spent the day praying they will go home soon.

This will be my best Christmas ever! Just me and the dog. No hassle, no expense, no stress. Perfect!

sunr111se · 24/12/2023 00:36

im nearly 40 and have never spent a Christmas Day without my mum and dad. It would just be wrong! I’ve planned uni. Bfs work holidays. All around being with my parents every year. But my parents are awesome and I wish I saw them more

Finlesswonder · 24/12/2023 00:59

Not a mother, but a woman who has experience of being with some thoughtless, selfish men.

Now understand how that happens

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/12/2023 06:10

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/12/2023 15:41

Be thankful that you raised independent and happy children and stick the excess food in the freezer.

This, but also say you'll miss them and would love to get together at Easter if that's possible.

Topsyturveymam · 24/12/2023 07:10

I can understand you being upset and I’d be having a conversation after Christmas with them about it. Living their lives is one thing, u-turning on set plans is another.

Readjust your plans for the day. I know it must be upsetting for empty nesters but to be honest my house is absolute chaos right now with younger kids and I’m already exhausted…a relaxing Christmas Day sounds like absolute bliss!

In future though, be firmer about your plans and let them know these last minute changes are not acceptable. If they aren’t coming home, you can plan something glorious-perhaps a trip away. I’d imagine if you have years of the house being full of kids, that can be the only way you see Christmas …but there are many fabulous alternatives to have a great Yuletide!

x