None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

[FigsnPears]

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

Or.... They're an adult that like me, is fed up of dealing with people's badly expressed emotions. My mother in law started a call with my OH by saying 'what if this had been an emergency and you ignored it?' Like.... Get a grip, woman. Yes. It's disappointing when plans go tits up but to send a text designed to upset isn't on. And yes it would upset/rankle/sour the mood.

I can understand your disappointment. Did you say anything to them in the moment? Did you express this to them when they told you, at short notice, that they weren’t coming home after all? That would be the time to bring it up - not in a guilt-tripping message after the event. So either raise it at the time, or say nothing but resolve to make sure they are more organised in the future.

did they apologise when they told you? or just send a casual text with their change of plans?

How firm were the plans? I know that at that stage (uni age) my mum just tended to assume that we would be ‘home’ for Christmas and start planning accordingly without actually confirming anything.

Do you think they discussed it between them? My sister and I have always tried to make sure at least one of us can be ‘home’ at Christmas.

I really think it's important that you explain to them, nicely, that you have bought food and made preparations and that while you understand their reasons you would really appreciate it if next year they thought about their plans in advance and told if they would or would not be coming. They are adults now and while you are understandably upset at having none of them there at the last minute if you had known in advance you could have had a lovely few days away with your husband enjoying an alternative Christmas with someone else doing all the work! I am sure they just didn't think, as young people don't, but they need to learn that this is not an acceptable or polite way to behave like that in future. Is it too late for a last minute getaway? Somewhere snowy? Austrian Alps? Center Parcs?

I'd be sad too Op but it sounds like you have wonderful sons who are supporting their girlfriends.
Don't send text but after Christmas maybe have a word about the late notice and explain about the food etc.
But enjoy a nice quiet Christmas x

I’m very sorry OP

Don’t send the message, what do you think it’s going to achieve? The way it’s written is like you want to make them feel guilty (about the food and you having no plans) and under obligation for next years and blaming them for not being ‘transparent’, not really wishing them a good christmas at all- it’s saying something else (which is you’re hurt and you want them to feel it) .
They all have individual reasons for not being there. So treat them as individuals. A collective message other than a simple unloaded Merry Christmas isn’t going to bring them home xx

Your husband is right.

So the adult children are allowed to upset and ranked sour the mood of yhe ops Christmas but she has to remain beatific and serene snd just accept any old crap thrown at her?

It's not crap tho, it is family making plans and things going astray. If nothing was firmly agreed then stuff like this happens. Mum doesn't have to be all serene and whatever but Christ almighty, be an adult and don't go in a sulk! How does that endear you to your children? You can either be upset and set off a stink bomb of a text or be upset and hold the peace until a better moment to think about how to do Christmas next year. It's only one pigging day.

I understand you are disappointed but please don't send the message. You will regret it. I suggest following what DH says and embracing a quiet Xmas.

10 days before is not last minute imo for one son.

One of the sons did apologise to OP when telling her

The daughter wasn’t coming anyway.

The other son, OP will have to clarify if he did, and stayed with his gf so she wouldn’t be alone for Christmas.

Yes, they could have communicated better, but some are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

Don'tsend the message now. I am wondering do they realize you are on your own. But I agree with the other posters... Congratulations on raising independent and kind kids. Could you suggest a family zoom on Christmas day? Perhaps your husband could organize it and that way you don't have to mention the absences but they get the message in a positive way. . Hapyy Christmas anyway. And rejoice that they are healthy. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer on 23 December 2019. She is fully recovered now and I haven't stressed about Christmas since!!!

Oooh pack your bags for a guilt trip.

Why don’t you have Christmas in January when they have less going on ?

If your children wanted to come home for Christmas they would come home for Christmas. It’s wrong to insist. People should be allowed to have the Christmas they want.

I understand that you’re sad and upset but i think you should wish them all well and enjoy a Quiet Christmas

sounds like they’re all living fabulous lives and are interesting people. You should be proud

They will all be with you next year

I would play it cool, it’s just the age they are at. Next year through you might want to send the message saying you would like firmer plans before you order the food etc

As someone whose mother presses every year to have Christmas, it’s nice to have freedom to decide what you want to do.

I concur 👍🏻

I agree with your husband, don't send the message, it's just a bit petty. By the sounds of it none of them intended to let you down, it's just circumstance. I totally understand the disappointment but every now and then we need to adapt and adjust, this is one of those times. If you don't want to embrace the quiet then get out the house, have a picnic out somewhere or volunteer. Visit an elderly relative or go to the pub. Go for a long walk or go to the beach. Be thankful that your children are all happy and well. Focus on what you have.

I say feck em! Book yourselves a holiday to the Maldives for next Christmas and lie in the sun sipping cocktails ,windsurfing, and watching little colourful fish gently tickling your feet as you dangle them from a jetty into the clear, warm azure sea.
Can't beat it 👙🍹

People should be allowed to have the Christmas they want.

Nobody's saying otherwise. But if you want to spend Christmas with your girlfriend, then you arrange that in advance, instead of planning to go to your mums and then cancelling last minute.

I think from late teens and into mid to late twenties, kids can be quite thoughtless and mindless. They don't realise that life is short and loved ones won't be around forever. I would have invited their partners as well, but if the partners also have family; you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Their family could also he spending their first Christmas without their kids.

I would message them and tell them they must try better and work harder at being more thoughtful to others time and finances, and feelings. Otherwise, wait until they are mid 30's and late 30's, I feel that's when they start begging for you to invite them and do all the cooking, again. (I'm 38 and it's how I feel! But trying to have a big family dinner with mine is like trying to get blood from a rock! It's just myself, hubby, the 2 dogs, and 3 children - 9,10, and 15. I would dearly love a massive family Christmas, but hey-ho. I won't beg!)

I think you just have to hold onto your fact that you have four wonderful and successful sounding children who are in education, travelling, working hard and being considerate boyfriends.

They could do with a finger wagging about not wasting food and messing you about, but that would be best done by DH and later in the new year.

I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.

Just wish them all Happy Christmas. After Christmas have a discussion about all of you discussing and being clearer about Christmas in future and make a jokeycomment about too much food and eating turkey in various guises for weeks

At least they are out there living their lives being independent. My kids are autistic and will struggle to leave me. You wouldn't want it like that would you! I'm sure that there will be another year's when more of them are around x

I have had a similar problem this year but more the last minute disorganisation/ last minute plans and not knowing when they were coming, they all turned up a day early. I'm exhausted!