None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

[FigsnPears]

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

For practical reasons, I get that some of these cancellations are a bit late in the day. But they all have very good reasons. Actually, I think it's wonderful that they are all busy, active and making the most of their lives - any parents would surely be very proud of them. There's something a bit odd about young adults who keep going back to their folks year after year.
Nice quiet time for Mum and Dad - you might even enjoy it.

I would communicate with them (in a calm manner)- they need to understand that while having their own plans is ok, they can’t leave it till last minute to let you know.

There's something a bit odd about young adults who keep going back to their folks year after year.

But it's not about the fact that they're not home for Christmas, it's the fact that they changed their plans with barely any notice.

I don't personally consider cancelling 10, 4 and 3 days out to be particularly last minute. All had valid reasons, all contacted their parents and explained and apologised from the sound of things.

A guilt tripping message (I am sure that isn't the OP's intention but certainly could cause guilt) would definitely make me less inclined to commit myself to any future Xmas plans in advance for fear of causing more upset if something came up.

None of them intended to miss Xmas at home. They're all adults and all know they should communicate better. If this was happening every year then fair enough but I think lesson will be learnt after this one.

I agree with this is just rude!

OP DH and I spend Christmas Day on our own, we much prefer it than the hustle and bustle of a full house. We sleep late, drink champagne when we get up then do gifts followed by a long dog walk, home for a bath for me while DH prepares a seafood platter along with more champagne. A little snooze follows, another shorter dog walk then home for some tv (or we sometimes play a board game or read) more champagne then bed. It’s absolutely bliss!

Enjoy having a lovely quiet Christmas with your DH. Your four are extremely close in age so I'm not surprised they are all so busy- they are all at the start of their adult lives! In 5-10+ years your Christmases will be potentially very busy as your family grows!

Chuck food in the freezer or donate to food bank. Book a last minute trip snowy magical trip (not child oriented) and go husky sleighing, see the northern lights and have some fun just the two of you. Send the kids a postcard. Definitely don’t make them feel guilty but factually discuss next year so doesn’t happen again hopefully. Better to be fun parents off having an amazing time if you can either at home or away. Happy Christmas OP YANBU

They're all just normal 20 somethings.

Wait until they're in their 30s and having kids. Your phone will be on red alert, ringing off the hook all day long looking for help and baby sitting and Muuuum! It won't stop, I promise you.

My DM said there were days when she felt like putting the answerphone on!

Enjoy the peace and quiet my dear and just wait quietly, knowing you'll be rushed off your feet in years to come.

They all sound lovely. At least they called to let you know. They do think of you. Yes they do.

Now enjoy that quiet Christmas!

Hardly.

We went out for a curry in a top rated restaurant. I doubt tha t many of the staff were Christian.

Britain is diverse. Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus. Even orthodox Christians celebrate it on a different day. If people want to work why is it selfish to give them custom?

It was a lovely meal and a nice way to spend the day.

OP, yanbu to be upset. They could have communicated better.

Look at the positives, one DS is working to earn money so he may travel independently, not expecting someone else to foot the bill, another DS is making sure his gf isn’t alone on Christmas, and another is apologetic for the miscommunication he caused.

Despite this mistake, it reads that you have done well in raising your children imo.

You and your DH have Christmas together which sounds like he’s content with spending it with you, his wife alone.

I wouldn’t send the text message and wait til they visit in person to remind them to let you know earlier about changes if they can’t make it. Tone can be heavily misconstrued by text.

I'm genuinely really surprised at how many people are saying this kind of behaviour is okay.

If I had plans to spend Christmas with someone, there is no way I would ditch them, and especially not with three days bloody notice. It's just rude no matter how old you are or what "better alternative" you were offered.

At what age should adults be accountable for their actions then? 25? 30? 35?

This pervasive fear of making adult children feel a little bit guilty...I can see why so many people complain about the 'entitled' attitude of 20 somethings 😄

DS3 gave you a weeks notice, so no need to guilt trip him.

If you could have afforded it you could have given him the money he would have earned, and his train fare ?

DS2 needs to communicate with his girlfriend better !

DS1 needs to find his manners -as his girlfriend will have known for some time that she was rota'd over Christmas - it's part of her job and will probably happen many times in the future.

Freeze the food, or cook it then freeze it.

and in future years shop today or tomorrow - then you should know if anyone is coming or not.

Is it possible they wanted to do their own thing all along but were worried about telling you?
I'm old and I still find it incredibly stressful deciding what to do for Christmas, who to visit, who to invite etc
I hate telling my Mum we won't be seeing them, though she has never made me feel bad.
Don't send the message, try to have an open and honest conversation well before next Christmas 🎄

Exactly!

If they're not accountable at 19, 21 and 22, when are they?

It's shit behaviour no matter how old they are. That said, I would be a bit more forgiving of the youngest who is working instead, but the other two would just rather see their girlfriends - which, while understandable, should have been arranged weeks ago.

Don't send that message OP. You will upset your DC and make them feel guilty. Instead enjoy a quiet Xmas freeze some of the food to have when they do come back. You gave them wings so they can fly. You should be really proud they are all strong independent adults now. You surely want them to come home because they want to spend time with you not because of gut? I won't see my DD or DGS's or DS1 Xmas day. What I did was make Fake Xmas. On December 9th a weekend all of my 3 DC and 2 DGS's could make I cooked a full Xmas dinner with all the trimmings and planned festive activities for DGC. We drank too much wine in the evening and played board games followed by watching Die Hard which is one of our Xmas traditions. I got the snacks out and DH and I exchanged and opened gifts with DD and DS1 who I won't see at Xmas. For me that is Xmas this year. It doesn't matter to me and DH it was not on December 25th. I try to make sure whenever any of my DC come for a weekend I roll out the red carpet cook their favourite meals and get their favourite snacks in and enjoy their company.

I’m sorry that they’re not coming but enjoy the time with your hubby.
This world is going to sh*t so let them live their lives whilst they can 😍

Oh goodness me, OP, what a lucky lady you are! Your children are doing really well for themselves and are a credit to you. Let them spread their wings and get on with their lives without guilt. Thank them for letting you know and tell them that you look forward to their next visit. Do not communicate your sadness, instead communicate happiness and pride that they are successful people and will always have a special place in your heart, even when they can't be with you in person.

I'd group message along the lines of
Happy to see we roasted you to be so considerate and responsible towards your partner's and job
Mom would appreciate some of that consideration next year so I don't have a house full of food I'll be force feeding your father until Easter. Also, I miss your faces. How about family Easter?

Maybe you need to organise seeing your children more ? Could you every month or so, visit the city where one lives and have dinner or lunch with them or spend the day with them, next month visit the next, etc.

Make the most of a quiet year - in a few years time it will be them plus partners plus kids! 😁

Oh, OP. That is upsetting.

I agree with PP, don't send a message when you're upset.

Hopefully next year will be better for you

I think you should send a message wishing them all a wonderful Christmas, and highlighting how proud you are that you've raised such independent children although you will miss them this year. Tell them there is plenty of food so if they are able to pop over after Christmas they can collect what's available with plenty kisses at the end if your that kind of parent and then say hopefully next year we can all be together ❤️

Don’t send the message OP. Guilt tripping is actually more likely to put some distance rather than give a perspective. I would mention it later and in a very ‘’matter of fact” way… saying lots of food and preparation gone to waste etc.

I would be very disappointed too op, but I wouldn’t send that message. Unless they’re completely clueless, they know they’ve let you down. I would say a dignified silence on the matter would be most effective. I would also be planning to be away myself over Christmas next year. Time to put yourself first for a change.