None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

[FigsnPears]

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

I think the message I would send is

"We're sorry that none of you will be joining us this year, but we hope you all have a lovely Christmas. Next year, please could we confirm plans by <X date> so that we can plan shopping etc accordingly, as we have already bought everything and the last minute notice has left us with a fair amount of excess food."

Well I’m in the minority because I wouldn’t be impressed with this. It’s the 22nd of december and you’re only now being told that they won’t be coming home for Christmas. That’s very short notice, I wouldn’t be feeling proud id raised independent adults, I’d be feeling like I’d raised inconsiderate ones. I would not have a problem if they had never planned to come home for Christmas or even if they cancelled a week before but three days? I’d speak to my dcs about it after Christmas if it was me.

Don't send the message now, but when the Christmas conversations get going next year, me too it then!

And enjoy a lovely quiet Christmas with your husband 💖

And a side note but how did you cope with so many children, so close in age? 4 under 5😫🤯

I'd be absolutely thrilled they were all off doing fantastic things and living their lives to the full by the sounds of it! Yes it's disappointing and last minute and tbh one bailing probs has prompted others maybe 🤷‍♀️ however I wouldn't make them feel bad or guilty for it.

As a mum whose 21 year old may never be able to leave home and be independent I'd give anything to see him off doing such great stuff!

Actually @Spacecowboys makes some very valid points.

Don’t send that message

Work out when you all can get together

I agree with this. I would want to let them know the consequences of their being so disorganised as you don’t want it happening last minute again. But leave it until next autumn?

@illbeinthegarden

Sorry to hear that, I have a few friends in that position, plus a few who lost children. it's all relative isn't it. Life can be so cruel.
XX

I’m genuinely very surprised at some of these responses. My siblings and I would never leave our parents alone over Christmas, so I think the OPs kids SHOULD feel a little bit guilty, especially since it’s such short notice.

I think that age period of young adulthood (20-25) is when many of us, myself included, embrace adult life and can be a bit selfish/self-centred without meaning to be. But I think it can be a very important step towards independence in adulthood. Your children sound like they are doing so well - confidence to travel, commitment to partner, work ethic - you should be proud. This Christmas raise a toast to your fabulous children, embrace the calm - as I can imagine a few years down the line you might have a very full house!

I'm sorry OP. I have two DC, one who has vanished aged 23 now, haven't seen them in almost 4yrs. Other DC alternates Christmas between their partners divorced parents, so I'm on my own two out of three years. I'm single too.

You just get used to it.

I do agree with @Spacecowboys point though that to pull out at such short notice is very inconsiderate. But again, at their age they are probably a bit oblivious as to how much work/prep goes in to Christmas Day. I think it's worth having that conversation with them at some point.

YANBU but of course don't send that message.

@Bundeena has it right, they're still navigating early adulthood and social norms.

That said, not seeing two of them since the summer, one of them since Aug and one since Sept suggests there might be an underlying issue? It seems a long time for the ones in the UK to not bother to visit.

I've not seen my 20 yr old since he went back to Uni in Sept. Not that unusual I wouldn't have thought? In his very first term we went up to see him for his birthday, but since then we've not seen him from one end of term to the other. He is coming home for Xmas though.

Obviously understanding the impact of your actions on others is an important thing about being an adult... but surely another important thing is being able to recognize that when your children become adults they may well move away or prioritize their partner or their finances, and that they don't really owe you anything. Parents owe their kids a caring upbringing, kids owe nothing in return, but most good ones will give something back.

Also worth noting that most young "uni" people are enjoying being young and free for - say - ten years from leaving home to go to uni in their late teens... but may well settle down, move closer to home, want to come home more often once partnered up and with kids.

I am very surprised at the responses as knowing how much goes into Christmas, there is no way I would let my family down 3 days before.

Yes you may have raised independent children but the ones that have just dropped this on you, I wouldn’t be impressed that they think that’s acceptable

I definitely be sending a message of some sort

I understand it must be disappointing for you.

I think if you need to message anyone, it’s DS3 who is being unreasonable. I don’t see any reason he couldn’t have just spent xmas with you. But i’m not then sure you can use food as an excuse for you being disappointed.

I’d say the others have valid excuses. I very much remember being that young and skint and very nearly ending up by myself on xmas day because of awkward work shifts because of the nature of shift work.

I’d say leave it for now, and next year send all the kids a message saying you would like to know by a certain date so you can make your own plans. You could even go away :)

What's wrong with that message? Doesn't sounds pass agg to me at all. It's quite straightforward. And I don't understand why it's deemed "guilt tripping" to just make it plain to someone that they've done something shitty and it's had an impact on you. That's called communication.

OP, that sucks. Maybe they're not all aware what each other are doing and haven't realised that no one will be home. In any case I'd be pissed off too, mostly with the ones changing plans at such a late date. That's just inconsiderate.

I'm not saying the op shouldn't recognise them flying the next, growing up, having different priorities at all.

Her boys sound lovely and that's clearly down to their parenting. But being told 'OK, that's fine, see you soon - but please be aware the last minute change has resulted in wasted food & money and I'm a little hurt by the lack of consideration' (however it's phrased) isn't a bad thing and 20 somethings do need to be reminded of this. I would argue parents have a responsibility to point it out to them, however gently that's done.

But also yes to add, i’d also assume work shifts were arranged more than 3 days before xmas so they are also being unreasonable in this way if that’s the case

It’s great that they’re all independent and living their own lives but your sons should have given you more notice.

Presumably DS1 has known for some time that his girlfriend would be working/alone over Christmas.

And DS2 should have been more responsible with knowing where he was spending Xmas.

DS3 is not UR to want to earn money but needs to consider all his commitments next time so he doesn’t let you down again.

I wouldn’t be making a big meal for them for New Years. Just treat it like any other weekend.

DS3 told them last Friday, the other 2 dropped out this morning/last night

OP, this is like one of those things where everyone independently drops out thinking that the others won't. Resulting in a complete no-show.
I cannot believe your DC only realised they'd be going elsewhere on 22nd Dec. Decided that money was 'too good to pass up'. OR that the nurse GF Was working Christmas day.

Btw I have worked Christmas Day and have never stopped any of my boyfriends from going home. I won't be 'alone' on the day FFS because I'd be at work!

Honestly if I was the parent I'd be very disappointed. It's all very well to say 'stick it in the freezer; who wants to be eating all that for days or have their fridge space taken up.

They should at least be apologetic about it. Very very rude.

Btw neither I nor DH would have even dreamt of doing this to our parents. Or anybody for that matter.

Oh , I know right , DS3 (19 ) might be putting in some extra shifts because some of his work mates want to spend time with their little children . The selfish git , yeah ?

But put the boot in with some misadric shite when you don't know what's actually going on , because he's a bloke .