Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should maintain current contributions?

310 replies

Polewire · 22/12/2023 09:54

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

OP posts:
Needmoresleep89 · 22/12/2023 09:57

YANBU. Doesn’t mean he has to agree to it though

Tlolljs · 22/12/2023 09:58

Well you wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask in my mind, whether or not he will is another question.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 09:58

Morally he should because it should have been a consideration when having another child and considering his contribution to the family finances when dropping hours.

Legally he doesn’t have to so I wouldn’t rely on it unfortunately

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/12/2023 09:59

Sadly you're not being unreasonable but I'm not sure it'll work that way - though what does the calculator say?

ConflictedCheetah · 22/12/2023 10:00

Might leave his partner's salary out of the discussion and instead ask him how he's going to continue to financially support his other two children on reduced hours?

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 22/12/2023 10:00

Whilst I entirely understand how you're feeling, this is how it works.

The new partner cannot be expected to fund his previous DC, it comes from his wages.

If he was a decent man he would pay as much as he could, but him paying more could well mean not paying his share of his household bills, which is also not on.

I'm sorry, it's shit. It's just the way it works.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 22/12/2023 10:01

Maintenance doesn't take into account his partner's salary. So he can say no and there's not much you can do.

But is it worth checking that the new amount will be in line with what it should be based on CMS?

ConflictedCheetah · 22/12/2023 10:02

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 22/12/2023 10:00

Whilst I entirely understand how you're feeling, this is how it works.

The new partner cannot be expected to fund his previous DC, it comes from his wages.

If he was a decent man he would pay as much as he could, but him paying more could well mean not paying his share of his household bills, which is also not on.

I'm sorry, it's shit. It's just the way it works.

While this is true it is, as you, totally shit. It's a disgrace that he can decide to reduce his hours because his current household can afford it, but he doesn't have to consider the financial impact on previous children.

NerdyBird · 22/12/2023 10:06

His partner has no obligation to pay on his behalf so I wouldn't mention that, but pp suggestion of asking how he is going to maintain his contribution is good. If he's not working as much can he have the children more often? Do school runs for example?

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2023 10:07

I feel your pain but it's just another example of him being a good Dad to his new baby (staying home two days a week) and a shit Dad to yours (reducing his income knowing it will reduce his children's standard of living).

I don't think it will automatically go down by 2/5 though because he'll pay less tax and NI.

Floopani · 22/12/2023 10:08

Before we all jump on him, has he actually said he will reduce CM payments? This seems like speculation at the moment and he might have every intention of continuing.

He would be within his rights to reduce as per the current system and his new partner has no responsibility financially, so this would not be taken into account.

Also, are you doing everything you can to maximise your income too OP? You could also reasonably ask your ex to provide more childcare now he is reducing his hours.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

OP posts:
FloweryName · 22/12/2023 10:09

YANBU It is incredibly unfair the way NRPs are allowed to pay less just because they’ve had another child as if their first children suddenly deserve less. It is not the same as when a new baby is born into a together family where the household can absorb the costs.

The new wife’s income is irrelevant. The father should not be allowed to reduce his maintenance for any reason unless he gets ill and genuinely unable to earn more.

ReindeerRider · 22/12/2023 10:10

Morally it’s his family unit that should be taking the hit for him reducing his hours to be there for his child. So he should keep paying same maintenance to you and then if that leaves him less to contribute to his household so be it. That’s their decision and sacrifice to make having chosen to have a child and needing childcare (they’ve chosen to accept a reduced income form him to do this but could just as easily have chosen to pay nursery fees).

Sadly, it will be your household that is impacted as legally only his salary counts in maintenance calculations not hers. It’s a shit system and I’m afraid you’ll be seeing a drop in maintenance due to THEIR household decision (his watching their child is very likely their best and more financially sensible option). If he was a moral and kind man he’d consider BOTH sets of children and ensure both still provided for at same levels. But then if he was a moral and kind man you’d probably still be together. Sorry OP it sucks but I don’t think there is any way around it.

DoubleTime · 22/12/2023 10:11

I think you need to word your communications to him about this carefully. Outline the expenses for your children, and say you are worried that they may have to go without if his financial support decreases. But make sure the emphasis is on them, and them going without things and not on any comparison with his new family.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 10:13

This gives the game away. All about her and what she earns and has bought.

payments are his responsibility and based on his income along. Rightly. He has more time so could have the kids more, that’s not an unreasonable ask.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 10:14

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to maybe just ask. Like this is the level of disparity we’re talking. The same week I had to send the children to school with half of the basics, she goes and buys a Porsche jeep. I don’t want to say too much for fear of outing but I know for a fact that her salary is more than mine and my ex’s put together and she’s on course for more promotions etc. (I have a friend who works in a rival company to her so would know her and her band level). She treats DC well and they get everything paid by her and ex when they’re at their house but the disparity is shocking. I don’t want to seem like the crazy bitter ex but I can’t help but feel my DC are getting a bit hard done by.

I wouldn’t mention her salary as that’s legally nothing to do with your maintenance payments.

it’s about his financial choices

Birdcar · 22/12/2023 10:16

Her child is well funded because of her, not because of him. You can't expect her to also fund your children.

He should be doing everything he can to support all of his children but by the sounds of things he's not going to.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:18

To be honest I don’t want him having the children more. They feel displaced as it is being told to be quiet when the new baby is about.

OP posts:
FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 22/12/2023 10:20

Personally I'd be pushing for him to have more contact time with the children and use that time to up your own income. I have dc roughly half and half so no maintenance. I do claim child benefit though but I pay for termly activities / swimming lessons type stuff. I do have a 2nd job and a self employed sideline and I've started studying a postgrad qualification.

Also because he gets half the drudge work, homework and school uniforms I get to be the fun parent too. I always have Saturdays so we do fun stuff. When I had them all week I felt I was constantly moaning, brush your teeth, do your homework, clean your room. Then off they'd go and have a lovely time and come home (late) on Sunday and were a nightmare to get up Monday.

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 10:21

If you message him I wouldn't refer to his wife's salary. Instead I'd frame it as him making a choice to reduce his income will in turn reduce the automatic deduction for maintenance. Has he considered the impact this reduction (of ?£xx) will have on DC(6) and DC(5) and does he have a proposal for how to make up for that? You might want to make reference to specific things that will no longer be covered by the drop

(If he suggests having them 50/50 would you be up for that?)

Don't bring her into it - it won't help your argument, will get her hackles up and he will be defensive. I can understand why you're sad and angry about how he's changed his behaviour, it must be dealt hard to see. But you need to find a way of letting it go or it will eat you up.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 22/12/2023 10:21

I think you need to seek legal advice. A few weeks ago there was another similar thread and I’m sure there was a ‘something’ about reduced hours for childcare and cms , whereby actually then you can claim the equivalent of the childcare or something. I honestly can’t remember but absolutely get ALL the information before you say a word.

a good dad would just keep paying the full amount and I’m sorry if he plans to do otherwise.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:22

So I’ve checked the maintenance calculations and it would go down by about 20% I think. I honestly don’t know how I’ll get by. Meanwhile they’re having a massive wedding in a few months at over £100 a head!!!

OP posts:
Surprisenewtcatcher · 22/12/2023 10:22

I agree with PPs that you have to forget about her and concentrate on what he is doing. Can he take the children more often because he is home more? Can he keep child maintenance at the same level so the kids don't suffer? Ask, but focus on your joint responsibility for your joint kids.

Missjd87 · 22/12/2023 10:22

I feel like this might be the best way to approach it.