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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should maintain current contributions?

310 replies

Polewire · 22/12/2023 09:54

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

OP posts:
Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:23

RoomOfRequirement · 22/12/2023 11:21

CM payments should be like every other bill. You don't get free electricity if you become a lazy man child, you should have to continue to pay CM too. And there should be a minimum regardless of what you earn.

But that would help women so it would never happen.

What would be fair is if the standard for separated parents was 50/50 care, allowing both to make equal career advances.

therealcookiemonster · 22/12/2023 11:24

@Polewire it is understandable that you feel hurt and angry about how you were treated by your ex. but at this point, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.
just because you hate him, doesn't give you the right to stop the children from seeing their dad. in fact, in the long term, they will blame you for ruining their relationship with dad and therefore this might affect their relationship with you.

you need to let the past go (I know its hard, I am speaking from experience and I sympathise) for your own sake and the sake of the kids. let him have the kids for the 2 days he is off, this will more than make up for the 100 quid you would lose. then, you can up your hours or maybe even look into some further training. also start asking him to buy stuff in addition to maintenance eg. send him a list of school essentials etc.

in this situation, the kids are bearing the brunt of two adults failing to make it work. stop making this about how you feel and how much you hate this new woman and your ex, and make it about what's best for the kids. the kids end up emotionally scarred from your battles, you don't want that.

Finteq · 22/12/2023 11:25

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:55

I didn’t kick off. I was out a lot of money for the childrens school essentials and asked for some money for them. He said no to transferring money, only that he would buy stuff if they needed it but I was already out the money at that stage.

Show quote history

You need to increase contact time of your kids. And then work more.

If he doesn't want to give you extra cash it is the only other option.

Any blame for the reduction in maintenance lays at your ex's feet - he made the decision.

Finteq · 22/12/2023 11:27

Your kids are really young still- they still have a chance to spend good quality time with their dad.

If he's a better father now- they still have time to experience what it's like to have a good dad- don't rob them of this because you're bitter.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 11:31

This thread is a great example of how skewed an op can be. It’s done to gain support but then with a bit of questioning the whole story emerges and it’s very different

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 11:32

I would message and (politely) check he's planning to pay the same? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging how the maintenance supports the children Or suggest he pays less but funds some of the kid's expenses directly ie school dinners or childcare. I'd not mention wife/wage/lavish lifestyle. It seems like when you attack he retaliates and then you and the kids lose. Its lovely they enjoy time with him are you positive about their dad with them?

ClottedCreamScone · 22/12/2023 11:34

You should ask and morally he should agree but unfortunately I don’t think you have any recourse if he says no. Hopefully he won’t be a dick about it though.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 11:34

GuinnessBird · 22/12/2023 10:55

You're very bitter and I'm glad that your attempt to reduce contact backfired.

I was going to say the same thing - what a horrible way to behave.

Persephonegoddess · 22/12/2023 11:37

You are a perfect example of someone who cannot move forward. Your children are 50% his, legally he is entitled to have them 50% of the time and pay you nothing.
Your ex's new partner is nothing to do with you and you sound like you pour poison on your children.
Concentrate on being happy and adapt to less money by letting your children spend time with their father, ultimately they will resent you if you carry on being so bitter.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:39

Tlolljs · 22/12/2023 09:58

Well you wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask in my mind, whether or not he will is another question.

I agree. Sorry you're going through this.

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:41

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 11:31

This thread is a great example of how skewed an op can be. It’s done to gain support but then with a bit of questioning the whole story emerges and it’s very different

To be fair, OP’s not being unreasonable with her initial question, to ask that maintenance stays the same if he’s voluntarily reducing his income.

She’s being hugely unreasonable to withhold and minimise access, and to be so bitter about her ex and his new partner though. Mostly it’s unreasonable to her own children.

wronginalltherightways · 22/12/2023 11:41

It is 100% not unreasonable to point out how what he's doing will affect his children with you, and that he's being grossly unfair to them. Not only with proposing to decrease child maintenance, but by visibly showing them day in and day out that he really only cares about his new wife and baby. Because that IS what he's showing them.

Unfortunately, that's not how CM works formally, and as he sounds like a total dick, he won't care.

I'm sorry, OP.

pinkzxmas · 22/12/2023 11:42

I've read all your replies OP and it sounds like you are hung up on the new woman.
You are coming across bitter and jealous; understandable if your ex had an affair with her. However, you need to put it all aside and get over it - it hasn't freshly happened - it's 4 years - move on.
Your children are going to grow up and realise you was the one stopping / preventing / putting obstacles in the way of their dad and will resent you.

Your ex is a grown adult.
He can make his own adult decisions. If he has served you a court order to see the children - then he obviously wants to see them.
You need to accept that the children are not solely yours.

You know your ex as a person from 4 years ago. People change. You don't know him now - the court order / reducing payments is his right as a parent.
Imagine you was the NRP would you be happy with paying more when you have less income? No you wouldn't.
Would you be happy with weekend contact? Bet you wouldn't.

He is entitled to reduce his hours / days at work. This in turn means his cms contributions will go down. (Same if you was the NRP)
Her working / money is nothing to do with your children at all. Their wedding / lifestyle isn't anything to do with you either.
Good on her for succeeding in her career!

Offer him to have the children on his days when he's at home with the new baby if you're concerned about the disparity between the homes - then they get more time with their dad & the use of the things at his house. Offer 50/50 - you probably won't because you like the control.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:42

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 10:13

This gives the game away. All about her and what she earns and has bought.

payments are his responsibility and based on his income along. Rightly. He has more time so could have the kids more, that’s not an unreasonable ask.

Op is allowed to be upset and jealous about this. I would be too- why does this mean other woman get her man, nice stuff, and indirectly cause op's money to be reduced. But op I think you shouldn't mention any of that in your message to the father as it will derail

Katypp · 22/12/2023 11:44

This is such an interesting thread and really well illustrates what I have said many times on MN.
The default setting is always the bloke is wrong and the woman the brave victim soldiering on in the face of his awfulness.
When the reality - as is so well demonstrated here - is not always immediately apparent.
No he should not reduce maintenence but as this is clearly an ongoing feud, I can see why he might as revenge for have to go to court to see his own children. Not right, but there are many instances of mum preventing her ex seeing his kids as revenge for losing money, so there you go.
OP, out of interest. Do you think up excuses why contact can't take place as planned and convince yourself it's in the child's interest? And have you put the idea into their heads that they feel pushed out by the new baby? Have you 'warned' them they might have to go without things they like because daddy won't pay as much because if the new baby? I bet you have. Textbook PAS

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:45

Birdcar · 22/12/2023 10:16

Her child is well funded because of her, not because of him. You can't expect her to also fund your children.

He should be doing everything he can to support all of his children but by the sounds of things he's not going to.

But the ow is able to maintain her good career and reduce childcare bills by having a house husband to do childcare. The house husband work is also important (if he does it properly) and the father is making a choice to do this which means he wil be financially less able to support his older kids- you'd think they would have some sort of arrangement in place

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 11:46

I'm a single mum too OP and I'm sorry but you're both unreasonable. Morally your ex should keep the same level of payments, legally he doesn't have to. The fact he had to fight to get them every other weekend speaks volumes - he sounds like an ass but you sound very angry and bitter still and you'll be projecting your thoughts about him onto your children whether you realise it or not. Parental alienation is a thing and no matter what your ex has done, your children deserve to have a relationship with their father.

Have you considered having counselling so you can move forward? What do you do on the nights he has them, do you have friends you can spend time with, a hobby you can do? I would strongly suggest finding something to do in your spare time so you can start moving on from this situation and enjoying yourself when you don't have the children.

I know in these circumstances it's really hard to be upbeat about your children's ex in front of them. My ex has £100k in the bank after I bought him out of the family home and yet he has paid a grand total of £40 this month in maintenance. You cannot let your opinion about money and contact arrangements filter down to your children.

Wolfpa · 22/12/2023 11:47

I think your feelings are clouding your judgement here making you bitter and twisted. Keep this up and you are going to have a miserable life. Find a way to let some of this anger go

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 11:48

@Polewire i get what you are saying but it’s not his new wife’s job to provide for your children.

why Are you so invested in what she earns what she drives etc ?

He is the problem , it’s horrible what happened to you and life’s not fair. When you get to the level of not caring what they do you will be so much happier.

im not digging you out I was in the same boat a long time ago x

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 11:49

Sorry I’ve just read some more of your posts , in the nicest possible way get some therapy x

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 22/12/2023 11:51

You're weaponising your children and as they get older this won't be lost on them. Your husband has a right to a happy future with ALL of his children. You also have a right to a happy future and I think you should seek therapy to part ways with your anger, as the only person who will lose here is you.
If your husband is paying less because he has more time, which is right by CMS, then he can spend more time with them. Don't be 'that' ex-wife.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:52

@Polewire if he's said yes to buying them more stuff if they need it, this might be the angle to go down.
Would he agree to fund eg all swimming lessons, all new trainers and school shoes and coats? This might more than make up for the money lost if you already know you're paying for them, he'll be more likely to agree to it as he'll know it's going to dc and not on your Botox and nights out like many exes seem to think it does. It also creates a chore for him to do to free up more time for you to have fun with your dc?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/12/2023 11:53

It's none of your business what she earns / drives / buys in the way of new cars / wedding costs etc.

What is of your concern is your maintenance from HIM and only him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:54

cadburyegg · 22/12/2023 11:46

I'm a single mum too OP and I'm sorry but you're both unreasonable. Morally your ex should keep the same level of payments, legally he doesn't have to. The fact he had to fight to get them every other weekend speaks volumes - he sounds like an ass but you sound very angry and bitter still and you'll be projecting your thoughts about him onto your children whether you realise it or not. Parental alienation is a thing and no matter what your ex has done, your children deserve to have a relationship with their father.

Have you considered having counselling so you can move forward? What do you do on the nights he has them, do you have friends you can spend time with, a hobby you can do? I would strongly suggest finding something to do in your spare time so you can start moving on from this situation and enjoying yourself when you don't have the children.

I know in these circumstances it's really hard to be upbeat about your children's ex in front of them. My ex has £100k in the bank after I bought him out of the family home and yet he has paid a grand total of £40 this month in maintenance. You cannot let your opinion about money and contact arrangements filter down to your children.

Your ex is disgusting

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 11:55

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 11:49

Sorry I’ve just read some more of your posts , in the nicest possible way get some therapy x

I agree this really helped me process my break up while pregnant