Page 3 | To think he should maintain current contributions?

Polewire · 2023-12-22T09:54:41+00:00

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different. my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home. i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us. anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours. as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/12/2023 10:47

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:34

She’s a control freak so the maintenance will definitely go down if he reduces his hours.

You are clearly bitter and angry. We get that. However you really need to focus your attention and anger at him - your likely-cheating ex - not her. This fixation with what they have/what they do, etc can’t be good for your health long term! You can’t change the situation so you need to make the best of it - for your kids sakes.

CJsGoldfish · 22/12/2023 10:48

I think this is becoming a bit clearer now op
Yep. Crystal 🙄

GonnaNeedABiggerBag · 22/12/2023 10:53

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:41

Because I know my ex and there’s no way this is him. I know where they are getting married and it’s known for how expensive it is.

Show quote history

Thing is OP, you don’t. Not anymore. People change - as he clearly has (by being a more hands on Dad with his baby). It’s sad but you need to accept you no longer know the current / new him.

Others have set out good plans of action and approach. Leave his soon to be wife out of it and ask him his plans for maintaining the current levels of maintenance. Simple as that.

TempyBrennan · 22/12/2023 10:53

It really is shit but you’re way too focused on her.
this is nothing to do with her and is all him and his choices.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 10:54

Because I know my ex and there’s no way this is him.

I thought that once. Only when my ex got with a new partner did he start playing silly buggers with maintenance and contact with the girls.

He’s now done the same to her. And another woman. And if local gossip is to be believed is due another child, his 8th, with another woman (the 4th).

It was him all along. He just hid it well until he had enough support around him to show it.

She couldn’t make him cut maintenance to his children if he didn’t agree to it. It’s his choice.

Original poster

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:55

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 10:45

So he didn’t reduce his payments until you kicked off about something. Was it about how much his wife was earning? Or was it that he wanted his kids more than you thought was acceptable?

Show quote history

I didn’t kick off. I was out a lot of money for the childrens school essentials and asked for some money for them. He said no to transferring money, only that he would buy stuff if they needed it but I was already out the money at that stage.

OP posts:

GuinnessBird · 22/12/2023 10:55

You're very bitter and I'm glad that your attempt to reduce contact backfired.

Sausage1989 · 22/12/2023 11:02

GuinnessBird · 22/12/2023 10:55

You're very bitter and I'm glad that your attempt to reduce contact backfired.

Yep I was thinking the same thing!!

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:02

You sound jealous and bitter. Your partner’s ex doesn’t have to fund your household. Sounds like the children would have a more equitable and nicer existence if you went to 50/50, but you don’t want to lose the money or control over the children.

Yes it’s unfair that their household has more money. Life is unfair OP.

Grumpsy · 22/12/2023 11:06

Initially I voted YANBU - then I read the thread and changed my vote.

TeaKitten · 22/12/2023 11:08

You are doing your children a huge disservice here, they deserve more contact with their dad! Being bitter about him being a better dad after leaving you is stupid, they don’t even remember what he was like when he lived with you. And you don’t no that she’s a control freak because you’ve not spoken to him in 4 years. You are the nightmare ex now stopping him seeing his kids more. Ask for the money to stay the same but I’d expect a no. It’s been 4 years it’s time to start coparenting properly and see if contact can increase, the kids will feel less displaced if they are at his home more often.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 11:08

Grumpsy · 22/12/2023 11:06

Initially I voted YANBU - then I read the thread and changed my vote.

I would imagine a lot of the “he’s awful”
posters will be reading the thread and changing their minds too…

Sausage1989 · 22/12/2023 11:09

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:02

You sound jealous and bitter. Your partner’s ex doesn’t have to fund your household. Sounds like the children would have a more equitable and nicer existence if you went to 50/50, but you don’t want to lose the money or control over the children.

Yes it’s unfair that their household has more money. Life is unfair OP.

1000% this. They'd be much better off 50/50 but the OP wants all the power and doesn't want to loose the money! It's not the responsibility of the new wife to fund your lifestyle. So cheeky. I don't know how you could even have the brass neck to try to get money off her.. I'd feel like such a sciv!

WowOK · 22/12/2023 11:09

You are putting it on her. He is mortally corrupt. He chose to have another baby and then reduced maintenance. He is choosing to work less and will again reduce maintenance. He doesn't want to give you money and is prepared to fuck over his own kids to give you the middle finger.

Honestly, I'd say nothing and smile. Legally you can't do anything. He likes to feel he fucked you over and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I'd smile because he's fucking up his career. I'd smile because he isn't making pension contributions and fucking his future income. I'd smile because he's going to have to ask her for money. I'd smile because being a SAHP is often shit. I don't like it when people, usually women, fall into this trap but I'll make an exception for him because most people do it out of love and make a sacrifice. He's doing it out of spite. He's not paying you a few hundred pound a month but in the long run it will cost him more.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 11:10

WowOK · 22/12/2023 11:09

You are putting it on her. He is mortally corrupt. He chose to have another baby and then reduced maintenance. He is choosing to work less and will again reduce maintenance. He doesn't want to give you money and is prepared to fuck over his own kids to give you the middle finger.

Honestly, I'd say nothing and smile. Legally you can't do anything. He likes to feel he fucked you over and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I'd smile because he's fucking up his career. I'd smile because he isn't making pension contributions and fucking his future income. I'd smile because he's going to have to ask her for money. I'd smile because being a SAHP is often shit. I don't like it when people, usually women, fall into this trap but I'll make an exception for him because most people do it out of love and make a sacrifice. He's doing it out of spite. He's not paying you a few hundred pound a month but in the long run it will cost him more.

Have you actually read the thread?..

Readyforrespite · 22/12/2023 11:11

With regards to finances I don't think you are being unreasonable. When a household makes a decision that they can afford to reduce hours they should factor in existing commitments like their existing DC, although legally this is not how it works. But in regard to contact you are being unreasonable. You should be supporting a relationship with their Dad and shouldn't be projecting your adult issues onto your children.

Sdpbody · 22/12/2023 11:15

I'm so sorry!! This is shit and the system is shit and men can get away with being shit. You deserve more.

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:15

WowOK · 22/12/2023 11:09

You are putting it on her. He is mortally corrupt. He chose to have another baby and then reduced maintenance. He is choosing to work less and will again reduce maintenance. He doesn't want to give you money and is prepared to fuck over his own kids to give you the middle finger.

Honestly, I'd say nothing and smile. Legally you can't do anything. He likes to feel he fucked you over and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I'd smile because he's fucking up his career. I'd smile because he isn't making pension contributions and fucking his future income. I'd smile because he's going to have to ask her for money. I'd smile because being a SAHP is often shit. I don't like it when people, usually women, fall into this trap but I'll make an exception for him because most people do it out of love and make a sacrifice. He's doing it out of spite. He's not paying you a few hundred pound a month but in the long run it will cost him more.

He’s getting married so will have access to his new wife’s funds/pensions if they divorce.
Many families with a high-earner choose to have a SAHP. You don’t know if the new partner is thrilled to be going back to work or if she’d rather stay at home but can’t because they have collective responsibility to three children.
He wants to have all his children more; OP is preventing this.

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/12/2023 11:17

Surely a 50/50 arrangement is now due ?

He reduces his payment but ups the time they are with him? He can now do 50% of everything child related.

Grumpsy · 22/12/2023 11:17

OP let your children have more contact with their dad, or you run the risk of building up long term resentment. My DHs mum was (and still is) bitter about his dad growing up, he’s now in his 30s and is had a lasting effect on their relationship.

Finteq · 22/12/2023 11:17

Birdcar · 22/12/2023 10:16

Her child is well funded because of her, not because of him. You can't expect her to also fund your children.

He should be doing everything he can to support all of his children but by the sounds of things he's not going to.

But he's supporting her earning by staying at home- it's saving their household childcare fees- and boosting her earning potential but costing op maintenance.

If he was any decent sort of bloke he should have thought it through and the impact on his kids. He should should have said something like- my working less will decrease the amount I can give to my other children- how can we sort this out?

He should have discussed this with his current partner, - we save £1000 every month but that will mean the maintenance I can afford to give will reduce by £300- what can we do about this- and come to a decision that wouldn't penalise his previous kids.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 11:18

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/12/2023 11:17

Surely a 50/50 arrangement is now due ?

He reduces his payment but ups the time they are with him? He can now do 50% of everything child related.

Op has already tried to cut his time and the poor bloke had to go to court to get it back up. She’s hung up on money so I really don’t think she’d consider a solution where he saw more of his kids and she got less money

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:21

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/12/2023 11:17

Surely a 50/50 arrangement is now due ?

He reduces his payment but ups the time they are with him? He can now do 50% of everything child related.

She won’t allow it because she sees the children as hers, not shared. She’s already been to court to try to stop overnights.

Is it any wonder the children aren’t happy at their dad’s when they barely see him and are probably fed poison about him and his ex all the time?

RoomOfRequirement · 22/12/2023 11:21

CM payments should be like every other bill. You don't get free electricity if you become a lazy man child, you should have to continue to pay CM too. And there should be a minimum regardless of what you earn.

But that would help women so it would never happen.

HMW1906 · 22/12/2023 11:22

Also just changed my vote to YABU after reading the thread. This seems to be more about the jealousy of the nice life your ex now has and the nice time your DC now have whilst visiting his new family rather than wanting to be equitable. As other OP have said I think your Ex should be going for 50/50.