To think he should maintain current contributions?

[Polewire]

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

Her man - people aren’t property 🙄

Sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds unbelievably hard and I understand how impactful his behavior has been to all of you.

I'm a child of this situation, younger wife, replaced family, playing the system to reduce the maintenance as much as possible, living the high life while the old children suffer (my sister's were taken to Disneyland up to three times a year and we could barely afford a camping trip once a year). I felt really upset for you reading this.

I did vote YABU because legally he's allowed to do what he's doing, however really it's a moral dilemma for him. It's definitely worth a well worded conversation. Unfortunately some dads do replace their old family and prefer the new, that's my experience even now in my mid 30s and it's very painful.

I hope you manage to come to a compromise of sorts. All the best to you and your children, you're doing a great job and I know how hard you're trying.

I can’t deny that I do feel some element of bitter feeling. They’re getting married soon and he wouldn’t marry me yet he done a big fancy proposal for her after a year and they planned a wedding straight away. I’m more upset for my children to be honest. He wouldn’t do anything with us and if he did, it was an argument yet he’s all over social media posing with her and the child taking them to see Santa. My children come back from his house feeling lousy because he spends all his time with the baby. I understand a baby has more needs but surely she could just take him when my children are there so they actually get some time with their dad? I just think it’s exceptionally unfair that they can live the high life and contribute so little to my children. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. The children don’t want more contact with him. My childcare arrangements aren’t costing me anything so it would be of no benefit him having them more anyway.

I was paying £650 whilst I had mine 45% of the time. Then my son goes to uni and my daughter has lived with me 80% of the time and my ex stopped working and moved her multimillionaire partner in. I know I will not get a penny so don’t even ask. Life is just shit sometimes and I feel your pain.

Can’t you see how if you let the children spend more time with their dad, they’d have more of a chance to do these fun activities? Why should his new partner have to schedule fun things for one day a fortnight just because you withhold access?

OP you say your children don’t want more time with their dad. Why, given you say it’s a happy home in the OP? It’s because they feel loyalty bonds to you.

And the fact he didn’t reduce it until she had an argument about money

It's a very hard situation emotionally for you OP but I think you need to separate out the finances from your feelings. You need to outline all the things your kids will miss out on or that you'll struggle to buy if he lowers his contribution to them. If he's willing to buy things for them then send him a list of what uniform etc needs replacing. But you'll need to decide if it's worth your mental energy. As he will be under no obligation to comply.

I hope you can try make time to try and enjoy life yourself, you deserve it, he isn't anything special I get why your angry but you can do so much better than wasting time being bitter over someone so average.

The benefit would be the father and children building a bond for life and having a normal relationship, which currently you are preventing from developing. They are his children do you understand that? They are his just as much as they are yours. It is not for you to judge how much contact he should be allowed.

you should adjust the schedule to 50/50 as the first step. The second step would be to develop a long term career plan that will take you to a place where you can afford to buy luxuries for your children and not feel bitter about other women earning more.

no sympathy from me, sorry.

I don’t think she would want them there 50/50 anyway to be honest. It wouldn’t fit in with the picture perfect life. I think she’s happy with the current arrangements because he hasn’t put up any fight since every other week was agreed.

I think you're going to regret all this bitterness you feel.

If I was in the new girlfriends shoes I wouldn't give a penny of my money towards your maintenance based on what you're saying about her.

You don't like her and that's fine but don't expect her to then contribute towards your maintenance which is what she will be doing if your ex reduces his hours..

He had to fight to get that!

Because they had to go to court for that, which is very stressful and expensive! They probably don’t want to rock the boat more with you. Offer it, and I’m sure they’d snap you hands off.

It is a hard situation OP and I do feel for you.

Ultimately though I think the best thing you can do for our own mental health and for your children is to try and let all of this anger go. The reality of the situation is that he is entitled to reduce his hours, and his pay, and that does mean he will be able to pay less via CMS to your shared children. You can ask for him to keep up the current contributions, but considering he’s the kind of person who previously reduced payments (due to telling CMS about his baby) as a reaction to an argument with you about money, he isn’t going to say yes. Or if you catch him on a good day, he might say yes, but you’re then going to pussy footing around and waiting for the day you argue again and he then says no.

You need to accept that he has met somebody else, he’s moved on, and it’s pointless you winding yourself up about what she earns, how much their wedding costs, what car she’s bought because that is HER money, HER life. Her income and salary has nothing to do with your children or you, and so dwelling on that and winding yourself up over it isn’t helpful.

The sooner you can put that anger behind you the happier you will be, there’s a lot of power to be found in accepting that there are some things you can’t change. X

OP, in the kindest way, you are coming across as quite resentful and bitter towards your ex and his new partner. Lots of assumptions and comparisons between your relationships. I know it is difficult when you see an ex act the way you’d have liked, with someone else, but it is not a reflection on you that he feels differently towards his new partner. Try to stop making these comparisons and harbouring this jealousy. Perhaps talk to someone about your emotions and focus on your children. If they say it is a happy home, let them spend more time there and don’t speak so negatively about their other family to them - it is bound to impact them. They probably feel completely torn in this situation and i feel very sorry for them. I hope you can resolve your own issues and create a less toxic environment for all.

Stop making it about her!

Eh? He took you to court to get the current arrangements as you were blocking contact.

Honestly you aren't coming across very well here.

OK, but there is a middle ground between 50/50 and EOW - 2 nights EOW is more like 85/15.

My ex has our children 3 nights EOW and I think he should spend more time with them, not less. IMO EOW is the bare minimum. Think about how long the school holidays felt when we were children - to go nearly 2 weeks without seeing a parent is a long time for a child, even though it's not much to us. What about 1 night during the week too?

There was a very similar thread to this a while ago OP but I believe from the other perspective…but like many other posters have said… the new girlfriend could be a multi millionaire and it would have no bearing on your maintenance.

Having said that, i wanted to say i know exactly how you feel.
To watch a man become for a new baby the man you begged him to be for your children for years, is devastating.
The best thing you can do those is make peace with it, just because they have all these nice things, and an expensive wedding, doesn’t really mean a lot.

Chances are, he will leave her high and dry the way he did you…leopards never change their spots!

When I briefly worked for CMS I worked on a case where the NRP gave up work completely. He took on all school runs and after school care for his partner’s children and started a hobby business.

I've watched some live family court streams on YouTube. It's fascinating to learn about the men who try to 'voluntarily donate' their services to their employer so they can avoid paying CMS in parts of the USA. (The tax position round this is very odd but apparently it's a well known strategy in some states.)

Has your ex said that he won't continue to pay? Surely he considered this when he agreed to reduce his hours?

Think very carefully before you open your mouth - If you rock the boat he could take you back to court for 50/50 access, then he wouldn't have to pay you anything. He'd have good grounds to have them 50/50 if he's working part time and able to do school runs and after school care.

That's awful. Wishing him bad karma and a lottery win for you.

This is just another way men get to opt out of parental duties.

He is their father. I know it must really hurt but if you don't work through your anger about this it will eat you up and impact your relationship with the kids.
Do you want your children to be posting on here in 20 years time about how stressed they are that their parents can't be in the same room for their wedding? Or to welcome their firstborn child?

Did you ask your children if they wanted to see daddy more? While looking sad and making it clear that that was not what you wanted.
Did you tell them it was their choice but you would protect them if he got angry with their decision?
Did you tell them that daddy probably hasn't got as much time for them now he has a new baby?
I'm projecting now, but classic PAS