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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should maintain current contributions?

310 replies

Polewire · 22/12/2023 09:54

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:24

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2023 10:21

If you message him I wouldn't refer to his wife's salary. Instead I'd frame it as him making a choice to reduce his income will in turn reduce the automatic deduction for maintenance. Has he considered the impact this reduction (of ?£xx) will have on DC(6) and DC(5) and does he have a proposal for how to make up for that? You might want to make reference to specific things that will no longer be covered by the drop

(If he suggests having them 50/50 would you be up for that?)

Don't bring her into it - it won't help your argument, will get her hackles up and he will be defensive. I can understand why you're sad and angry about how he's changed his behaviour, it must be dealt hard to see. But you need to find a way of letting it go or it will eat you up.

I don’t want him to have any more contact with them. I hate the fact he even has them every other weekend. It used to be every Saturday and then I reduced it to every other Saturday and he served a court order for sleepovers every other weekend.

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 10:26

All children feel displaced when a new sibling arrives.

My genuine advice ... find a wealthy supportive new man. Plenty out there.

PuttingDownRoots · 22/12/2023 10:28

Did he reduce the payment when new baby was born?

I don't know how a man can be described as a decent father when he's happy for their mother to struggle to feed them etc.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:30

PuttingDownRoots · 22/12/2023 10:28

Did he reduce the payment when new baby was born?

I don't know how a man can be described as a decent father when he's happy for their mother to struggle to feed them etc.

He didn’t initially. He didn’t tell child maintenance about the baby but we had a row and he did then. Although I honestly think it’s her who I be talking to when we message, I don’t think it’s him.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 22/12/2023 10:31

You hate the fact he has them every other weekend? And actively don’t want him to have them more? Even if that would potentially benefit them/facilitate bonding with new sibling, etc? Careful op, your bitterness is showing through and it sounds like it’s impacting on your children here. As others have said, you need to take the new partner out of the equation - if she buys a new car with her money/salary it’s not your business, you know that. Your kids are between you and your ex. You need to pay less attention to what they have, comparison really is the thief of joy here. Sorry to sound harsh op, it must be so hard, but getting bitter and angry will only hurt your kids long term.

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 10:31

I think the options are (or should be):

  • either he maintains the payments at the current level, because regardless of his new circumstances the children require the same level of support
  • or he has the children more when he's dropped his work hours, which means less childcare expense and more opportunity for you to increase your hours. If you were all living together and had never broken up, this is what you'd do in all likelihood, and it means they're being fully supported by both parents.

He's changing the balance of things without any input from you, which is frustrating. Unfortunately for you there is no way of preventing him doing this, so for the sake of the children the best must be made of the situation.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2023 10:32

You might not like it but it may be a good thing if he has them more - it would reduce the amount you have to spend on food, you could pick up more hours at work?

It's SHIT, HE'S shit Flowers but he may not pay more so you need a plan

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:32

First you really have to stop focusing on things she is paying for or funding. It makes you sound like the crazy jealous ex. So what if she has bought herself a nice car from her money. It is really none of your business how much the wedding is costing. It may be that her parents are helping fund this anyway as she is only 28 and possibly her first wedding.

Others have said approach it from the basis as to how he will adequately support his older 2 kids. Has he even said he is reducing maintenance? If not, why even raise it until he makes noises in that direction.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:34

She’s a control freak so the maintenance will definitely go down if he reduces his hours.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 10:34

ConflictedCheetah · 22/12/2023 10:02

While this is true it is, as you, totally shit. It's a disgrace that he can decide to reduce his hours because his current household can afford it, but he doesn't have to consider the financial impact on previous children.

Show quote history

When I briefly worked for CMS I worked on a case where the NRP gave up work completely. He took on all school runs and after school care for his partner’s children and started a hobby business.

Not only did he stop paying anything to his children, but he stopped doing the school run half the time because he no longer had time so his ex had to book them into before school childcare costing her money.

There was nothing that could be done, legally, to change it.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:34

Flickersy · 22/12/2023 10:31

I think the options are (or should be):

  • either he maintains the payments at the current level, because regardless of his new circumstances the children require the same level of support
  • or he has the children more when he's dropped his work hours, which means less childcare expense and more opportunity for you to increase your hours. If you were all living together and had never broken up, this is what you'd do in all likelihood, and it means they're being fully supported by both parents.

He's changing the balance of things without any input from you, which is frustrating. Unfortunately for you there is no way of preventing him doing this, so for the sake of the children the best must be made of the situation.

Edited

Legally if he has new children in a new family set up and was paying the CMS rate the rate would reduce because he has a new child. So they aren't options unless he agrees. OP hasn't answered whether he has even said he IS reducing payments yet.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:35

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:34

She’s a control freak so the maintenance will definitely go down if he reduces his hours.

OK so now we see that it is more the case you just don't like her...

itsgettingweird · 22/12/2023 10:36

ConflictedCheetah · 22/12/2023 10:00

Might leave his partner's salary out of the discussion and instead ask him how he's going to continue to financially support his other two children on reduced hours?

I agree with this.

If you start saying x y and z you give him something to argue.

The only answers this leaves him with is I'm planning to be a shite and reduce it or it's staying the same.

There's a chance he won't want to admit a. But legally he can so it's worth a risk to ask.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/12/2023 10:36

If things are fraught between you then it’s highly likely you’ll be getting the lesser amount and there isn’t anything that can be done about that (unless he’s got significant savings or unearned income).

Warwickshireisnice · 22/12/2023 10:38

I feel for you OP how bloody frustrating 😕

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/12/2023 10:39

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:35

OK so now we see that it is more the case you just don't like her...

Show quote history

How do you know she is a "control freak" OP? and how do you know how much their wedding is costing per head? 🤔

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 10:40

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:34

She’s a control freak so the maintenance will definitely go down if he reduces his hours.

She's not the problem.

Codlingmoths · 22/12/2023 10:41

It’s just a sign of being a shitty human being to choose to reduce your hours knowing your child in your second family is taken care of, and feeling like there are no consequences to paying less for your older children.

Original poster
Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:41

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/12/2023 10:39

How do you know she is a "control freak" OP? and how do you know how much their wedding is costing per head? 🤔

Show quote history

Because I know my ex and there’s no way this is him. I know where they are getting married and it’s known for how expensive it is.

OP posts:
Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 10:41

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:24

I don’t want him to have any more contact with them. I hate the fact he even has them every other weekend. It used to be every Saturday and then I reduced it to every other Saturday and he served a court order for sleepovers every other weekend.

Show quote history

Wow ok. You stopped him seeing his kids as much and he had to take you to court to get it

now you’re worried you’ll lose some money, but don’t want him to have them any more than he does now.

I think this is becoming a bit clearer now op

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 10:42

you need to let it go and him.

He's shown you who he is.

Riverlee · 22/12/2023 10:42

There’s been similar posts from new wives on mn before, whereby the ex has asked for an increase due to her pay increase, inheritance, lottery win etc. The advice is always that she shouldn’t be expected to fund dp’s children, ex wife etc.

Although I do think it’s awful that maintenance will go down.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 10:45

Polewire · 22/12/2023 10:30

He didn’t initially. He didn’t tell child maintenance about the baby but we had a row and he did then. Although I honestly think it’s her who I be talking to when we message, I don’t think it’s him.

Show quote history

So he didn’t reduce his payments until you kicked off about something. Was it about how much his wife was earning? Or was it that he wanted his kids more than you thought was acceptable?

PuttingDownRoots · 22/12/2023 10:47

Suggest he has them after school on his non working days as he will be available for childcare.

Brainworm · 22/12/2023 10:47

Can yo explain to him (lay out for him) the cost of raising you children and check out with him whether he thinks he should pay 50% of this. If he accepts this premise and is willing to commit to it, how he raises the money is his business.

If I was his fiancé, I would be doing what I could to protect my money so I could remain/be financially independent if/when he left me for the next girlfriend. I wouldn't be willing to fund his other children, but I would be willing to give him some of my salary to compensate his loss of earning to care for our child (that otherwise would reflect my contribution to pay for childcare)- but that is by the by.

OP, increasing the amount of time your children spend with their dad is likely to reduce feelings of being 'pushed out' even if they are asked to be quiet when the baby is sleeping. If the baby was your and your ex's third child, this would also be the case. As you say, it's hard for you and your children to see him being a good father and partner now, but if he is willing and able to offer this to your children in his new set up, surely that is in their best interest?

I recognise that this would be a huge sacrifice. Him being able to give them what you had planned to provide together, but excluding you and including a new partner and baby would be (or is) likely to be upsetting in so many ways. But, limiting the children's access to his dad and their new sibling's family life, if that would be positive for them, isn't best for them.

It might feel irrelevant now, but you need to plan for your long term financial future. You need to maximise your income and income potential and build your pension. I would look to work as much time as possible and tap into free childcare from your ex!