To think he should maintain current contributions?

[Polewire]

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

You can't do that and courts can take a child/ren off you and give him custody.

They aren't your possessions. They have a right to see him too.

I say this as someone who has to suffer their X for my eldest's sake.

Chill. He ain't worth it.

My children are happy enough not seeing him more. Infact if they had their way they wouldn’t care if they never saw him again! They don’t see the baby as their sibling the way that they see each other.

Kiddies that age don't get these feelings from nowhere.

Since he had to go to court to see them more than you were allowing, then it looks like it's all coming from you.

And since he did bother to go through the courts, how does that match with him favouring the new baby? He obviously favours his older children enough to want to see more of them.

Don't be surprised if he now goes for increased access.

He won’t go for increase access. She wouldn’t want that or allow it. I think she’s happy enough with the way things are to be honest because they’ve backed down so much since the baby. The only person suffering from it all really is my ex and he maybe should’ve thought about that before he left our family for her.

I would put good money on it that kids will have picked up that mummy 'gets upset' when you are positive about their dad/new wife . Kids tend to pick up on this stuff and in order to keep things stable with resident parent, they tend reject NRP. At the end of the day, they depend on you for their every day needs to survive, so they are going to reject their dad if they pick up that you might reject them if they embrace him and NW.... Very rarely do kids reject a parent who loves them and wants them without manipulation- subtle or otherwise. This is a form of abuse btw. You're messing with their heads- it's their dad. Kids aren't an extension of you, they are blend of you and him. You're the one damaging and messing them up because of your ego. It didn't work about between you and him. Life sucks. But you don't do this to your children.

A lot of this is just what you have imagined. You do not know he favours new baby. You sound like you have to much time to stew over this stuff.

Just because he does things he wouldn't do with you before, doesn't mean he loves his kids less...people evolve.. and perhaps it's very important to his new wife. Your feelings about the past are not her fault. She can't dim herself down just so it doesn't offend your fragile ego. You need to stop paying attention to what they are doing when you're not there and get some self respect and stop clinging to the past. You're embarrassing yourself and putting your hatred of dad and his partner above what is genuinely in the best interest of your kids.

He left YOU. YOU.

You're upset that you want that life. But you have never earned what she can earn, and he did not ever love you like he loves her. So it was never your life. Of course it would be nice if he was a better father who cared more how the kid felt, but he is who he is and you can't fix him now. You really need to get your head around accepting the inevitable shitty bits of the story to move forward sensibly instead of letting jealousy cloud your judgement.

Your options right now are to ask him to care for the kids more to take account of the income drop so you can work, or to get more childcare and work more to make it up. That's it. There are not special extra options if you just think it over a bit harder and get special advice. The kids now are 10 and 9? Not much more for childcare costs, so it's time to forge your own career if you want a better material life for the 3 of you. You might just find a lot more joy along the way, and I hope you do. Good luck.

He has 2 days off right - childcare for you? More work for you ergo more money?

and...next year it may be all 3 of his children wearing Christmas pj's, as at some point he will request Christmas with his children.

Stop tormenting yourself and fuelling your hatred toward him / and her and stop looking at their social media.

Make a life of your own, jealousy is not an attractive trait and any new boyfriend may run a mile when he realises how bitter you are - unless of course he buys you a new jeep or whatever car it is that the current wife has bought herself.

I’m not sure how you’ve come to that conclusion. They sound like two people happy together, building their lives. You’re the one sat watching them live their lives, and giving them thought when it’s highly unlikely they’re considering you at all. You’re hurting yourself.

I feel sorry for the kids. By all accounts, ex and his dp provide a loving welcoming home for them. Yes, things are a little different for them at the moment with the new baby.

However, op clearly resents this and the children will pick up on this. Kids probably only tell op what she wants to hear.

Doesn’t sound like he’s suffering at all tbh. He’s happy, in love, she’s providing a great lifestyle for them, they have a lovely new baby, he got the access he wanted. He’s reducing his hours for a better work life balance.

You are suffering but you can do things to reduce it and try to get what will make you happy. Carry on as you are and your children will also suffer a lot too and potentially develop lasting issues which will hurt them and their future relationships for decades.

You should try loving them more than you hate your ex. Trying to punish him will inevitably hurt them. Don’t be that person.

If you're not careful op he will be taking you to court and accusing you of parental alienation next, because this is where it's heading.
You need to move on and realise unfortunately that isn't your life but it is your children's and you need to be a decent parent and let them see their dad and sibling

@Polewire it's clear to me that you are not ready to hear any advice that contradicts your viewpoint. the more advice you are given, the more you dig your heels in. you need therapy and proper help, not strangers on the Internet.

and also please don't assume that no one here has experienced what you have been through, or worse. I come from a home where my parents used me and my siblings as weapons and it has scarred all of us. my mum was very badly treated by my father, but she let that grief turn into poison and channeled it through us. I read threads almost everyday on here of women being betrayed by their partners in ways far far worse than what you have described. yet they manage to still facilitate a healthy relationship between their children and expartner. just because you are unhappy doesn't mean your children also need to be unhappy.

Your children are picking up on your emotions and playing along to avoid mummy going into a meltdown. Why do you not see this?
Judging by all of your posts, he is a caring dad who wants to spend time with his kids. You are the one who is stewing in your own hatred, scouting social media to feed your resentment and feelings of rejection. You need help, OP. You need therapy.
You don't come across well in your posts. Sorry to sound harsh but maybe there was a good reason for him not to be the husband you wanted him to be if he was met with similar conduct while you were married.

@TwinklingLightsEverywhere ’its just the way it works.’

So we just crack on and do nothing to stand up against such a shambles?

@Polewire he should be factoring in all his children. Giving up some of his hours means he can’t provide for them adequately. I would ask him about it from that angle, don’t mention money from his pot with his woman.

I really think the OP is receiving too many unnecessarily harsh replies. So sorry you’re going through all this shit OP. People are ignoring the fact that their children are being “displaced,” as she said around the new baby. Yes, her ex and his new wife are providing financially when there, but OP probably feels like they are being ignored emotionally, hence, the insecurity. OPs feelings are absolutely valid.

He DID betray her and his children. He had an affair, so not like the other woman is innocent either. The time spent sneaking around with another woman, he could’ve devoted to his children. She even said, he didn’t treat her children well in the marriage, nor her, it’s good that he is now a good father, but it doesn’t dismiss that he was shit to his older children. Maybe the OP worries about favouritism being displayed when they’re all together. It sounds like she also wants to protect her children from potential feelings of rejection.

I read that the ex has fought for more custody, but tbh, this doesn’t necessarily prove that he will treat them fairly, and well enough, one can only hope though. The children aren’t toddlers, and if they are now noticing that they’re being “pushed” out in the new family, they will likely remember this.

I’d also suggest OP gets therapy to help process her emotions and come to terms with it. Her ex sounds like an absolute dickhead. Of course, OP would still be hurting profusely. All those years, she wished for him to commit, but instead, he watched her plead, and decided to go off with another woman, leaving them to start a new family. Fucking bullshit.

Anyways, as unfortunate as it is, what’s done is done. It’s good if he can now be a good father to ALL of his children, but I guess the OP is worried that there is no guarantee. I do agree that it’s best to keep the children away from the mess, and not to show the anger towards them. But we don’t know if the OP is actually is, but it’s best she doesn’t. If the ex can somehow prove he will treat his older kids fairly in the new home, then it makes sense for them to spend more time with their dad. He is still their father and has that right and responsibility towards them.

I understand what people are saying but I don’t want my children around him more when he favours the new baby.

They're also his children and unless he's told you or you've seen for yourself first hand that he favours his new baby more than his two elder children it's all in your mind.

If it had been your Ex's turn to have the DC tonight there's every possibility that they'd have been in the photo too.

Your DC may pick up that you're cross when they talk nice about their dad and their new half sibling so are afraid to say anything that may upset you.

christmas Eve and you are on mumsnet worrying about what your ex and his new wife are doing ?

you slag him off for being a bad dad because he didn’t love you , doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his kids.

YOU are the parent that will fuck your children up not him.

The trouble is though, the kids might not feel displaced by the new baby if mum gives dad a chance but again, I've seen situations where the resident parent has fed and planted those fears by saying things -
"Remember dad has a new baby now, he probably doesn't have time for you.." etc etc. and that it where the feeling of displacement comes in. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the resident parent upsets the kids by telling them that they should be worried. Then they go around telling everyone how upset their kids are about it all. Hmm I wonder why?! I'm not saying it doesn't happen where the kids do feel pushed out but I'm saying that in this particular case, a dad who has gone to court to fight for more access to his kids...that take on this situation doesn't really add up to me. Sounds like OP is just bitter about dad having a new baby with someone else.

Also as I recall, although OP strongly suspects exh had an affair, exh and wife still maintain 4 years on that they didn't and neither are here to defend themselves. it's just easy and lazy to trot out stereotypes about the 'dickhead and his trophy wife." He might be... but it sounds like he wanted his kids to be there and has not shirked his financial responsibilities to date.

Christ OP. You’re pretty messed up. And you’re going to mess your kids up.

Legally he is only obliged to pay the amount as worked out by the CSA. It's annoying that he has landed a well off partner and you're struggling. Probably won't end well for them by the sound of it.

Do the kids do alternate Christmasses at Dad's?

Nope

@Polewire however hard I think you need to let go of the bitterness. Let go of what your coupleship/he wasn't and just be where you are now with 2 healthy dc.

I'd suggest a conversation with him as best you can, have someone read it before you send it. You haven't had contact since the split? How when you are handing children over? It sounds like a very horrible situation with your young children paying the price. I see it is he who left but this is your chance to do what he couldn't, communicate well and think of how that's better for your dc.

Keep your communication light but clear. Don't use emotion or resentment but clear language that doesn't demean him/them. Again yes he has hurt you & the dc but what happens next takes both of you thinking of them.

"Hey X Hoping you and the family had a good Christmas. The dc enjoyed spending time with you and the baby. I'm sure you are looking forward to the wedding in 2024. I'm happy for you all.

I am trying to set a budget for the dc for 2024 and would like to have a good conversation about maintenance going forward especially with any changes. I want to make sure I know what to expect so that I can ensure things the children need are covered between my wage and maintenance. I also know you've offered to purchase things in the past and wanted to get some clarity around what that means.

I know things have been hard between us, but I'd like to start the new year as a way to go forward. is there a time in January we can meet to discuss maintenance, we could do this in person or virtually, of course could do it by x app too, but really don't want it to be awkward between us. It's in the best interest for the dc for us to be able to co-parent well no matter what happened between us. I'm willing to put a lot of hurt behind me in order to make this happen because at the end of the day I want all the dc involved to have a happy, healthy life and not look back and feel their childhood was damaged by strained relationships.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Happy New Year."