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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should maintain current contributions?

310 replies

Polewire · 22/12/2023 09:54

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

OP posts:
Saharafordessert · 22/12/2023 12:31

It’s not about her, it’s about you and your ex. You sound very jealous and bitter so try and concentrate on you and your children, make a happy life for them and maybe look at some therapy to help you move on. New year = new you.

Inertia · 22/12/2023 12:31

I think you’ve copped a bit of a hard time on here to be honest. Yes, you feel bitter, but it’s understandable. However, you have children together so there has to be an ongoing relationship- you need to figure out how to make that work for you and you’re children.

As others have said, the new partner’s finances have nothing to do with what your ex has to pay. Perhaps a way forward is to get him to actually buy/ directly pay for things the children need e.g clothes, shoes, school dinners etc. I probably wouldn’t raise the issue of him paying less - make him broach the subject, and then ask what he thinks his children need to go without.

Have you checked whether you are claiming any benefits you are entitled to?

The system is shit. There’s definitely an argument for state payments going directly to the RP, with the govt recouping the cost from current/future earnings from the NRP.

Katypp · 22/12/2023 12:33

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 12:28

That's awful. Wishing him bad karma and a lottery win for you.

This is just another way men get to opt out of parental duties.

Yeah. The easiest way is to block contact. Hth

Luxell934 · 22/12/2023 12:33

Well I'd wait until he actually reduces the payment before deciding to do anything. But if he does it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him how he's going to make up the shortfall for your shared children and make him aware this is going to be difficult for you and will have an impact on his children. Unfortunately if he decides to do this there isn't much you can do. It's a really shit situation.

You have to stop blaming the new partner though, I know it does seem unfair but her wage, what she buys, what she pays for etc is nothing to do with you and your children. This is about your ex. He is the one with the responsibility for your shared children.

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 12:38

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 12:28

That's awful. Wishing him bad karma and a lottery win for you.

This is just another way men get to opt out of parental duties.

Read the thread…

Lovemusic82 · 22/12/2023 12:39

All you can do is ask him?

Chances are he knows that his payments will be reduced if it goes through CSA and that’s probably why he’s reducing his hours and she isn’t. They are his dc and her wedges have nothing to do what he pays towards them.

You still seem very angry towards him and his new partner (her age doesn’t really have anything to do with it). My ex doesn’t pay much at all towards his 2 dc and hardly sees them so I just manage with what we have, my ex would probably do exactly what yours is doing if he had the chance because that’s what he’s like.

A lol you can do is talk to him and ask if the amount will remain the same.

123sunshine · 22/12/2023 12:39

I believe that the CMS calculation would reduce anyway due to the new child as he now has two families to support. I’m sure it is difficult seeing everything play out, but I think you need to focus on building your own life and not making comparisons.
When I split with my ex husband I made it very clear that he didn’t get to just walk away and be a part time dad, I really don’t believe in every other weekend, it’s just not enough contact. I would also suggest you look at your own situation and how you can better yourself for yours and your children’s futures . I had been a Stay at home mum for 7 years when I was left by my ex. I got a part time job around the kids, and began studying to renew my professional exams from my previous career. I knew I didn’t want to have a life which meant relying on tax credits, maintenance payments and a low paying job. I now have no interest in what my ex husband and his new family earn or don’t earn as though he does still contribute a modest maintenance payment for the last child in education, I am financially independent and doing well for myself as the investment I made in bettering myself paid off.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 12:39

My childcare arrangements aren’t costing me anything so it would be of no benefit him having them more anyway.

Except for the benefit of your children spending quality time with their dad and their baby brother?

It's not about you and what's convenient to you.

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 12:41

Britpop123 · 22/12/2023 12:38

Read the thread…

Show quote history

I have thanks. Parental duties include financially supporting all of your children.

Ostryga · 22/12/2023 12:41

Op I would be very careful, what you’re saying borders on parental alienation. If your ex can prove it he could very easily go for full custody of the children.

You need to take all emotion out of this, and stop worrying about his wife. What’s happened has happened and you can’t change that. Model good behaviour for your children and don’t put them in the position of having to deal with your bitterness because that is not fair on them at all.

Dotjones · 22/12/2023 12:53

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 12:28

That's awful. Wishing him bad karma and a lottery win for you.

This is just another way men get to opt out of parental duties.

He took the OP to court to get more access when the OP unilaterally reduced it. The OP doesn't want him taking on more parental duties, she just wants money from him.

Honeychickpea · 22/12/2023 12:54

RoomOfRequirement · 22/12/2023 11:21

CM payments should be like every other bill. You don't get free electricity if you become a lazy man child, you should have to continue to pay CM too. And there should be a minimum regardless of what you earn.

But that would help women so it would never happen.

Are sahms also lazy woman children?

missmollygreen · 22/12/2023 12:57

OP, please stop using the children as weapons.
Do what is right for them, not just you

Bellyblueboy · 22/12/2023 13:00

if he is reducing hours to spend more time with his child and therefore cut his childcare bills can he not take all three of his children thereby allowing you to work more and reduce your childcare bills too?

he doesn’t sound like he is spending much time with his two older children.

Hmindr68 · 22/12/2023 13:05

From your OP, I felt for you.

But your subsequent posts reveal how this is zero to do with providing for your DCs and 100% to do with how bitter you are.

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 13:06

@Bellyblueboy probably not because the mum cut it down because she was pissed off at the dad 🙄

Bellyblueboy · 22/12/2023 13:08

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 13:06

@Bellyblueboy probably not because the mum cut it down because she was pissed off at the dad 🙄

Oops sorry. Merry Christmas to you!!!!! Sorry I pissed you off enough to take the time to type this 😂

Katypp · 22/12/2023 13:12

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 12:41

I have thanks. Parental duties include financially supporting all of your children.

Show quote history

But mum has a free reign to do what she likes, frustrate contact and still take the moral high ground? Sounds fair 🙄

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 22/12/2023 13:15

I have two step children and their mother really struggles as she does not work. I have a good income and husband and I share all of our finances. My husband is a work horse so there is no danger of him reducing his hours but there is always a possibility he could find himself incapacitated and unable to work.
If his ex wife emailed him and asked for contributions to continue, knowing that these contributions would come from my salary instead, I would agree to this.

I am aware that many people would not or could not agree. I am simply offering my own perspective. No two situations are the same.

There is no specific reason that I would agree. I love my husband and the children he came with, the children do rely upon me as a responsible adult in their life and we could cut costs elsewhere in our lives to afford husband’s maintenance to continue on just my salary.
In fact, if all of our children lived with us all of the time, we would HAVE to find a way to afford them. Living expenses (in some cases) seem to become optional after divorce, which is obviously absurd.
Also, CMS is really more of a “bare bones” amount. It doesn’t really scale correctly with all sorts of income and lifestyle factors, for a number of boring reasons I won’t go into here.

We could cut costs in a way that would impact all children equally (holidays, gifts, days out etc) whilst also ensuring we maintain our obligation to keep all children fed and in clothes.

What I am saying is - if going is as good as you say it is at the other end, she might be more amenable to it than you think. There is no harm in asking, if phrased correctly. But she has no obligation so gird those loins.

zurala · 22/12/2023 13:15

I think this is a cautionary tale for women whose partner won't marry them and doesn't spend time with them. It basically means he isn't that into you and you aren't the one, and you should cut your losses and leave.

OP I'm sorry you're in this situation and I agree with you, but also agree you need to approach it carefully and base it on your children and their needs.

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 13:21

Katypp · 22/12/2023 13:12

But mum has a free reign to do what she likes, frustrate contact and still take the moral high ground? Sounds fair 🙄

Show quote history

Well no... I didn't suggest that.

burntbagel · 22/12/2023 13:22

I would just ask for current contributions to continue
not making it about her or their finances
just for the current contributions to the children to continue

GuinnessBird · 22/12/2023 13:23

GabriellaMontez · 22/12/2023 13:21

Well no... I didn't suggest that.

Show quote history

That's what the OP did though...

CruCru · 22/12/2023 13:24

Forgotmylogindetails · 22/12/2023 11:49

Sorry I’ve just read some more of your posts , in the nicest possible way get some therapy x

How will she pay for it?

I feel quite sorry for the OP. It sounds as though this man treated her moderately badly when they were together and she’s just realised her child support is going to reduce. Not many people can take a 20% pay cut without it being a hardship.

I don’t have any advice but I will say that, if the new partner is a really high earner, she is mad to marry this man.

SuspiciousSue · 22/12/2023 13:27

That sucks so badly and I get it, I really do. I’ve seen it from all three sides. As a CSA worker (when it was CSA) as a parent with care and as the wife of a paying parent. It’s so wrong when men do this but, equally, why should the new partner have to support you? You and your ex brought your children into the world, she didn’t.

As a CSA worker, I had this conversation a million times. As a receiving parent I generally got nothing, often for this reason, and am actually owed thousands in arrears. DH’s ex has tried to get my financial details so she can get more maintenance (all whilst slagging me off) It’s unfair all round.

You could try asking for a variation though.