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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
Mummyofthewildones · 21/12/2023 10:39

YANBU. None of her business.

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/12/2023 10:40

YANBU. He just needs to repeat 'not my money, doesn't affect maintenance' until she gives up.

endofthelinefinally · 21/12/2023 10:40

You are absolutely right. Your personal information is not her business. Why does she know anything about the money? The car and the holiday are not her business either. Has she seen the car? How does she know about the holiday?

MerryMidwinter · 21/12/2023 10:40

She sounds very grabby but I agree it's none of her business.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/12/2023 10:41

He needs to tell her it’s not his money and he won’t discuss it further.

audihere · 21/12/2023 10:41

yanbu

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:43

You’re right and she’s a cheeky cow. I hope you’re fully recovered now.

Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:43

The car and the work to the house she knows because she's been here when dropping off the children and the holiday because she asked DH to collect DC2 from school on one of the days but we were away (it was her day but she was at work and they were unwell). And the children also knew we were going away anyway.

OP posts:
ValerieVomit · 21/12/2023 10:44

They are divorced and she needs to wind her neck in and MHOB.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 10:45

Given that you barely know her, he could actually just lie to her and say that you had a lottery win. As you say, your finances are none of her business, but if he wants her to shut up about it, he could make something up.

Singleandproud · 21/12/2023 10:47

She doesn't need to know your medical history, he can just say that it was an inheritance after a bereavement that's vague enough.

There are so many men that fiddle the numbers and don't pay the correct share of maintenance that I'm not surprised she has taken this attitude, however she also sounds like a nightmare in other ways.

BillionaireTea · 21/12/2023 10:48

If she feels insecure and as though her ex DH has form for trying to get away with paying the minimum, then she might be legit worried that he's had a big payrise and isn't telling her and the children might lose out.

So if he just says none of your beeswax that doesn't allay her concerns. He needs to say "my new partner has come into some money, it's not mine so I won't be discussing it, but it's absolutely not my income paying for all this."

GabriellaMontez · 21/12/2023 10:50

He needs to grow a pair. I appreciate this will be difficult at first. But who does he want to keep happy ? You or her?

Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:52

He doesn't have form for dodging any money though that's the thing. We have the DC 3 nights per week and he pays maintenance over the calculator amount as per a private arrangement they came to.

I mean she's welcome to go to CMS and let them determine what his wage his and what he should be paying but she would be coming out with less. He's already told her it's not his, obviously meaning it's mine. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't want to divulge anything partly out of stubbornness I guess because I'm sick of her constantly thinking she's entitled to demand X Y and Z and gain information about us and especially me, that she's not entitled to.

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 21/12/2023 10:53

Nothing to do with her.

Olika · 21/12/2023 10:57

None of her business and your DH should not tell her in any circumstances.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2023 10:57

I wouldn’t tell her. Fuck that, it’s none of her business. I’d just ignore any comments/grips/questions and let DH say ‘not my money’ or similar, on repeat. CF…

CanaryCanary · 21/12/2023 11:01

It’s none of her business and you need to go a bit nuclear here with DH. When he keeps suggesting giving in, does he understand he’d be choosing his ex over his actual partner? He can decide to keep her happy, or keep you happy. He can’t do both here so if he’s not going to choose you, you’d have some tough choices to make.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2023 11:05

Playing secret squirrels is creating drama, surely. Why can’t he just tell her your parents gave you some money?

I’m sure if this were switched about, and the ex wife was posting about her ex husband flashing the cash, refusing to say where it came from, but not contributing anything extra to his DC, there would be plenty of posters advising that she get CMS to recalculate his maintenance because he was obviously hiding an increase in earnings.

dddecide · 21/12/2023 11:07

Yanbu

Tell him to tell her on repeat, 'it's not my money, it doesn't affect maintenance. If you don't believe me contact cms and we can go through them instead'. Literally those exact words, every time until she shuts up. Possibly even adding 'if you don't stop badgering me, I'll contact cms myself and we can go through them' because she's more likely to stop then if she knows she'd get less!

Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:07

I’m sure if this were switched about, and the ex wife was posting about her ex husband flashing the cash but not contributing anything extra to his DC, there would be plenty of posters advising that she get CMS to recalculate his maintenance because he was obviously hiding an increase in earnings

She can do. The calculation would be less than she gets now though so wouldn't achieve anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:10

I don't want to tell her because it's none of her business where its come from providing it's not DHs increased earnings for CMS purposes. She's asked him and he's said it isn't. The fact she thinks he's lying is her problem, not mine. She can contact CMS and check if she wants to.

I'm sick of having to bend over whenever this woman demands it. This is something that is my business and my finances. She isn't entitled to the info and for once, I don't want to give it to her. I guess in a way just to show her that she doesn't get to have her own way all the time.

OP posts:
queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:10

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:07

I’m sure if this were switched about, and the ex wife was posting about her ex husband flashing the cash but not contributing anything extra to his DC, there would be plenty of posters advising that she get CMS to recalculate his maintenance because he was obviously hiding an increase in earnings

She can do. The calculation would be less than she gets now though so wouldn't achieve anything.

It wouldn't achieve anything, but why put her through all that stress? Your DP can just tell her the source of the extra cash with no further details. It's really not that hard.

FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:12

BillionaireTea · 21/12/2023 10:48

If she feels insecure and as though her ex DH has form for trying to get away with paying the minimum, then she might be legit worried that he's had a big payrise and isn't telling her and the children might lose out.

So if he just says none of your beeswax that doesn't allay her concerns. He needs to say "my new partner has come into some money, it's not mine so I won't be discussing it, but it's absolutely not my income paying for all this."

He didn't just say none of your business though. He told her it isn't his money. So she knows he hasn't had a pay rise.

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:12

It's none of her business so you've no obligation to tell her beyond him explaining it isn't his money.

But I don't like your implication that he's being amazing for supporting his own kids or that if she went through CMS then "she" would come out with less. That money is for their children.

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