to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

[tikkytakk]

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

I would go through CSA and be done with it

If you have the kids 3 nights a week, depending how many days you have them, she will get very little !

Go through CSA and tell her, this is what u wanted, so it will all get investigated

This. He needs to say it is your money and so you won't be discussing it further.

I completely agree with this - and on that basis I think OP is being unreasonable.

Also, I've never been in a blended family situation so happy to be corrected - but surely the new partners wealth and earnings would be taken into account?

What if the ex wife married a billionaire? And ex H had more kids? Surely his payments would go down - in which case she is entitled to know about your financial situation too.

And my final point is that child maintenance is for the kids, not the ex. Bizarre to me that people keep making out "he's having to pay HER".

No, he's paying for his kids. As is she.

Can you not hear yourself? Of course OP doesn't owe the ex any of this money which belongs to her personally. You sound like you have an axe to grind here.

Personally I'd just tell her to avoid drama. 'My parents gave me some money' isn't exactly front page news-worthy stuff.

This sounds like the only real solution. Become boring and repetitive, don't let her get a rise out of either of you. Don't give her any reason to believe she will get more info if she keeps pushing. It's not her business.

Just tell her - I received this money myself for compensation over a private and personal medical matter that is not your business or DH's business and does not affect your children. Repeat. Repeat.

And maybe acknowledge that you see her point of view - if he had come into some money or a raise himself, yes he might reasonably be expected to pay more for his own children's maintenance.

The fact you understandably aren't engaging is making her sniff a rat that isn't there.

As you say, if she wants more money she can take advice or go to the CMS. Otherwise she needs to mind her own business....

Child maintenance is based on earnings, not wealth. They do not even ask about savings.
Not sure why people are saying otherwise.
He could win the lottery and no, his payments wouldn't increase, even if he won 65 million.

“Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.”

Yanbu to not want your personal situation divulged to the ex, but surely there are many options between your DH “it’s not my money” and full disclosure? Would it be alright for DH to tell the ex “it’s solely my wife’s income”? The “it’s not my money” does sound like a lie, sort of like when police find cannabis in one’s car and one says “that’s not mine”.

Surely no one could think you unreasonable op!

has anyone actually voted YABU?!

She won’t drop it even she knows where the money came from. She sounds exactly like my husband’s ex and this is precisely why we didn’t tell her I got made redundant earlier this year and got a payout of £60k.

Nope,that's not how it works.

@Ilovelurchers

its not joint finances though is it? It’s op money. - HER compensation and HER inheritance. So it is absolutely nothing to do with the ex.

People are saying otherwise because it is the case that other income and assets can be taken into account by applying for a variation. If he had won the lottery of £65m, then yes his payments would increase.

”Income and assets
Both the paying and receiving parent can ask for the following types of income and assets to be taken into account:

• rental income over £2,500 a year
• interest and dividends from savings and investments over £2,500 a year
• gross earnings or pension of at least £100 a week - if the paying parent gets benefits and qualifies to pay the ‘flat rate’ of child maintenance
• any income the paying parent may be diverting so that it is not included in the calculation (for example, giving it to someone else or choosing to have a company car instead of a higher salary)
• assets like shares, stocks, gold or money worth more than £31,250“

https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

Firstly, let's have our facts right.
Is it the case that if you, his wife, come into money, it is seen as joint income and the law is that your joint income is accountable for your step DC's welfare? I'm sure I read on here step mums having to give their financial info. How is this different? Let's be clear on this first.

With the above in mind, does she see your joint income, and any windfalls and improvement in lifestyle, as fair game to her?

If it is the case that legally she is not entitled to any of your joint improvement of living standards as a result of your accident/ inheritance, then I would suggest that YOU contact her and say something like;

Dear XXXX

I hear that you are asking about the money I have recently spent on our house, holiday and in replacing my car. Just to be clear, this is my money entirely that I have come into, and it is in no way linked to the money you are due from your ex husband. I hope this is the end of the matter. Regards, YYYYY

@Anna8089

lol the money is no matter what you say. Op can do what she likes with it. Soz hun

I had similar problems with ex-h’s ex. Be careful what the children know— we found out his ex used to sit the dc down when they went back to her and were questioned on who’d been to the house, what I’d done, where I’d been. One of the kids got upset one day and said his mum never shut up about me.
So no, she has no right to know about your money, she should wind her neck in but just be aware of little ears.

Similar situation where the exW was so convinced she was being deprived of her “rightful” money that she went to CMS and was awarded a sum that was 25% less than the private agreement. Which was satisfying in one way but ultimately not helpful as the fallout had to be dealt with. Long story short, she still receives the previous privately agreed amount but is still convinced she’s been swindled somehow. She’s a difficult character in general, telling the kids that their dad was not giving her enough money, withholding access etc.

A pp said that the more you say to people like this then the more they feel entitled to know and that is my experience too.

I agree.

Tell her yourself to mind her own business. Under no circumstances do you ever tell her that you have come into any money. Unless things have changed she will come after the money, & she will get it. My H’s ex was after my grant from uni, then it was my wages.

BECAUSE IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

Jesus. OP tell her nothing, make sure your DP stands firm.

@tikkytakk - you said he’s told you it’s not his, but has he spelt out it’s yours? if she was under the impression his parents (her dcs grandparents) were funding etc she might feel it would be “fairer” for him to spend more on the dcs.

next time he is asked “Tikkytakk came into some money, so she’s decided to buy a new car and do some work to our house with it. It’s not my money to spend.” Being clear it’s nothing to do with him but not telling her how you came into it. (If she pushes for details get him to repeat “you need to ask her yourself. It’s not my news to share.”)

Hopefully there's someone legal here who can clarify - but if you're married all income is joint, so SURELY your wealth and income has an impact on your DHs child maintenance payments.

I'm not saying the ex wife isn't being unreasonable. But I don't think a step parents wealth is none of the exWife's business. All money when you're married is joint money.

And someone upthread has already explained with reference to the government website how you can apply for wealth/assets - not just income - to be taken into account when calculating maintenance payments.

She’s had the info she’s entitled to eg ‘it’s not my money’. It’s not the OPs fault that the ex is pushing for more info 🤷‍♀️