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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 21/12/2023 13:06

Spinet · 21/12/2023 11:37

I think that your dislike of her is clouding your judgement. Completely understandable. However imagine she's a normal non-grabby person and she sees her kids' dad splashing the cash. She would still want to make sure her kids weren't missing out on something they were entitled to.

You have an easy way of nipping this in the bud. You don't have to tell her the details, but letting her know the money is yours from your parents and /or a policy that matured would make it stop. You certainly don't have to be nice about it but this stubborn 'i don't have to so I won't' attitude will just inflame things to a height that will be annoying for you to deal with. Your life will be easier if you just tell her.

But why would she feel her kids were missing out even if it was their dads money? It doesn’t have to go through her. He has them half the week. Unless he’s not paying for things for them then really she’s already got maintenance for one extra day. She needs to butt out. But I agree your dh is the issue. He shouldn’t be entertaining it.

Hellenika · 21/12/2023 13:09

SuspiciousSue · 21/12/2023 13:04

She’s had the info she’s entitled to eg ‘it’s not my money’. It’s not the OPs fault that the ex is pushing for more info 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

She is entitled to know whose money it is, as a pp said if it were from the DH’s parents or wider family, that should be accounted for when calculating the CMS. The ex, for all her faults, she has children she is raising that the DH is the father of. She has every right to ask to ensure their children get the right amount of maintenance. CMS isn’t for her, the ex, it’s for the DC that she and the OP’s DH had together. I think OP needs to be a bit more reasonable, as she may one day be an ex and the shoe will be on the other foot. Treat a fellow mother the way you would like to be treated if the positions were reversed.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 21/12/2023 13:10

Completely agree with you OP, if she doesn’t like it she’s welcome to go to CMS. They’ll also tell her your income isn’t anything to do with their father paying her child maintenance.

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 21/12/2023 13:11

I would just get DH to say "I'm saying this for one final time. I am not having this conversation with you again. It's not my money, my circumstances have not changed. If you choose not to believe me, go to CMS and get them to calculate how much I should be paying." then carry on as you are.

Hellenika · 21/12/2023 13:12

Namerequired · 21/12/2023 13:06

But why would she feel her kids were missing out even if it was their dads money? It doesn’t have to go through her. He has them half the week. Unless he’s not paying for things for them then really she’s already got maintenance for one extra day. She needs to butt out. But I agree your dh is the issue. He shouldn’t be entertaining it.

Show quote history

CMS isn’t a flat rate like £60 per day per child, or even locked in from split to age 18. It is calculated based on the nonresident parent’s income, and can also take into account other income and assets. It can be reviewed and adjusted annually as the nonresident parent’s finances fluctuate. Divorce financial settlements can also affect CMS owed, it’s not always by the calculator.

pushbaum · 21/12/2023 13:12

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:52

He doesn't have form for dodging any money though that's the thing. We have the DC 3 nights per week and he pays maintenance over the calculator amount as per a private arrangement they came to.

I mean she's welcome to go to CMS and let them determine what his wage his and what he should be paying but she would be coming out with less. He's already told her it's not his, obviously meaning it's mine. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't want to divulge anything partly out of stubbornness I guess because I'm sick of her constantly thinking she's entitled to demand X Y and Z and gain information about us and especially me, that she's not entitled to.

Well if you think she knows it's your money why can't he just say that to her without going into any details? I don't really get why that's such a massive issue especially if she's giving him grief.

Toooldtoworry · 21/12/2023 13:12

MsCactus · 21/12/2023 13:03

Hopefully there's someone legal here who can clarify - but if you're married all income is joint, so SURELY your wealth and income has an impact on your DHs child maintenance payments.

I'm not saying the ex wife isn't being unreasonable. But I don't think a step parents wealth is none of the exWife's business. All money when you're married is joint money.

And someone upthread has already explained with reference to the government website how you can apply for wealth/assets - not just income - to be taken into account when calculating maintenance payments.

The only persons salary/investments/other income taken into account for child maintenance purposes is the non resident parent. Ie NOT the spouse of as well. Therefore the resident parent has NO call on the spouses income/inheritance/etc.

diddl · 21/12/2023 13:14

I understand why someone wouldn't want to make themselves vulnerable to their partners ex by talking about illness, but I just do not understand why people would rather keep it mysterious and dramatic just to make a point when children are involved.

But the children aren't involved.

Ex has been told that the money is not their father's.

If she doesn't believe that then that is for her to loo into.

Crumpleton · 21/12/2023 13:14

You yourself should tell her that while you expect her to discuss any business involving the DC with your DH she's rather rude and taking the piss in expecting either of you to discuss personal business that has absolutely nothing to do with her.

GrumpyPanda · 21/12/2023 13:17

Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

It's not the "joint" finances though, and she's been informed of that.

DidiAskYouThough · 21/12/2023 13:17

Your husband should sort maintenance through CMS obviously, the private arrangement is not working out.
People posting that you should allow the man to disclose your private business to his ex are ridiculous 😄

Avatartar · 21/12/2023 13:21

Get DH to copy a payslip to her and tell her to go to CMS if she doesn’t believe him. Perhaps consider seeing and getting a solicitor to write her a letter telling her to go to CMS and leave you alone which will probably fire her up, but also get her to stop asking.

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2023 13:23

But the ex hasn’t been informed who’s money it is - her exH appears to be flashing the cash, and just says it’s not his money, but his partner doesn’t appear to have a new well paying job and the kids haven’t been coming home from their dads saying his new wife is sad because someone in her family has died etc.

He needs to be clear that the money is the OPs, not just say it’s not his, when it appears that he’s spending it.

Holdingontilljuly · 21/12/2023 13:25

8 years of this stuff? Hopefully not for much longer

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2023 13:27

There’s a lot to be said for not deliberately creating drama, by refusing to say the money is the OPs /her dh saying “my wife has come into some money and she’s spent it on the house and a car for herself.” the OP and her DH have fed drama. You don’t have to say the exact details of where the money has come from or how much, just that it’s the OPs, and it’s now been spent. (Which I would say even if it hasn’t all been spent now.)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/12/2023 13:28

I'd just say inheritance and close it down.

FestiveFruitloop · 21/12/2023 13:28

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2023 13:27

There’s a lot to be said for not deliberately creating drama, by refusing to say the money is the OPs /her dh saying “my wife has come into some money and she’s spent it on the house and a car for herself.” the OP and her DH have fed drama. You don’t have to say the exact details of where the money has come from or how much, just that it’s the OPs, and it’s now been spent. (Which I would say even if it hasn’t all been spent now.)

OP and her DH aren't 'creating drama' by insisting this information remains confidential. His ex is, by continuing to badger them about this.

nonumbersinthisname · 21/12/2023 13:30

Hellenika · 21/12/2023 13:09

She is entitled to know whose money it is, as a pp said if it were from the DH’s parents or wider family, that should be accounted for when calculating the CMS. The ex, for all her faults, she has children she is raising that the DH is the father of. She has every right to ask to ensure their children get the right amount of maintenance. CMS isn’t for her, the ex, it’s for the DC that she and the OP’s DH had together. I think OP needs to be a bit more reasonable, as she may one day be an ex and the shoe will be on the other foot. Treat a fellow mother the way you would like to be treated if the positions were reversed.

Show quote history

Interestingly, in my situation upthread, the exW (A) has remarried, and her new DH (B) has his own exW (C) and kids that he had with her. From what we’ve been able to pick up, there isn’t any sisterly solidarity going on between A and C, with A calling C money grabbing and unreasonable for the expectations placed on B. Total reverse compared to her relationship with us.

It’s pure hypocrisy and double standards, but all out of our control. All we can do is manage the relationship with A with an eye to the best interests of kids, but it sits very close to blackmail sometimes. It gets quieter for us when C is in the crosshairs though.

LavenderfortheBees · 21/12/2023 13:35

OP can post what she likes. This thread has probably helped her feel more at ease with her decision which is a perfectly legitimate reason.

BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2023 13:35

Honestly you are just making drama for the sake of it. He just needs to say that you have inherited some money, he’s hardly divulging your innermost secrets. If you don’t like her it’s best to just rise above it. If he’d had a bonus or wage increase or taken a second job he would be liable for extra payments and so many fathers ‘forget’ this.

Shelby2010 · 21/12/2023 13:37

DH needs to specifically tell her that it’s your money but no other details. If she asks for further info, he just tells her it’s your business to choose who to discuss it with, not his.

Yesiamtiredactually · 21/12/2023 13:38

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:10

I don't want to tell her because it's none of her business where its come from providing it's not DHs increased earnings for CMS purposes. She's asked him and he's said it isn't. The fact she thinks he's lying is her problem, not mine. She can contact CMS and check if she wants to.

I'm sick of having to bend over whenever this woman demands it. This is something that is my business and my finances. She isn't entitled to the info and for once, I don't want to give it to her. I guess in a way just to show her that she doesn't get to have her own way all the time.

Oh 100% do not tell her. I’ve got someone similar to this in our lives and I totally empathise!
They seem to love having so much power over people and being able to use children as leverage to get what they want!
As you’ve said, the only options are; you tell her, which you do not want to do for completely reasonable reasons, or, you don’t tell her, she becomes frustrated and enquires via CMS and shoots herself in the foot.
she could attempt to punish you both by causing you grief, but let’s be honest, this would be temporary and is almost guaranteed to punish herself too by ruining any plans she’s made for her child free time!
Stand your ground!

Littlegoth · 21/12/2023 13:40

Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Hahaha.

Nope!

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 21/12/2023 13:41

Kudos to you for putting up with her shit for 8 years without telling her to do one. Your DH needs to keep repeating the message and take your side - you are his wife.

I know he shares kids with her, but he should be limiting his contact with her to messages about the kids only and telling her to bugger off about everything else.

8 years!?! The woman seriously needs to move on and get a hobby!

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 13:46

MsCactus · 21/12/2023 13:03

Hopefully there's someone legal here who can clarify - but if you're married all income is joint, so SURELY your wealth and income has an impact on your DHs child maintenance payments.

I'm not saying the ex wife isn't being unreasonable. But I don't think a step parents wealth is none of the exWife's business. All money when you're married is joint money.

And someone upthread has already explained with reference to the government website how you can apply for wealth/assets - not just income - to be taken into account when calculating maintenance payments.

A marriage is between two people.

Children are between two people.

Where those parties aren’t the same there’s no cross over inbetween.

People have a right to privacy - they don’t have to lay their private info out just because their partner has kids with someone else.

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