to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

[tikkytakk]

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

@queenofallqueens not really.

If there are only 2 people in a household earning, and they start buying new stuff / going on holiday and 1 of the people says the extra money to purchase this 'stuff' isn't coming from them, then it's logical it's from the other person.

OP has already stated that her DP is over paying CMS and is consistent and on-time with payments.

It's not his money. Even if he got an insurance payout or inheritance it wouldn't be anything to do with her. If she wants money she can get a job. I wouldn't tell her anything and if he does I'd be passed because he doesn't respect your privacy and will sell you out for a quiet life.

CMS does an annual review- so your partner can tell the ex to hang tight for that: https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/how-child-maintenance-annual-review-works

If she goes tho CM then I'd pay her accordingly. He can always put the extra into savings for his kids.

This is an interesting thread. I’ve taken it that the money, while nice to have, is not a life changing amount - the OP bought a car, went on holiday and did some work to the house (presumably not a total, mad rebuild of the house). It would be reasonably straightforward to say that she’d inherited some money - she doesn’t need to mention the illness.

So it sounds as though this isn’t really about the money, she has just about had enough of the ex. It may be that telling her where the money came from won’t shut the conversation with the ex down.

OP, I have encountered people who see others’ health problems as a sign of weakness, and therefore become more aggressive and demanding towards the person they now consider to be weak.

Yet another reason YANBU!

I understand why someone wouldn't want to make themselves vulnerable to their partners ex by talking about illness, but I just do not understand why people would rather keep it mysterious and dramatic just to make a point when children are involved. I have no doubt the ex is tiresome and grabby but the principle of 'she should mind her own business' should not come before keeping things as amicable as possible (even if that's not v amicable) for the kids.

Just send a photo of his payslip.
"Ticky inherited some money"

job done, no drama.

Can’t he just say that it’s your inheritance and nothing to do with him/her? If she then wants to check further that’s up to her.

I do actually agree with this.

I think the more you tell the more you open yourself up for questions, so you’re better just to shut it down.

I would be mortified if my DH shared my financial info with his ExW (much as she’d love to know and has cast aspersions before). There are elements of my DH’s finances and business I dont know about, as his wife and mother of his two subsequent children. Because it’s immaterial to me and doesn’t impact me. I could insist, but why bother?

I find it unsettling that my DH has every last penny of his income laid out by CMS to his exW who has no concern for his privacy and so is free to share that info (CMS for the avoidance of doubt became involved when exW insisted she was entitled to more, and yes, actually found she was due about £250 pcm less than she was getting). I cannot imagine asking exW to lay her finances out because she has asked for X amount of money for their joint child.

Imagine if each time there was a request for more money for a child related expense we asked for every penny of exW’s income to be accounted for and then shared that with whoever visited to try and discredit her.

But why should the OP have to hand over personal sensitive information to a women who is difficult and unpleasant to her, and with whom that info has nothing to do.

As far as I’m concerned @tikkytakk you have the patience of a saint,I’d have to her to fuck off.

just watch your DH doesn’t give in for a quiet life.

Actually when I re-read the original post I realised the ex isn't annoying you.

She's annoying your husband who is annoying you, as you don't speak to her.

Just tell your husband not to tell her anything, and you don't want to hear anything more about it.

It is none of her business and I don't see how telling her is was from your parents would make any difference anyway. Why would she believe it if she doesn't believe it is yours in the first place?

Why have you come in here to vent your frustration and anger over someone who is clearly living in your head rent free.

Not only that - it is your husband you need to vent to as he is the one who wants to go against your wishes.

This thread should serve as a warning to anyone thinking of marrying into a blended family!

Some are marginally ok but most of them are hell due to the ex wife but more often than not due to the children!

@tikkytakk if its any consolation my DH Ex is the same. She has told DH she expects us to leave our home to their DS so that he can live rent and mortgage free, never mind we have 5 children between us not just DSS.

I earn quite well, but DH literally dropped 2/3 of his salary when he got made redundant 2 years ago. DH has not reduced child support but his Ex knows he is earning much less, yet still demands we buy the expensive gifts. She gets really shitty when she doesn't get her own way, and if she does she is smug af. I've told DH it's not fair on the others for DSS to be gifted more than them so it needs to stop. He is in agreement but he is not good at standing up to her, so I imagine it'll be me saying no and I won't explain why.

YANBU
Its none of her business and even if it was your DH’s compensation then it would be none of her business, as long as the DCs are being provided for adequately.

What is the reason that she’s dropping the kids off at your home though?

And yes, definitely a DH problem!

If she's anything like my DH's EXW then she just wants to know out of nosiness, or it will go into her 'big bag of things that I can later hold against you' which is never full enough for these people.

When we moved, EXW texted daily to get our new address so 'she could update the CMS'. Of course we would have let her have it, and updated CMS anyway.

A few days later she'd messaged DH to say 'I see you've bought an £XXX house in XXX area - how did you afford that?'

Before I could intervene he'd messaged back to say 'its Edwardandtubbs's house, owned solely by her, I have no interest in it.'

I would've just not replied to the nosey cow.

(Also just to clarify yes OBVIOUSLY I would've snooped on Rightmove but I wouldn't have bloody well advertised that fact!)

Keep saying nothing. Let her go back to CMS. Solidarity. Hope you are well now, OP.

Absolutely none other business and your OH does not have to explain to her where the money is from.

My now DH’s EW was as the same. They had a private arrangement for CM and he was paying her £750 per month (considerably more than the CMS recommendation). This was never enough and she was always demanding more. When I purchased a new car she demanded to know my salary details and demanded more money. Sick of the constant demands (and threats to stop contact if she didn’t get it) my DH asked the CMS to calculate maintenance and she was awarded considerably less money than she was getting. God, I wish I was a fly on the wall when the CMS calculation letter came through. He does top it up (he now pays £800 per month in total).

You need to nip these things in the bud and set boundaries. You / your OH do not have to explain anything to her. NO is a full sentence.

The hell they are. Surely you're not saying you think the ex is acting reasonably in this scenario?

OP I think you need to ask your partner to deal with this to shut it down.

I’d recommend, “I am acutely aware of my financial responsibilities to my children. If my circumstances change requiring me to give you more money I will inform you and do so. My circumstances have not changed and I’m not willing to justify myself to you. If you don’t believe me that’s your choice. I will be happy to go into detail with child maintenance. You will however be wasting their time but that’s on you.”

if anything comes up in future - rinse and repeat.

I had similar with my partners ex. She learned very quickly to get back in her box where I was concerned!

I don’t understand how sharing the source of the money helps in any way. Why would she believe that its OPs money anymore than she woudn’t believe its not OP DHs money (if that makes sense)? She just sounds like a noisy chancer. Id get OP DH to get CMS involved to draw a line under discussions.

Hes your husband which means its shared and yes maintenance should go up. Why are you even with this man . This is nasty. You choose to have a stepchild and husband but your money is yours. Can you not hear yourself.

I agree she doesn't need detail but it does sound unnecessarily obtuse to doggedly stick to "it's not my money" when he could quite reasonably say "it's @tikkytakk money from her parents so nothing to do with my earnings, maintenance or our DC"