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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 21/12/2023 11:38

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:32

Lady calm down

Well done for agreeing with her. Have a cookie as a treat. Feel better? Good

Show quote history
Biscuit
Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 11:39

Spinet · 21/12/2023 11:37

I think that your dislike of her is clouding your judgement. Completely understandable. However imagine she's a normal non-grabby person and she sees her kids' dad splashing the cash. She would still want to make sure her kids weren't missing out on something they were entitled to.

You have an easy way of nipping this in the bud. You don't have to tell her the details, but letting her know the money is yours from your parents and /or a policy that matured would make it stop. You certainly don't have to be nice about it but this stubborn 'i don't have to so I won't' attitude will just inflame things to a height that will be annoying for you to deal with. Your life will be easier if you just tell her.

She’s not concerned about the kids she’s concerned about herself. If dad has come into money there’s no reason to think the kids won’t benefit by him, mum doesn’t have to pre-approve any kid related spending just because they are separated.

justalittlesnoel · 21/12/2023 11:39

Love all the "splashing the cash" comments 😂 it's hardly rocking up with gold teeth and a Dior fanny pack!

She's had an answer OP. If that's not good enough, she can do whatever she wants with the information. She isn't entitled to know your private business, your DH has given her all of the information she needs. This is a her problem, you shouldn't be forced to divulge private information to fix her issues.

LouMorris · 21/12/2023 11:39

He’s stuck in the middle isn’t he? Ex wife is demanding more information (which clearly some people in this thread think she is entitled to), current wife doesn’t want to share that information (understandably). He’s trying to smooth the water by appealing to the most reasonable of the pair.

However, I totally understand where you’re coming from OP, you absolutely shouldn’t have to tell her anything so don’t share anything you don’t want to. There are some great suggestions for wording on here, ultimately all he needs to do is confirm that it’s not his money being spent and if she doesn’t believe him she can go to CMS.

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 11:39

Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Fortunately the law disagrees with you.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 21/12/2023 11:40

Urgh stop being such a bloody child. You share kids with this woman. You don't have to like her, but you do need to avoid stirring up drama for no good reason. Just tell your husband to tell her you've come into a bit of money. If she asks for more details, he tells her it's private. End of. By leaving it like this you are just trying to sow suspicion, provoke drama and get one up on her, which is immature and idiotic. Just stop it, you're a grown woman not a schoolgirl.

LouMorris · 21/12/2023 11:41

Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

OPs finances are absolutely nothing to do with ex wife. Regardless of who she is married to.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 21/12/2023 11:41

He needs to tell her 'You have been told it's not my money, it's none of your business and not up for discussion, I won't be entertaining any more talk about this'. Then completely ignore any more questions from her. She can take it up with CMS herself and waste her time if she wants. She is not entitled to any information about you, nor is your husband in any way entitled to give her any information about you. He needs to put you first and let her see clearly that he is doing so. Hang on to that money OP, if your husband is prioritising his ex I'd want to re-evaluate the relationship.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 21/12/2023 11:42

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 21/12/2023 11:40

Urgh stop being such a bloody child. You share kids with this woman. You don't have to like her, but you do need to avoid stirring up drama for no good reason. Just tell your husband to tell her you've come into a bit of money. If she asks for more details, he tells her it's private. End of. By leaving it like this you are just trying to sow suspicion, provoke drama and get one up on her, which is immature and idiotic. Just stop it, you're a grown woman not a schoolgirl.

Or the ex could grow up and stop putting her beak where it doesn't belong. She's been told. Once is enough. It's none of her business.

ActDottie · 21/12/2023 11:43

Yanbu! She’s being a scrounger! Your DH just needs to keep repeating its not his money.

I may be wrong but I also thought maintenance was based on income anyway so even if it was his money he wouldn’t have to increase maintenance.

Pipsquiggle · 21/12/2023 11:44

He just needs to keep saying

'It's not my money. It's none of your business' - rinse & repeat.

The ex is a bit thick, even I can work out that the money is from you not him.

LouMorris · 21/12/2023 11:45

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 21/12/2023 11:40

Urgh stop being such a bloody child. You share kids with this woman. You don't have to like her, but you do need to avoid stirring up drama for no good reason. Just tell your husband to tell her you've come into a bit of money. If she asks for more details, he tells her it's private. End of. By leaving it like this you are just trying to sow suspicion, provoke drama and get one up on her, which is immature and idiotic. Just stop it, you're a grown woman not a schoolgirl.

Absolute nonsense, ex wife has been told repeatedly that the money is not his. If she chooses not to believe that (especially given that, taking the thread at face value, there has been no history of poor behaviour) that is her issue and it is her creating the drama.

Marrying a man with kids doesn’t mean you have to tolerate poor behaviour from the ex.

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:45

Pipsquiggle · 21/12/2023 11:44

He just needs to keep saying

'It's not my money. It's none of your business' - rinse & repeat.

The ex is a bit thick, even I can work out that the money is from you not him.

Not exactly genius to work it out because you've been told the sources of additional money

SpaghettiSauceOnTheCarpet · 21/12/2023 11:47

YANBU. As long as DH is providing adequately for SDCs (and it looks like he is) what’s it got to do with her? Does she pass on her financial information to DH? you can definitely see who the ExWives are on this thread.

Prawncow · 21/12/2023 11:47

There are two adults in the house and one has said it’s not my money. That’s hardly a logic puzzle.

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/12/2023 11:49

God, the drama! OP, you're as bad as each other with all the secret squirrel stuff.

I'd ring her up and say I came into an inheritance. Happy now?

Showmethesunny · 21/12/2023 11:49

He can just show her his salary slip. Easy

don’t demonise her as plenty of men lie and a request like this isn’t unreasonable

GasPanic · 21/12/2023 11:50

I'm surprised the kids haven't blabbed about the source of it tbh. Unless you are very careful what you discuss in from of them.

Basically she is irritating and nosey. She has no right to know. OTOH you know she is like this and withholding information from her will create drama.

So there are the choices. You can either not tell her and know that you are going to have to put up with her nonsense until she gets bored or tell her either the truth or a convincing lie and hopefully make it all go away.

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:50

Prawncow · 21/12/2023 11:47

There are two adults in the house and one has said it’s not my money. That’s hardly a logic puzzle.

It was the ex in the library with the candlestick.

Winnipeggy · 21/12/2023 11:52

I have a very similar personal experience and she never stops trying to claim that the money should be hers somehow. Stand your ground.

Showmethesunny · 21/12/2023 11:52

You can’t just ‘check someone’s salary’ with CMS. All you can do is apply to take money directly from their PAYE - and the CMS take their cut of this. So you are being totally unreasonable

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 21/12/2023 11:53

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 21/12/2023 11:42

Or the ex could grow up and stop putting her beak where it doesn't belong. She's been told. Once is enough. It's none of her business.

Show quote history

Op can't control the ex. She can control herself. Right now she's just enjoying having power and winding the ex up, without any concern for the pain in the arse this is giving her husband and almost inevitably the poor kids caught up in this. She needs to grow up. Yeah maybe the ex does too but she isn't going to and the Op turning the screw isn't going to make her. It's just going to make life miserable for her husband, and for what?

enchantedsquirrelwood · 21/12/2023 11:54

Ilovelurchers · 21/12/2023 11:38

You chose to marry a man who is co-parenting with another woman.

Your joint finances are always going to be her business until those kids are grown and flown.

If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

An inheritance/gift/compensation award are not joint finances.

The OP's DH just needs to say it's new wife's money not mine.

If ex says "and where did that come from" he just says "that's not your concern".

By the way OP regarding him paying more than the CMS calculator would require. Most parents want to do the best for their children, not what the government says the minimum is.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 21/12/2023 11:56

Op can't control the ex. She can control herself. Right now she's just enjoying having power and winding the ex up, without any concern for the pain in the arse this is giving her husband and almost inevitably the poor kids caught up in this. She needs to grow up. Yeah maybe the ex does too but she isn't going to and the Op turning the screw isn't going to make her. It's just going to make life miserable for her husband, and for what?

She's not 'enjoying having power and winding her up'. She doesn't want her involved in her financial matters, and rightly so. The ex has been told. The OP doesn't need to do anything else, nor is she turning the screw by telling her to fuck off.

Can guarantee you're an ex partner.