to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

[tikkytakk]

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

I’m not an ex.

But my impression is also that OP is deliberately creating drama here. The ex has asked a simple question because she wants to ensure her children are not missing out. All OPs DH needs to do is say, “Tikkytak had an inheritance / received money from parents”. Instead he is being deliberately vague and no doubt winding the ex up. Which I think OP is enjoying.

MsCactus · Yesterday 12:42

I completely agree with this - and on that basis I think OP is being unreasonable.

Also, I've never been in a blended family situation so happy to be corrected - but surely the new partners wealth and earnings would be taken into account?

What if the ex wife married a billionaire? And ex H had more kids? Surely his payments would go down - in which case she is entitled to know about your financial situation too.

And my final point is that child maintenance is for the kids, not the ex. Bizarre to me that people keep making out "he's having to pay HER".

No, he's paying for his kids. As is she.

What a festering pile of naive, uninformed brain-dung this is.

And you are the very definition of classy.

Thanks 😊 I do like to know about a subject matter before brain-farting my ignorant opinion over all and sundry with inane drivel 🤷

Well, your "knowledge" is clearly limited if you can only express yourself analogies based in poo and farts.

I’m afraid that’s because it was a commentary on what I was reading.

Dp can say it's your money and not divulge further

She’s a prick and needs to tell her to wind her neck in.

Tell her (and him if necessary) to Fuck. Right. Off.

I fail to see how the OP is creating drama. Her medical and financial information is her own business and no one else's regardless of who they've had children with. The ex wife has been told it's not his money, she doesn't need to know anything else, she's the one creating drama by not backing off or just going to CMS and be done with it. OP stay strong, you have the right to your privacy.

I’ve said you are being unreasonable but only because I think you’re making your life more difficult with her. She does sound hard work however I can understand her point of view. If my ex suddenly spent lots of money, I’d be wondering where the money came from because of it was his money then the maintenance should be increased. Could he not tell her you’ve had some inheritance and leave it at that?

The ex is making life difficult.

She asked and was given an answer. The fact that she doesn’t believe it, is her problem. Ha

She can go to the CMS if she really thinks she is entitled to more. She can follow that route if she is so convinced.

The fact that she isn’t shows it’s more likely to be simply nosiness.

I guess it depends how much he is paying in the first place.

If a father is already providing well for his kids but then comes into money himself, it's up to him if he pays more.

If he's only paying £10 a week, then it's a bit different!

Why should the OP or her DH explain further. If ex is so concerned she can go to the CMS who will complete a calculation and act accordingly. Hell would freeze over before I divulge any personal financial affairs (or health) to my husbands ex.

People feel so entitled these days.

My ex is difficult. The way for your DH to deal with this is NO RESPONSE. Don’t explain, don’t justify, just do not comment. The avalanche of demands won’t stop but at least he avoids getting tangled up in her web.

It’s absolutely none of her business. I’m sure I’ve read somewhere though, that financial information for the new partner (you) can be requested, if you are living together and this may affect maintenance.

Again not for child support. Legally if a married person moves in with their partner and the financial order/divorce not finalised the new partners income and assets can be taken into account to ensure a fair distribution of marital assets as long as they've been living together 6 months or more. When I say that I mean Mr moves in with new partner. The fact he has already secured new housing will potentially mean he receives less from the sale of the former marital home. That kind of thing, NOT child support.

Maintenance would be increased through the CMS if he had a pay rise.

Anything else is none of your greedy business.

Thank you for clarifying. I’ve never been in that situation, so I’ve never had to look into it. It’s always good to know in case of a ‘what if?’ situation.

I’ve been in your position for 20 odd years. At the start, DH’s ex took him to Court in her attempt to deny him access to his DC. For example, a seemingly innocuous conversation between DH and ex’s new partner about DH’s car model, resulted in his petrol usage being brought into question at Court by ex on the basis that DH’s round trip of 1000 miles to see his DC didn’t cost the amount DH said.

My point is, do not underestimate the grabby hands of some exes sense of entitlement to your partner’s money. You will know yourself there is a fine line as to what you tell, but I would say that it is best to say it’s inheritance rather than eg a pay rise as a pay rise can be used to make your DH pay more. Or say it is redundancy money as that doesn’t count either. She can go to the CSA at any point to request more if she feels there’s a shortfall. Don’t say anything about the compensation, as you say, none of her business.

I don’t understand why your DH just doesn’t say he doesn’t want to discuss further? Nobody is holding him down to have to tell her!

have you ever thought she knew asking would piss you off, she clearly knows that your DH sings to her tune. It doesn’t take rocket science to know this will most likely cause a disagreement to you both.

he naturally wants to tell her to try and get her off his back, you understandably don’t want her to know.. it’s personal and your well within your right!

tell him to send a simple message with you sat with him saying “the money isn’t mine, I don’t want to hear anymore about this situation now please” if she mentions it again he literally just ignores her🤷‍♀️?

if she tries mentioning the child in the sentence I.e “Zack has football on Sunday he needs dropping off, btw where did you get all the money from I think I deserve more” your DH would reply “no worries, I’ll drop Zack off no problem! Thanks for letting me know”

don’t engage in it! She’s after the drama, she’s after causing problems between you both, don’t pander to it.

How does he prioritise his ex? He ensures his children are taken care of and tries to maintain peace with their mother. How is that "prioritising" the ex?

Use his phone, say it’s you of course and just say…my financials are my business, no one else’s and certainly not yours. You’re badgering of Ex H regarding money, my money ends here!

When DH was paying CMS (around 20 years ago), it was different - my wages weren’t directly taken in to account, but because we lived together his personal allowance was effectively reduced as housing costs were shared. I can’t remember how it worked exactly, but I had to provide all my details to CMS. When we had our first DS, his CMS payments didn’t reduce, but they did slightly when we had DS2.

"My wife has savings"