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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:12

Why would I care about the "stress" of her having to check with CMS? She's never given a shit about putting us under any stress in the past. She's asked him, he's told her. If she doesn't believe him she can go ahead and contact CMS to put her mind at ease.

Knowing her though I am certain it's less about the fact she thinks he's lying and more about the fact she just wants to be nosey and know where its come from.

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 21/12/2023 11:13

It’s nor her business. He needs to tell her to go to the CMS if she has an issue but he isn’t telling her.

Original poster
tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:14

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:12

It's none of her business so you've no obligation to tell her beyond him explaining it isn't his money.

But I don't like your implication that he's being amazing for supporting his own kids or that if she went through CMS then "she" would come out with less. That money is for their children.

When did I say he was amazing for supporting his children? I gave the facts that he pays maintenance more than what the calculator suggests after coming to a private arrangement. I didn't say anything more than that. Nor did I say he'd pay her less if she went to CMS. But she would see that she wasn't entitled to more, because he hasn't had a payrise, like he's already told her.

OP posts:
Brightandbubly · 21/12/2023 11:16

He needs to tell her it’s not his money, it isn’t her business to know anything more than that and he won’t be discussing it any further. End of

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:18

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:14

When did I say he was amazing for supporting his children? I gave the facts that he pays maintenance more than what the calculator suggests after coming to a private arrangement. I didn't say anything more than that. Nor did I say he'd pay her less if she went to CMS. But she would see that she wasn't entitled to more, because he hasn't had a payrise, like he's already told her.

Show quote history

Then let her. Your husband won't reduce the payments just because CMS allows it, so no problem there.

If she really is so demanding, your husband has to deal with it because the relationship is between them.

mottytotty · 21/12/2023 11:20

We have the DC 3 nights per week and he pays maintenance over the calculator amount as per a private arrangement they came to.

She's a chancing twat, OP. I would let her go via CMS for maintenance as punishment for being nosy. Would DH do that?

mottytotty · 21/12/2023 11:22

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:10

It wouldn't achieve anything, but why put her through all that stress? Your DP can just tell her the source of the extra cash with no further details. It's really not that hard.

Show quote history

It's none of her business that OP has had money come in. It's really not that hard for ex to mind her own business.

Wheresthebeach · 21/12/2023 11:23

Your DH needs to stand his ground. I’m afraid I’d tell her ‘if you don’t believe me go to CMS - but what they award is what I will pay. I’ve told you it’s not my money - if you want to assume I’m a liar then you can live with the consequences’

mottytotty · 21/12/2023 11:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2023 11:05

Playing secret squirrels is creating drama, surely. Why can’t he just tell her your parents gave you some money?

I’m sure if this were switched about, and the ex wife was posting about her ex husband flashing the cash, refusing to say where it came from, but not contributing anything extra to his DC, there would be plenty of posters advising that she get CMS to recalculate his maintenance because he was obviously hiding an increase in earnings.

Edited

Even if OP's DH got the inheritance, the ex wouldn't be entitled to be more more money.

If the ex doesn't trust her ex to be honest, she needs to go via CMS.

But ex most likely has already calculated how much she would get via CMS and has realised she's better off with a direct arrangment with her ex, and is now grasping for more.

She has almost a 50/50 arrangment with her ex, it's not like he sees them once a week.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2023 11:24

Can he not just tell her, ‘Tikkytakk has received some money but we’re not willing to disclose where from. It is not joint money though,’ I can totally understand not wanting to tell her it’s compensation or disclose early inheritance, but making it clear it’s money you have received does make sense if she is thinking it’s indicative of a payrise on his side.

XmasPartyhat · 21/12/2023 11:25

As always is the case on MN, your ex isn't actually the problem here.

The problem is that your DH has no boundaries with his ex and prioritises her over you.

Stop complaining about her and direct your anger to the source.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 21/12/2023 11:26

Wheresthebeach · 21/12/2023 11:23

Your DH needs to stand his ground. I’m afraid I’d tell her ‘if you don’t believe me go to CMS - but what they award is what I will pay. I’ve told you it’s not my money - if you want to assume I’m a liar then you can live with the consequences’

Excellent advice, @Wheresthebeach - I was coming on here to say something similar, but you said it better and before me Xmas Grin

wronginalltherightways · 21/12/2023 11:26

I'd actually be blunt, personally, and tell her the money is yours and a loved one had to die for you to receive it. Is there anything else she feels she deserves to know? Hard stare.

BobLemon · 21/12/2023 11:26

I’ve got a DH with a similar ExW. I recall the time she told us that she had a right to know if we were TTC.

Luckily, my DH has zero time for her and a thick skin. He communicates with her the absolute minimum and would always preserve my privacy, no matter the level of badgering and threats. 9 years later, the energy she puts into wanting to know our business hasn’t waned. It’s like it’s an ingrained habit.

ToWonderWhyIBother · 21/12/2023 11:27

If it were me I would take great delight in texting her and telling her the money you were asking about was mine not related in anyway to DH and as such that is all that I will be saying on the matter. Any further asking will be met with mind your own business.

Pluviophile1 · 21/12/2023 11:27

It is none of her business.

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:29

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:12

Why would I care about the "stress" of her having to check with CMS? She's never given a shit about putting us under any stress in the past. She's asked him, he's told her. If she doesn't believe him she can go ahead and contact CMS to put her mind at ease.

Knowing her though I am certain it's less about the fact she thinks he's lying and more about the fact she just wants to be nosey and know where its come from.

ok, so if you are so defiant about this, what is the point of this thread?

You know what you want to do

squirrelnutkin10 · 21/12/2023 11:29

He needs to tell her it’s not his money and he won’t discuss it further.

This ^

mottytotty · 21/12/2023 11:30

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:29

ok, so if you are so defiant about this, what is the point of this thread?

You know what you want to do

Show quote history

Because some of us agree with OP.

She can post whatever she likes, you're not the thread police.

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 11:30

It could just as easily be purchases on credit.

if you told her it was a lottery win, or inheritance as someone else has suggested, she would only want more details.

Your ex should just say “your maintenance won’t be affected and this isn’t of concern to you.” And leave it at that.

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:32

mottytotty · 21/12/2023 11:30

Because some of us agree with OP.

She can post whatever she likes, you're not the thread police.

Show quote history

Lady calm down

Well done for agreeing with her. Have a cookie as a treat. Feel better? Good

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 21/12/2023 11:33

"It's not my money. It's not your business. If you are unhappy with what I'm paying, feel free to take it up with CMS. I will not be discussing it with you further." Rinse and repeat.

PhulNana · 21/12/2023 11:33

GabriellaMontez · 21/12/2023 10:50

He needs to grow a pair. I appreciate this will be difficult at first. But who does he want to keep happy ? You or her?

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. OP has had all that trouble, and compensation for it, and a family gift, and ex tries to get her hooks into it, and all he can do is try to placate her. I'd be wondering about this relationship long term. And medium term. And short term!!!

Spinet · 21/12/2023 11:37

I think that your dislike of her is clouding your judgement. Completely understandable. However imagine she's a normal non-grabby person and she sees her kids' dad splashing the cash. She would still want to make sure her kids weren't missing out on something they were entitled to.

You have an easy way of nipping this in the bud. You don't have to tell her the details, but letting her know the money is yours from your parents and /or a policy that matured would make it stop. You certainly don't have to be nice about it but this stubborn 'i don't have to so I won't' attitude will just inflame things to a height that will be annoying for you to deal with. Your life will be easier if you just tell her.

Yoyoban · 21/12/2023 11:38

I don't know why you wouldn't just tell her your parent gave you some money. It answers the question without divulging any personal information. The more you try to obfuscate the more you look like there's something to hide.