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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad going above and beyond?

204 replies

Tadah2 · 21/12/2023 09:32

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

OP posts:
Richie23 · 21/12/2023 09:36

He looked after his newborn child for a couple of hours? Nope not above and beyond, just parenting.

Mabelface · 21/12/2023 09:37

Yup, he's being a parent, contribution to looking after children and the household. This is the least I'd expect, and did when my kids were small. He's not doing anything special.

2mummies1baby · 21/12/2023 09:39

He's being utterly ridiculous. He is doing basic parenting of his own children- he doesn't deserve a bloody award.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 21/12/2023 09:39

😂😂😂 men. How ridiculous of him to think that.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 09:40

what did you say when you stopped laughing at him?

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 09:40

tennesseewhiskey1 · 21/12/2023 09:39

😂😂😂 men. How ridiculous of him to think that.

😂

Octonaut4Life · 21/12/2023 09:41

If that's him going above and beyond then what on earth is he like normally?

PBandJ111 · 21/12/2023 09:41

What a prat! He’s an idiot.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 09:43

I mean .how inflated is his ego that he actually thought this ? and not only do you have 2 young children you are "there thereing" him so he isn't upset he should feel silly then have a bloody word with himself.

crumblingschools · 21/12/2023 09:44

If that is being above and beyond, what does he think is the level of parenting required to be a normal dad and not special, because he must be looking at a very low bar?

Original poster
Tadah2 · 21/12/2023 09:47

Oh I’m glad you all agree, from his reaction I was second guessing myself. He comes from a military family and his Dad was away a lot, so I think that may skew his view. His job also one where there is a lot of hierarchy and self importance (he is at the top). Those working with him hype him up a lot on how much he is a ‘hands on Dad’ considering his position.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 21/12/2023 09:50

I can sort of see where your DH is coming from, while I wouldn’t say he went above and beyond at all, if I were you, given the fact that he then had to spend a few hours afterwards on his paid work, I would have said thanks, or given him a hug or something. But I’d also expect appreciate for what I do.

In our house, whether I was working/on maternity leave or a SAHM, when we were both in the house, everything was a team effort but I did try to get most of the household chores done during the day.

Your DH possibly grew up in a home where his Mum did everything house related so he may know no better! We see it all the time in Mumsnet where the DH/DP expects his DW/DP do everything child and house related, whether a SAHM or working outside the hime.

Dotcheck · 21/12/2023 09:50

If that is above and beyond, perhaps you needs to have a discussion about what ‘baseline’ is.
I would imagine that at the very least, you each attend to one child in the evening to get them in bed. Bare minimum for him.
Surely this uselessness isn’t a new thing though?

Before you go back to work, it may be a good idea to ask what he imagines his role to be on a day to day basis.

LightDrizzle · 21/12/2023 09:51

YANBU.

It’s being a decent dad. He’s not going above and beyond.

Two of our client facing professional colleagues who are very highly paid and are revenue drivers for the business have become fathers in recent years. Both have periods of looking knackered because of course after they go back after paternity leave, once they finish work they are straight into bedtime routines etc. One of them at least does the cooking on an evening which is pretty normal amongst friends too. Nobody in the business thinks they go above and beyond, it’s just to be expected and there are jokes about them looking shattered sometimes but neither have had performance related issues at work. Both would be quick to acknowledge that their wives have it much tougher acknowledging the “break” they get when at work in a technically demanding, client facing job!

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/12/2023 09:52

I'd turn it back on him - does he think you go "above and beyond" as a mother? If he says no then point out that you spend significantly more time with the kids than he does so if you're just adequate why does he deserve a medal for doing much less?

Original poster
Tadah2 · 21/12/2023 09:56

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/12/2023 09:52

I'd turn it back on him - does he think you go "above and beyond" as a mother? If he says no then point out that you spend significantly more time with the kids than he does so if you're just adequate why does he deserve a medal for doing much less?

I did turn this on him, and he said when I wake every 45 mins through the night so he can work that is above and beyond. So he thinks sometimes I do go above and beyond as a mother and his example is where is thought he went above and beyond…

OP posts:
Original poster
Tadah2 · 21/12/2023 09:57

Sunnydays0101 · 21/12/2023 09:50

I can sort of see where your DH is coming from, while I wouldn’t say he went above and beyond at all, if I were you, given the fact that he then had to spend a few hours afterwards on his paid work, I would have said thanks, or given him a hug or something. But I’d also expect appreciate for what I do.

In our house, whether I was working/on maternity leave or a SAHM, when we were both in the house, everything was a team effort but I did try to get most of the household chores done during the day.

Your DH possibly grew up in a home where his Mum did everything house related so he may know no better! We see it all the time in Mumsnet where the DH/DP expects his DW/DP do everything child and house related, whether a SAHM or working outside the hime.

I did thank him at that time :) and he appreciated that, but he wants to acknowledge and appreciate that it is above and beyond.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 21/12/2023 09:58

^ I’m talking here about while their wives are on mat leave, once they’ve gone back to work there’s also the juggling of childcare drop-offs and pick-ups etc. that are of course shared.

Both the colleagues I’m referencing have professional wives but do probably earn at least 3 times their wife’s full time equivalent earnings just because of the field and nature of the job. Their job is not more demanding, just better remunerated.

Original poster
Tadah2 · 21/12/2023 10:00

LightDrizzle · 21/12/2023 09:51

YANBU.

It’s being a decent dad. He’s not going above and beyond.

Two of our client facing professional colleagues who are very highly paid and are revenue drivers for the business have become fathers in recent years. Both have periods of looking knackered because of course after they go back after paternity leave, once they finish work they are straight into bedtime routines etc. One of them at least does the cooking on an evening which is pretty normal amongst friends too. Nobody in the business thinks they go above and beyond, it’s just to be expected and there are jokes about them looking shattered sometimes but neither have had performance related issues at work. Both would be quick to acknowledge that their wives have it much tougher acknowledging the “break” they get when at work in a technically demanding, client facing job!

That is really useful to know, as all I hear is how everyone at his work thinks he does so much - makes me feel a little deflated like I’m not doing enough…. But I do 100% do the majority

OP posts:
KombuchaKalling · 21/12/2023 10:04

All very standard. Definitely not above and beyond.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2023 10:10

his people at work are just blowing smoke up his rear he's clearly just lapping it up, all that praise and adoration and power/money must do stupid things to people and its coming out as this nonsense with your husband !

thedementedelf · 21/12/2023 10:11

I wouldn't have been able to stop laughing if dh said that.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 21/12/2023 10:18

You are on maternity leave and have cleaners. Your husband works long hours.
And we have only heard your side of the story. That offends the first principle of natural justice. - Hear the other side

If you are intending to rely on the wisdom of MN on this issue, you are being entirely unreasonable. That offends the second principle of natural justice - No one should be a Judge in their own cause.

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2023 10:18

My DH cooks most nights, does school runs, has taken on some household admin after I said I was doing too much, does weekend kids activities, cleans, does bedtimes and plays with kids.

He would say he’s an equal partner and what he does should be typical.

However he doesn’t earn mega bucks (but still very good money) so doesn’t have lots of work pressure.

Nevermind31 · 21/12/2023 10:20

Ask him whose chores these are that he considers looking after his own child going beyond simple parenting?

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