Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

Are you serious?!? He sat and cuddled his sleeping newborn for a couple of hours and he’s suggesting that’s the same as waking up every 45 minutes - seriously?!
he can’t hear how bloody ridiculous that sounds as he sits there waiting for his Blue Peter Badge?!

Stop the world I want to get off. Literal torture is now the same as a newborn snuggle…I’m out.

OP.
On the specifics I agree with you.

However on a side subject - you're on maternity leave from a well paid job, with two velcro babies... I'd say that you need to think about how to sort out that last bit, and ideally actually sort it out before you go back to work.
Otherwise there's a non nil probability of this scenario - you're absolutely wrecked both working and dealing with velcro babies. You eventually pack in your job. You're full of resentment to your DH and your relationship suffers, eventually breaking down.
Not a certainty, surely, but have seen enough such cases on MN for this to be a possibility...
Start sleep training, get a nanny or both (if you can afford it) - sooner rather than later. And don't feel guilty - people had velcro babies in the past but they didn't let it break them, they just made sure they didn't become velcro toddlers.

He clearly thinks you go above & beyond so this isn't a self centred view. My guess is it's just about putting off well paid work (ie wouldn't have entered his mind otherwise).
I wouldn't have framed it that way but can see both your points of view.
The only thing I don't get is cleaning up for the cleaners👀
guessing 2 cleaners...couldn't 15mins extra sort it so your not so knackered?
Just a thought.

Why do you tidy up ahead of the cleaners? Surely they come to clean up? Yes, I do know, of course, but if you have a breastfed baby feeding on demand the house can be let go a bit, I think. DH not going above and beyond - mind, my ex-DH once looked after a breastfed son for an hour while I went (on foot) to buy a new nursing bra and thought he was the bees' knees - but doing much as one would expect if he wished to be helpful. He could have put DC1 to bed instead. He doesn't need a reward for basic parenting.

Of course his actions were not "above and beyond". I agree with the previous commenters. However, there is one thing I find disheartening. I am 55 years old. I am surprised to see younger couples, who are young enough to have newborns, still struggling with these issues. I have children from 17-33. I did not deal with this foolishness from either of my husbands. The babies/children were the responsibility of both parents, and it was all hands on deck. I am so sad that the misogynistic attitudes still persists with younger men.

It's annoying now, but imagine when you go back to work 😕

YANBU.
He's not being above and beyond.
He's behaving like a child who wants reward just for doing what's expected from him

Can you imagine going to work, doing your job then turning to your colleague and saying “I’ve gone above and beyond today”. The arrogance of it 😂.

I'd be having a conversation in the first instance with your cleaners and what is their expectations of what they have to do, now there is two young children in the house. If they come weekly, then perhaps spread across a month what it is you want done in your home. Both of you may well be surprised at their responses (hopefully). Having had one velcro baby maybe lessons can be learnt from that to stop the same behaviour happening with second as this can't be good for your own wellbeing and will cause unnecessary anxiety. There are swaddling baby sleeping pads which may help with training - Google baby sleeping bags. If your husband is from a military background, could be he's the one driving the necessity to clean before the cleaners come albeit most people with cleaners seem to do that anyway for some unknown reason :) Lastly, if his work is being affected in that he then has to stay up until midnight to catch-up, that isn't good and cannot be sustained in the longer term as most likely he will end up missing something that may be important workwise which could be detrimental to you both overall. It sounds very much like he is trying, not necessarily the best at communicating therefore, his logic seems harsh. Only you can see behind those words and work with him rather than see his view as being you thinking he doesn't do enough. Could be you are both just worn out at the minute so now is not the time really to be questioning each other. Start with your cleaners if that is the most pressing issue and work from there.

By God, he has a long way to go. This is an example of a Dad going above and beyond: x.com/historyinmemes/status/1690899329211359232?s=46&t=6HjddFA0VzWV68g9lOKOOA

When my lovely friends worthless partner left her just before she delivered their baby, she had to go back to work earlier than she wanted. She used to do her client facing stuff, go and pick up the baby and do the evening routine, then when the baby was asleep, she would finish her work. She never even commented on having the work like this, it was just what she had to do. Your DH is seriously deluded and having a diddums moment. I hope you show him this thread.

sorry, a lot of responses, thank you.

I have discussed this with him and things have improved so, from my side, I am happier. He accepts that he didn’t go ‘above and beyond’ (not language I use day to day FYI). He improved over Christmas and things have been better.

On the velcro babies, I’ve tried everything. If I put DC2 down she cries until she projectile vomits. Same with my first, no amount of swaddling, comforting, patting or putting my hand on them every time 5/10/15 mins helps. Trust me, I tried it all with the first and again with the second. Unless you’ve gone through it you can’t understand it. I’ve just learnt to go with it, all babies are different. Mine are just very clingy, it doesn’t last forever. It’s bloody hard, but it’s our choice to have babies, and I don’t want them to be distressed to the point of vomiting.

On the cleaners, generally, our cleaners clean and I will tidy. They wouldn’t necessarily know where everything goes (kids toys, keys, washing etc). So I’ve always tidied before they come round. Maybe we should look at a housekeeper, but once DC2 passes the velcro stage, it should be better :).

I am on maternity leave, I am a partner in a boutique law firm. I cannot give up this role easily, as I am a large shareholder. I do work hard in my role and I wouldn’t give it up. He does earn more than me, but I have a much better work life balance. I do appreciate the responses, as it has helped. I’ll close this thread now though, but thanks all!

My velcro baby DC number 2 is still velcro at 8years old 😂

I used a sling with her when she was a baby into toddlerhood.

A housekeeper would be better, or if you like your current cleaner, ask if she's prepared to do light housekeeping duties instead, you may have to pay a little more.

Oh poor love; he’s definitely delusional; if you’d said he’d watch Dc2 cleaned the whole house; done the laundry;(without colouring everything pink or blue) ironed everything; cooked a fabulous meal & given you a full body massage; I’d have said yeah he’d gone a bit above & beyond but watching little one for a while😂😂😂 nope that’s called being a daddy normal day to day parenting duties; but if like you say his father was away for long periods of his childhood he has no benchmark to work from so you’ve got some teaching to do xx

Wow… he did the bare minimum required to pass as a parent, shall we all congratulate him for wiping his own arse too?

Agree, so sad. It's as if women fighting for equal rights never happened. I too thought that parenting was shared. When I discovered that my ex-DH thought staying at home with the DCs was easy street and he wanted his turn to work from home (DCs now at school and DS a teenager) so he could have tit for tat it finished the marriage.

Hahahaha

Mine are now 2 and almost 6 and I still act like I deserve a medal of honour if I need to put both to bed because he's out for some reason (jokingly to be clear)

I bath, change and feed the 2 yr old to sleep and put her down. While I'm doing that DH plays or builds Lego with the bigun, makes him supper, baths him and if wee one has stayed asleep and all is well we take turns actually getting our bigun to sleep (ADHD so it's a trial every time)

Then oh walks the dog and loads the dishwasher and if everyone's stayed asleep I have a tidy, it's often 11pm by then. Then I go to bed because wee one gets up during the night still a d often so does bigun.

That's an ordinary nightly routine and he works in a highly paid, high responsibility job as do I. Your oh is doing basic parenting.

Has anybody posted this song yet!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pfltmHtqdzM&pp=ygUVWW91cmUgc3VjaCBhIGdvb2QgZGFk

@Tadah2 if DH were to take a job with no out-of-office hours responsibilities so he could do half of the housework & half of the childcare, what would the salary drop be compared to now?

As a team, whatever that equates to in post-tax income should be what goes into the household pot to cover evening mother's help/housekeeper/nanny etc to do the parenting work he wants to contract out of.

If he's not going to do one child every night & an equal split of cooking, cleaning & mental load, that needs to convert into monetary value.

Perhaps not completely 50/50 while you're on mat leave, but he's laying the ground to be a long term chocolate teapot.

There seem to be far too many 'big important' men with big important man jobs that stop them being equal parents, yet seem perfectly happy to pocket the cash or buy the next fancy car rather than actually part with the cash they've earned in their non-parenting time to pay for the parenting work to be done.

You're a lawyer - get your contract head ok & make it work ;)

Oooft sounds exactly like my partner. Doesn’t outright say it but expects tit for tat. I.e. I put toddler to bed yesterday so it’s your turn etc Eh I put DS to bed for the first 2.5 years of his life and am also pregnant so maybe you could just do that?! Have also suggested downsizing the job but has not been met with much enthusiasm. It’s almost as though the bigger the job the more entitled they feel. Have now just started handing over a bill at the end of every month for services rendered (nightshifts and hazard pay (pregnancy) at time and a half). Enjoying the extra cash and has equalised the playing field greatly. Anything I do above 36 hours a week is charged for 😂

You need to employ the services of a sleep consultant tbh.

Parenting his own children ISN'T doing you a favour!! He needs to wake up to the fact that two kids are harder than one and for a while, it's all hands on deck.

@Tadah2 Glad he came to his senses. We all say stupid things from time to time. I had a Velcro baby too, so I get it. Sounds like you are both doing a great job. ☺️

I see your dilemma, you appreciate these things, but they are not above and beyond, they're just making a contribution.

Ask him if he is part of the team? At work and at home? then remind him there is no I in team. He may be "Mr Golden Balls" in work then remind him you have seen them !! At they definitely are not.