Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

Exactly the same stuff my (extremely high-earning) ex husband used to come out with.

Just wait until he tells you that you don't respect him enough!

It's funny, but the older me nowadays would never put up with him back then ... if that makes sense. I remember he looked after our baby daughter (now 22!) at home for a week or two while we had childcare issues. I had just returned to work after mat leave.

He went on about that for years!!

I’m going against the grain and saying you are a bit unreasonable and slightly mean if I’m honest. If he turned round and said the same thing about you, you’d probably be devastated. You have a cleaner, so you already have it slightly easier than other moms. What if he used that to say he felt you didn’t ‘go above and beyond’ because you do less than others or you do only basic things. No reason to be so hostile towards him, men have feelings to and you have probably hurt his and made it worse by coming on here for validation.

YANBU, that's just normal parenting and adulting

There is no comparison between getting interrupted sleep on a regular basis and catching up with work until midnight when you're well rested.

Torturers stop people sleeping for a reason, they don't make people write a report or finish their time sheet.

He's pathetic asking for extra praise for holding a baby for a couple of hours. I'd do that for pleasure. It's different when you're doing it 24/7.

In my experience many men feel their slightest effort should be highly praised.

Yanbu

He ibu for thinking he needs a prize for doing some parenting

I wonder if those saying that the husband is not unreasonable have missed that he just held the baby while the OP cleaned.

I misread at first and thought you meant your Dad. But you mean the baby's dad, he's being ridiculous 😂

Ignore this pp.

My DH is a high flying, multiple business owning main provider. I’ve worked both PT and FT with our three DC. Eldest DC is an adult. I studied at Uni whilst also working PT when eldest DC was 3. I currently work school hours, 4 days pw. I mainly WFH commuting 45 mins to the Office one day pw of my choosing, most weeks. My role is pressured and I often work outside of my contracted PT hours.

DH does AM school runs for our youngest DC. I do most of the PM school runs. DH does the PM school run 1-2 pw to take DC3 to two different extra curricular sports activities, including on the weekend. DH did all the AM school runs with DC2 when I was on mat leave with DC3. I took one year of mat leave for each DC. We’ve never done 50/50 re. childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc but DH is able to see what needs doing around the house and does it if it’s obvious that I’m too busy or I can’t do it. We don’t have a cleaner as I prefer not to and we’re a ‘clean up as we go along‘ family. Our children (girls and boy) have always had age appropriate chores. We outsource our gardening.

DH has always tried to spend as much time as possible with our DC. He’s taken them abroad with him on 1-5 day business trips during school holidays, whilst I’ve stayed at home working, including when I was on mat leave. We’ve all gone on business trips together as a family, with us both working remotely abroad and then doing fun family things during the weekday evenings and weekends whilst abroad.
DH takes DC out with him when he’s doing various errands (shops, dump runs, visiting family, hair cuts, etc) not only to spend quality time with DC, but to also give me some me-time to get things done without me having to look after our DC. I use this time to shop alone, attend a hobby/class, meet up with friends, exercise, walk in nature alone, cinema alone, etc. DH and one DC also train together in the same sport which means they spend even more time together.

DH worked abroad Mon - Fri on and off for several years and was still involved in family life on the weekends.

DH has never complained about spending time with our children and has never ever referred to going above and beyond in his role as a Father.

Ladies - Please set the bar much higher, for yourselves, your children and generations to come (for society to evolve). This misognistic nonsense has to stop.

The OP last replied to this thread 10days ago. Imagine what mind blowing, exemplary feats this bloke has accomplished since then. Perhaps lifted a finger for 10 minutes..maybe held his kid for a few more minutes so that the actual functional parent could do more chores. Phenomenal 😄

Jesus Christ get the man a knighthood. He looked after his own kid for a bit.

He's doing what a decent man does - pulling his weight.

Obviously if he was in office hours then I wouldn't have expected him to do the cleaning right then, but if he's on call 24/7 I would. I would also expect him to do it after he finished work if you were still busy with the other child.

Is this literally how oy example of doing childcare or housework so hence him thinking his testicales are now the size of Hercules'?

I'd point out that what he should be telling his colleagues is that what he does is enough, and his colleagues need to do more. Let him be an example to them

I'd say a Dad looking his kid and doing the housework is a good sad in the same way a Mom looking after a baby and doing the housework is being a good mom - basically meeting minimum standards. Child is looked after and effort made to .ake their living environment cleaner and tidier. Not neglectful would be sitting on his arse and making sure nothing bad happened to the kids but not doing anything. The lowest parenting skills go is good.

And having done a back search I am 100% certain he made christmas miserable for op.

Oh hang on I think I misread your op.

So, one night, as you put the eldest to bed AND cleaned the house, he put off "being important" to watch telly whilst he held the baby koala because you couldn't clean and hold the baby?

And he thinks THIS is going above and beyond? Watching the telly with a sleeping kid on him? Jesus that's be the highlight of my day as a SAHM with a 10 mo and a toddler!!

I take it all back. He's being a self important arse.

I'd have been more impressed if he'd told you, sit and cuddle the baby and I'll clean up and put big one to bed. Have a rest, I know how exhausted you sre

Im also hoping the same, that the women who think he is a good dad misread the post and think he was tidying and cleaning.

but sadly, i think so many women on mumsnet have such appallingly low standards for men, they think a man who isnt abusive is good.

Do you have any links to these studies?

given the fact that he then had to spend a few hours afterwards on his paid work, I would have said thanks, or given him a hug or something

You'd have given him a hug for sittng in front of the TV holding his baby?

I misread. O thought he'd held the baby and cleaned. I wondered why he could do that but op found she couldn't do both. Then I saw someone else's message and realised HE LET HER CLEAN UP AND PUT THE BIG ONE TO BED WHILST HE SAT AND SNUGGLED A SLEEPING BABY IN FRONT OF THE TELLY

Umm, so he was giving himself an annual appraisal with 360 feedback from his colleagues?

Can you set him some stretch goals for the year ahead? He too could learn how to wake every 45 minutes, he has a mentor right there in the house.

Nope not above and beyond. Where do men get these ideas. My husband is the same fyi. I remind him some men work 2 or 3 jobs to provide for their families so cry me a river.
I guess I went above and beyond the other day by filling the car up with petrol.

He was literally holding a sleeping baby while watching the cricket while she ran around and did everything else on no sleep, and he wanted to be praised for going above and beyond. Unfortunately, this is nothing new for this man, but OP now appears to be so exhausted and worn down by his self-importance and self-validation that she is having to question her own sanity in his need to be praised:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4801229-should-i-leave?postsby=Tadah2

DH works long hours in a good job to keep the family in a lovely house, then helps look after the kids.
OP is on "mat leave" and has brought up "velcro" kids.
Maybe DH will start his own thread?

This should be his norm. The fact he thinks looking after his own child for a couple of hours makes him a hero shows how little he does as a father and even less as a partner who supports you. He's at least honest that he works for the money and glory, most men like this claim they do it for their families which is a lie. Gently point out to him what little time he spends with you and the kids and how many men like him end up with lots of money but are divorced and have no relationship with their kids. Ask him why he wanted to marry you and have kids if his sole object in life is to work and make more money. He needs to learn balance and to support you. At the moment you are a working single mum of 2 including a newborn. Your job is 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you don't get a break unless he steps up and becomes a husband and father because he's neither at the moment.

It seems to me that there are two entirely separate issues here.

(1) Whether 2 hours of looking after your own kid deserves an award. No, clearly no.

(2) The overall balance of work vs housework / childcare that you both do. IMHO it is possible that one partner does so much work that a "fair split" involves the other partner doing the vast majority of housework and childcare. Obviously this should be a matter for both of you to discuss and agree, not for him to dictate. If he is working 16 hour days because he want to, and he brings in lots of money (not all of which you need), then the issue here is that he is choosing to work not help, when you would rather he helped not worked.