Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

I think people with this attitude need reward stickers.

This is so embarrassing. I can't stand apologists for shit male behaviour. Get a grip of yourself.

Yes @strawberrysea that posters username is appropriate. Only a hot mess would genuinely believe that men’s dicks block chores and drudgery from their line of vision. The poster should just admit she fully indulges the patriarchy, misogyny and putting shit men before her self respect. Mortifying.
Is Man Brain in the room with us, @Hotmessmum ? 🥴

What a man 😂
My husband worked and I didn't when DS was little... I would do all night wakings and hubby would get up every morning at 5am and take DS and let me sleep till 8 when I had to leave for work in 20mins and had to start getting ready. I never really had to worry about the house, he kept it all on order with the attitude "I look after you, you look after DS"
HV were amazed at how clean and tidy my house was 5 days after my C-section because my hubby did go above and beyond. But if you ask him, he was just doing his job as a dad and a husband.

evening all
without wanting to start a riot obviously the constant love I had for my children made it easy to do day-to-day chores. It was Work that got in the way. I never needed affirmation until separated. There was never an issue. One thing that is an issue now, I find it hard to have a life for my children without their mothers constant influence it’s damaged mine and my children’s relationships and at times including this Christmas I find myself backing away for fear of repercussions and resentment from the children. I had an amazing mother. Did not see this situation being part of my life.

Ok, dude. Wanna start your own thread, and be more clear?

@Tadah2 Bless you both. Being a SAHM with two littlies is hard especially if one needs a lot of time. Being a working parent is hard with two littlies even when your partner is at home.

My DH was at home and I worked in a v senior job at that time, sometimes I felt like I had done a lot some times he did. We were both right - it is a lot.

The hardest combo I saw was when my DB and DSIL both worked - v hard combo

The range of answers on here just underlines there is no right way and your husband's intent seem kind and decent - hold on to that and perhaps kindly give him some pointers as to what would be better

You should state all you do in a day for your family as a mother and ask if he thinks that is above and beyond!!!

I can’t see anything that a dad or mum could do as parent that I would class as above and beyond.

I’m not sure I’ve only just started using this forum. If my message caused offence, apologies in advance. I don’t understand your message.

Everyone at work probably thinks he “does so much” because of how he has portrayed it to them.. or they are kissing his arse.. or they are all men (or women) who have just as much concept of what being a parent entails as he does.

Don’t let it make you feel like you’re not doing enough. I can 100% guarantee that you most certainly are.

Some men just want to be mothered alongside the kids as well (not saying this is your partner), so anything they do outside of their own convenience they think they deserve a bloody Pride of Britain award, when in reality if you offered to wipe their arse for them they’d take you up on that too 😂

surely only if he is regularly doing more than 50% of childcare and sharing household tasks evenly could it be considered 'above and beyond'?

Yeah, I didn’t understand yours, either. You can start your own thread if you want replies about damaging your relationship with your kids or whatever.
(@PerturbedsingleDad)

Not above and beyond... but ...why

Are you sorting out the house ready for cleaners? Is that not why you employ them? .I think you're doing too much!

I'm pretty sure that the only bits I did understand from those posts is that we women are delicate emotional beings prone to being offended and rioting just because a man happens to post 🙄

Ok thanks for the advice.

And it’s a woman’s fault that he’s choosing to damage his relationship with his kids, of course. 🥱

Out of interest- how do you know that people at his work are always saying what a hands on Dad he is ? Is he telling you ?

I actually had to read your post a couple of times to work out what it was that he had done that was so special - which turned out to be looking after his own child ? Words fail me.

Two issues here really.

first is that your reasoning why you can’t do a, b, or c because dc2 gets unsettled just sounds unreal. I think you’ll find majority of women who have had more than one child can multitask. You just work through it. Dc2 will get used to people talking and movement in the sling. Saying This as a mum of three. I have done dishes, cooked, hoovers, done laundry etc with baby strapped to me. Breastfed and had toddler that needed feeding, read to, brought to nursery etc. you just let dc2 grizzle a bit and they’ll get used to it.

turning to issue 2, your husband telling you he goes above and beyond, do tell him it is no longer the 1950s and dad’s are expected to parent their children as well. You’re asking him to parent so as a couple things for the house can get done.

I'm not really sure why stuff that needs doing/has to be done is above and beyond! Does he want a chufty badge?

Why do you feel the need to tidy/get the house ready for..cleaners ?

Yanbu but at the same time I do commend him for putting aside his work to do it as I would a man or woman as it’s difficult not to ‘just reply quickly/hop in’ etc!!

I think what skews it is that a lot of men don't pull their weight so when a man spends every single hour of his day either working or looking after kids it is genuinely 'above and beyond' the norm.

Tbf, though, he can't have had much sleep if he only stopped working at midnight - what time does he get up? I'd imagine the next day was tough if he has a high pressure job where he has to make important decisions and seem on the ball etc rather than staying around the house and not having to deal with people.

I think it works both ways tbh. It's often a bit skewed on here where it's seen as incredibly tough to look after kids, when in reality I know a lot of women who have it much easier than their husbands, my sister included. They get to watch tv/nap while baby sleeps and do things like feed the ducks while their husbands are rushing around in high stress jobs all day.

I think when a lot of women say looking after kids 'is equivalent to a full time job' they're often referring to the job they had when they permanently gave up full time work in their 30s. Not the high pressure job their husband is doing ten years later which bears few similarities.

In my sister's case, her husband is MD for a large food supplier who deal with all the big supermarkets. He runs around like a headless chicken all day and is mega stressed. She claims he 'thrives off it' but it's actually quite clear he's harried/stressed as fuck all the time. He's even on call on xmas day and is doing work stuff on his laptop by the pool every single holiday.

She only works part time (kids are both at school now) and is still in the same low/middle management job she was in a decade ago. She thinks her contribution is equal but in truth she has it incredibly easy. Works two days a week but drives a brand new Merc, lives in a massive house, and spends what she wants when she wants.

I know this will probs ruffle some feathers and I'm playing devil's advocate a bit, but on here it's usually all about the poor martyr of a mother who sacrificed her mediocre career for the hardship of working part time whilst sharing a significant salary and enviable lifestyle facilitated by her husband's hard work.

What I find weird is that for all the talk of having sacrificed one's salary, many of these women don't seem all too desperate to get back to the ratrace once the kids are at school.

(Waiting for the obligatory "doesn't sound like you like her much"). 😂

I actually can't stop laughing! 😂😂
He thinks just holding his baby for a couple of hours is a big deal?! Just as one example, every Wednesday while I'm at work (I work 2 days per week as a teacher and we have childcare for the other day), my husband juggles taking care of our 19 month old whilst getting our 5 year old ready for school, drops the 5 and 11 year old off with toddler in tow. Then comes home and works his stressful job from home whilst managing toddler, naps, school runs, making dinner and everything else in between.

He works full time and I work part-time but he still does as much as he can to help. I get our baby ready for bed and out her to sleep while he deals with the 5 year old, then goes down to tidy up and clean the kitchen and living room, hoover all of downstairs. He'll then have a shower, wake me up and after over had a bath, make me a cuppa. This is every day for us and he has never talked himself up as doing anything spectacular. It's just family life.

Why don't you work full time?

The OP hasn’t bothered to reply to this thread for TEN days.

Just in case anyone wants save save themselves typing out paragraphs for no reason.