Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

When I wrote that I thought he'd been doing something active with the baby while simultaneously cleaning the house. I've since realised he sat on the sofa with the baby sleeping on him while he watched telly and she rushed round doing everything else.

Why do you pander to this bullshit? Telling him what a ‘great boy’ he is? Just ignore it! Sounds exhausting living with these men babies…

Good for him feeling silly for thinking doing his share makes him 'special'. DH used to boast all the fecking time about how he manfully took both DC out for lunch often (aka about three times) to give me 'a break' and how challenging it was with them both so small: one needed feeding and the other kept throwing things on the floor.

I got sick of this 'I'm such an amazing dad and husband' story in the end and pointed out very briskly that I dealt with this every single day, just without a waitress simultaneously serving me wine and pizza and clearing up the mess afterwards. In the end he got the message and stopped boasting about how magnificent he was.

He's got some ego hasn't he.

What he did isn't helping either, it's just plain old bog standard part of life. Him doing this isn't helping you because that means he, and you by the sound of it, thinks domestic/baby stuff is your responsibility. It's not.

It's not above and beyond, but normal stuff. My husband works and still helps me around the house, because he lives here too and I'm not a slave.

Going "beyond and above as a dad" sticks of male entitlement, misoginy and patriarchy conditioning, something in the lines of "a fathers job is ver limited when it comes to taking care of his own children".This man probably saw his mother do everything and thinks that's the way things work. Another man prioritising money, career and power over his own family needs and gaslighting the wife with 1950's values. Total stinker.

Going above and beyond as a dad would be to tackle the long hours culture in his organisation so all his staff can be present in their families lives.

I was thinking this was barely above and beyond if it was your Dad. His wanting a medal for holding one of his own children is pathetic. A&B would be him doing more than half of the parenting/house stuff even when you were recovered from birth and also sleeping well.

I suppose it is 'extra' to stuff you'd be doing in a childfree life. But it's pretty standard 'keeping the wheels on the wagon' with a toddler and baby around stuff... So I think it's stretching the definition of 'above and beyond' to claim it.

At least he credits you with this same effort... So he thinks it's special when it's normal but at least it applies to you too!

It does sound like he's bought into his own hype at work though, combined with skewed perceptions of what's normal from his father's example, means that if you aren't 'impressed' he feels like you aren't acknowledging that which he is rightfully due.

Which is tricky, as his expectations are the problem, but for him to feel his wife is the only person not giving the big wide eyes for him pulling it out of the bag is awkward as a dynamic.

The trouble is, parenting is daily 'pulling it out of the bag'... finding time where time didn't exist before cos you now have twice as much to do / getting stuff finished because you couldn't earlier cos you were mopping up sick / doing a task you need to concentrate on but having to divide your attention between that and waiting for a baby to wake and interrupt you / having to do a task while wearing a baby on a sling etc etc... All an increased gradient of difficulty in life... But totally totally standard.

But if he thinks you're going above and beyond for standard parenting stuff, maybe it's just a vocab issue. It rather mangles the definition when he's taking about daily parenting demands, but it is a challenge and tiring, so if that's all he means then he's right... just odd to insist it needs special recognition cos, yes it's exhausting, but no it's not unusual and yes blokes up and down the land do it all the time.

If you ever bothered to actually read the threads you hastily and ignorantly comment on, you wouldn’t need to guess.

Are his colleagues all men, listening to each other bigging up their superdad contributions? And what is all the "above and beyond" stuff? It sounds like a cult (or the PR/advertising industries where relentless self promotion is the norm).

Also why are you thanking him for sitting on the sofa watching cricket with his own child? When did he last thank you for providing 100% of the home front with a newborn and a toddler? Or for enabling him to sleep undisturbed whilst you are persistently sleep deprived and recovering from a birth?

Give him a few years and he'll be a MAMIL with an "outing hobby", disappearing at weekends because he needs his me time after the stressful week. This won't stop him being superdad at work whilst you still do the daily drudge of default parent and holding down your own truncated career.

Seriously - the bar for men is so low in this space a slow worm couldn't limbo underneath it.

You’d never hear a woman saying they have gone ‘above and beyond’. They just do what they need to do. Why should it be any different for men?

Be interesting to see how much 'above and beyond' he does when you go back to work...(and probably carry on doing as much as you do now)

My DH is very much an equal partner when it comes to all things domestic but it has been a journey to get here. A hard one at times. But there has always been that sense for him that he is doing something amazing. It fuels his self worth that he is such a ‘good man/husband/dad’ and he gets loads of feedback about how amazing he is and I get told how lucky I am.

Jesus Christ!! He is just doing his fair share. I was on my knees carrying the whole weight of all things domestic whilst working and was asked ‘why on earth’ are you so tired?! We didn’t need a dishwasher, tumble dryer, etc. waste of money. Now he’s doing more suddenly we have a dishwasher, tumble dryer. All mid fine to make it easier.

I listened to Eve Rodesky ‘Fair Play’ and it’s shifted things a lot. We later bought the cards which has really helped too.

They key idea is that ALL time is equal, regardless of income generation. You should both have equal amounts of leisure time once you have fulfilled your childcare duties. You both should have equal self care time too.

The bar is set very low for men in the domestic arena. They do sometimes seem to need recognition for their contribution. I’m torn. A bit of me thinks ‘Oh just get on with it and stop with the neediness’ and another bit of me thinks that domestic and caring work has been under valued, Under paid and not recognised as essential for eternity so may be now that men are doing it more and demanding recognition for it, it will start to be valued more 🙄

Can you make him a little reward chart with some home made badges/stickers. 'I sat in the sofa and held my own baby tonight', 'parented 1 child for 2 hours straight tonight without a break', 'above and beyond Dad', 'Father of the Year Award'.

I agree. Women do it too. I get told how ‘lucky’ I am that DH pulls his weight. How great he is. I had to fight for years for it!! It had to come to me breaking down and saying we needed to separate before he took it seriously. I made sure it became more fair. My ‘luck’ was that he has always marketed himself as a feminist so once I’d managed to get him to see all the invisible work I was doing (thank you Eve Rodesky!) he couldn’t really not step up without his true colours showing. Because, really, deep down, he sees domestic work as beneath him.

😂

tell him you’ve gone “far and beyond of being a mother” and need time for work plus hobbies.

Your DH possibly grew up in a home where his Mum did everything house related so he may know no better!

But if he is very important and high-up in his job, surely he should have a degree of intelligence and logical thought to realise that such a line of thinking makes no sense at all. Why should one person do everything in a house just because they have a vagina and not a penis? And so the patriarchy persists.

Because the penis gets in the way. Bless them. We should watch our privilege with our reproductive system all on the inside. We don’t know how hard it must be for them!

Nah! He needs to get his head out of the clouds.

It’s all about power, money and control, reducing his hours would involve the loss of that, the horrors! He also probably enjoys working in his choice of field and making money more than cleaning and changing nappies.

Nope. Regular parenting.

There’s no such thing as going above and beyond when you choose to have a kid. Even lone parenting is simply..parenting. Sadly the bar for men is so pathetically low they get called ‘amazing’ for disinterestedly pushing a buggy or throwing a kid in the air.
Is your husband a feminist, fully educated himself on child development, parenting, knowing every tiny detail of running the house and a fully functional house member? If not, I cannot understand the appeal.