Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

At work we get postcards from leadership with a little rocket on them saying you go above and beyond when you do something outside your normal remit. It always makes me laugh as it is weirdly hyperbolic - like we are astronauts rather than just helping backstage at the school production.

Your husband should be putting one of the children in bed or with the other one every evening as standard. Or giving the house a quick tidy/making dinner whilst you do bedtimes. He is definitely not going above and beyond.

Please show him this thread!

To be fair if he's saying you both go above and beyond on occasion then that makes a bit more sense and less like he wants massive congratulations. Perhaps he's just framing it as anything beyond the usual routine, which sounds like his example was.

You just have different ideas of what counts as above and beyond which is fair enough as its a scale....I mean technically cutting up food into slices rather than cubes because thats what child prefers, or taking 2 secs more to draw smiley faces on pancakes, or making a cool home made costume for world book day rather than buying a generic one from the shop are all going above and beyond the bog standard necessity of parenting, that doesn't mean they are the same as donating a kidney to your child, but parenting is hard, if every so often he thinks its nice to give each other a little pat on the back in recognition (rather than JUST you congratulating him for being bestest dad ever) then what's the harm?

I think if he's saying it in the context of he thinks you go above and beyond by doing X and he's doing above and beyond by doing Y that's quite different to him just thinking he's amazing.

Spending several hours cleaning when he should have been working + looking after a velcro baby, then working until midnight to catch up is above and beyond in my eyes. Same for you waking up every 45 minutes so he can get a good sleep for work, that's above and beyond too!

A. he's presenting his side to them
B. he's senior and they might not be

Our CTO made a comment about his daughter the other day and his parenting. People might have smiled politely but I can assure you plenty of them were also rolling their eyes behind his back because he did not make himself sound like the fantastic father he thought he made himself sound. But he's the CTO so there are very few people who are going to tell him to his face he sounds like a prat

I cleaned (he sat on the sofa, watching cricket and cuddling newborn who was asleep), but I do get your point. In the context that he thinks certain aspects are above and beyond, and him delaying his work so I could get the house ready for the cleaners was above and beyond. And me waking every 45 minutes for 10 months with DC1 so my husband could work, would be just parenting to a lot of people, but to him it was above and beyond.

In his specific example though I felt we were both doing things for the household - I was tidying for cleaners and he was holding baby. Maybe I’m over dissecting it, but to me that’s parenting and I don’t want his baseline to be below that. As otherwise I’m going to have to thank him for everything he does, as he is always working and people always need him (that’s a different thread, as stated above I would be happy if he left his job so that he had a better work life balance , but he doesn’t want to).

welcome to parenting.

you are totally right these things are just things parents/couples do for each other I mean is he not managing his job that he has to work into the night

I was once told this after a string of arguments with my OH and it has really stuck with me.

men don’t see things in the same way as women, their brain works differently, they don’t see mess the same way, they are just different. So instead of expecting him to view it the same way appreciate the effort he made in his way. He felt he had made a big effort and you sort of belittled that a bit.

Also he took time from his work day which many cant do and then worked until midnight. I couldnt do this my employer wouldnt allow even though I work from home.

Yes he was absolutely doing his duties as a dad and husband. But if he needs the pat on the back what is the harm in giving it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bloody hell, I’m agog at this! He’s parenting and needs a pat on the back for being a dad? Blimey!

Not above and beyond but working until midnight so he could help you maybe? If your both on decent money and your finding it tough pay for a cleaner or and even a nanny?

Well compared to who OP if it's some of the wastes of space we read about on MN on an hourly basis then yes he was but if it's a comparison to normal people then no, not really.
You need to put your baby down and stop being a martyr and you need to employ a cleaner that will actually do your tidying up for you (they will if you pay them better).

Dear god, another man who thinks doing anything at home or with the children is 'helping' his wife, because obviously she's the default caregiver and homemaker, and should be considered 'above and beyond'.

Who the fuck is raising these 'men'?!

He did not go above and beyond.
Dh is a good partner and always pulled his weight, but I wouldn't say either of us go above and beyond. It's just parenting. I'm good at the emotional stuff, he's good at blood and broken bones. I would say being first on the scene when dc mashed her face on her bike was advice and beyond; he would say sitting up whilst ds had a meltdown was above and beyond. In each case it's something we couldn't deal with.

We both work ft, so cleaning just got done around the kids. But mainly if someone was coming round.

Why the fuck was HE not tidying the house for the cleaner when you've just given birth??? Honestly, your husband is a dick. Above and beyond? What a fucking joke. My husband would put yours to shame. My husband has a big man job too, high earner, and still does 50/50 round the house and parenting.

Your husband needs a bloody reality check. Your post actually made me speechless for a few minutes. He held his newborn and let his post-partum wife tidy the house, he should be ashamed of himself. Useless man.

Vile creatures. All of them.

DC2 being so clingy is hard on you both. Babies can be left to cry for a bit. I'd put mine in their cot with a musical mobile and get a few things done. Not sure how modern women think how their granny coped without modern conveniences.

Studies have proven that it harms brain development leaving babies to cry. Know better, do better.

Absolute bare minimum fgs. He should be putting one child to bed every night. He's a waste of space.

Good lord. Don't have any more kids with this moron

This is why as women we are screwed, when men get praised for doing the bare minimum. Boils my piss.

He was being a good Dad, but not above and beyond. So many men are not good Dads that it's sometimes treated as unusual when they actually do their share, which is very frustrating for the mums who get no praise for doing everything.

My dad told me about trying to get some extra sleep lying under his desk during his lunch break after difficult nights when I was a baby. This was in the seventies and he was the sole breadwinner while my mum was a SAHM. Never thought of it as anything special, just that was the way it was when you have a baby.

He needs to get over himself It's not above and beyond!!

I’m an older woman, I’ve often noticed when out having a pub lunch. that men with children seem to be looking around for admiration when doing basic parenting. Eg kids running away , dad fetches child and looks about as if waiting for applause. I ignore.

a mother would just get on with it.

Beware of men who exploit the shitty low bar the world has set for them. When men want cookies for not being shitty humans, the red flags are waving.

Yep. I have seen men in a soft play being fawned over for bringing their kid out, even when they spend the whole time sitting on their phone. If a woman goes to soft play and checks her phone she gets slagged off and someone starts a MN thread about it