Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QWsnM4WQmLQ&pp=ygUNc2ltb24gYnJvZGtpbg%3D%3D

Why don't you get him a sticker chart? You know, the sort that 5 year olds have?

No such thing as above and beyond for any parent, mum or dad.

You do the best for your children and even as such, no awards are handed out.

YANBU. But I’ve had children with two men, both decent and good men and good dads. And in my experience this view is not unusual.

Oh bless him, tell him it's called parenting. It's what's expected.

Word

I'm even more furious coming back to this thread this morning. He's doing the fucking bare minimum and wants a medal and validation.

Shoot. NOW I've seen the video just above my post!
Doh.

Does he thank you for every single time you go 'above and beyond'?

Does he feel that 95% of parenting is your job because you're female? Or because he earns more?

Why is the pre cleaning duty your responsibility? Does he generally tidy up after himself and the kids?

What is he contributing to the family/household?

Above and beyond? Does he think he's talking to his boss about a payrise?

Just imagine the fuss he'd have expected if, God forbid, you'd asked HIM to clean the house whilst YOU relaxed on the sofa watching telly, cuddling a sleeping newborn.

I actually don't think it's possible to go "above and beyond" as a parent.
Surely any decent parent would do absolutely anything for the benefit of their children?

I had a friend who described having to look after his own child for a morning as "babysitting". I think some men have a big demarcation of duty in their minds and regard all the child stuff as the woman's role, therefore expecting the hallelujah chorus when they lift a finger

What i really want to know is why you cleaning the house before the cleaners come? Does that not defeat the purpose of a cleaner?

Maybe if he wants to continue to be super focussed on his job then the two of you together could commit to paying more to the cleaners so they could do the tidying as well as the cleaning?

Velcro babies are a lot of work and you could really run yourself into the ground caring for them. If your husband prefers the big well paid career then it probably makes sense to use the money to outsource some of the work.

Quite. Id have asked if he wanted a medal for holding his baby.

and id also have said i didnt need an evaluation thank you.

i think this really needs urgently addressing though. He clearly sees you as default parent and simply holding his child is going ‘above and beyond’ for him.

He’s going above and beyond in his job. He needs to sort out his priorities. If you need help and he earns a lot then get an evening nanny.

No the cleaner is there to clean. If the house is very untidy, the cleaner cannot clean

Also, your husband needs to spend regular calm and consistent time with a Velcro baby. My husband had the time available but not the inclination so he left everything to me and he has a poor relationship with our third child as a result. The child picked up on my stress and anxiety (I am also the breadwinner and do all household admin) and is very clingy even now at 6 years old. There’s a theory that a child picks up on stress and the clinginess is a way of checking you’re ok, or their way of knowing their primary care-giver isn’t going to abandon them.

They were my thoughts.

Above and beyond is a rating for Amazon delivery. I can't believe that people use this in RL, especially about their parenting. You both need to get out more if you've started to use this speak in everyday life.

Why do men want congratulations for doing a tenth (if that) of what women do? Its truly pathetic. There's nothing stopping a man doing 50% of childcare and housework except laziness and misogyny.

I was a CEO earning more than my XH and still managed way more than your DH every single day.

If he thinks a couple of hours worth of parenting is "above and beyond" then it sounds like he is an inattentive shit dad the rest of the time.

Great comment @OldandTired66

Above and beyond what? Parenting does not feature a defined job description. You either do your best or you don't.

next time ask who he thinks validates mothers going above and beyond?

There is no threshold as a parent where you stop being a great parent and start being “above and beyond.” You can’t be “above” what is great parenting. You are simply just being a great parent.
He’s looking at it like a job role where there is a specific job description and he’s doing extra things that are not on the description list-this can’t be applied to being a parent. What he did was be a good parent caring for baby and doing housework but it was not “above and beyond.”