Dad going above and beyond?

[Tadah2]

AIBU to think that this is just being a Dad and not going above and beyond?

My DH has expressed that he thinks he goes above and beyond as a Dad. He gave an example of when he looked after DC2 (who is a newborn) whilst I put DC1 to bed and tidied the house ahead of the cleaners coming. This took a couple of hours - he considers this to be above and beyond, as he had people at work needing to speak to him and he put my needs and the family first. He ended up working until midnight that night to catch up.

He does have a very well paid job, he does work long hours - but I have repeatedly told him I’m happy for him to find a new job (less stress and less hours) and downsize. But he likes the status and the money. DC2 (much like DC1) is a velcro baby - cannot be put down and is breastfed. That is why I struggle to get the house organised for the cleaners during the early hours of the morning before they come (DC2 will only be content in a sling when asleep and any bending down wakes DC2 up) and it’s easier to do a quick 45 mins before bed. I do all the night feeds. I also work in a well paid job (not as well paid as his) but am on mat leave at present. I have tried bathing both children and putting them to bed, but DC2 cries with any bending movement in the sling (as above) and that means DC1 wakes up. Even breastfeeding whilst reading stories DC2 gets unsettled - as DC2 doesn’t like it if I am talking whilst feeding/DC2 is trying to sleep.

He was very upset that I didn’t think that example was above and beyond as a Dad. He’s now saying he feels silly that he thought he was doing something special. I explained that I do massively appreciate it, and it does really help, but I don’t think it’s above and beyond as a Dad. AIBU, or did he go above and beyond?

He was being a good Dad

No, he just wasn’t being a neglectful dad. That’s not the same thing.

Above and beyond would be him always doing more than 50 percent when he is not working. Does he do that??

What words would he use to describe your contribution?

Is above and beyond even possible within parenting. Surely everything a parent does is in the child’s interest. Does he have limits to what he will do for his children?

He should realise he can’t work while you are unavailable for childcare even if that is because you are attending to something else in the home

I read the OP like he looked after baby while you put DC 1 to bed, and HE tidied. I thought maybe everyone was a little harsh seeing as he then had to work til midnight, but seeing your update.... he held his baby for a bit?! 🤣

Velcro babies are hard. How old are they? Hopefully soon you'll be able to increase moments of hands freedom!

He wouldn't have to "above and beyond" if his employer respected his contribution enough not to expect him to work all hours. But thats common these days.

Parents working together to get everything done should becseen as the basic standard.

@Tadah2 have you considered bringing in some additional hired help at home, at least until one or both DC are in school? If he is making loads of money you could probably afford that.

You were tidying ahead of the cleaners, but the whole point of having cleaners with DC would be so that you do not have to do that … maybe you need a part-time housekeeper or nanny/housekeeper or housekeeper / cook, depending which bits you would most want to outsource.

@Tadah2 You could just remind him that your babies didn’t create themselves or ask to be born so being the absolute best parents that you can be for them is the least that you can do. Then you could add that you love it how he’s such a good dad.

So wait a minute… this conversation was because he… held one of his two DC for 45mins?

Forget what you were doing for a moment- he held his own baby and thinks he’s gone above and beyond.

What is his normal input to the house and home?

You are feeding, dressing, tidying, keeping the kids safe, waking with them at night…

What’s he doing to facilitate his own and his DCs’ existence, beyond earning money?

No clue what the answer is OP.

The bar is so low for men. It depresses and angers me.

My DH is a "good dad" and generally pulls his weight. He is from what I can from friends and family in the top 5%... Certainly 10%.

He needs constant reassurance he is amazing /so great. But also denies he needs this.

I have been quite ill during pregnancy (and have developed a quote serious medical condition) and so he does bedtimes and wake ups (these are never before 6 normally 6.45 sometimes as late as 7.30) she sleeps through 6 nights out of 7

He basically told me he "doesn't need a medal" but he feels like "sometimes I just don't see everything he does and I don't appreciate how much he does and how hard it is".
My DM did nights for us over Xmas when DD was sick and awake and she is in generally in full time childcare 8-6pm.

I really had to manage my response into a "I can how that might be your perception and that might be hard for you"

But internally I was thinking....
I know everything you do!!! I was doing to at least 50/50 AND doing all the other fucking stuff you doesn't see or think is important around the house. I am STILL doing all that!!!!

I wouldnt mind but l already make a conserted effort to tell him what a great boy he is! For doing what I consider basic parenting. For a man who "appreciates positive feedback" he is pretty shy about giving any back to meand ultra sensitive and unreceptive to anything other than "you da best!!!" ... Because/but he does X which makes him amazing Vs other dads so I should shut the fuck up about Y.

Sounds like he is doing the bare minimum. "Above and beyond " is staff appraisal speak. What would be a bit more worthy of praise would be if he looked after both dc and sorted the house whilst you get a break. Seems unlikely to happen with a newborn.

People at work are buttering him up. It is almost funny that he thinks he's done something special if it weren't so upsetting that the bar is set so low for some men.

Sitting and cuddling a sleeping baby while you run around cleaning with an awake and active toddler is taking the fucking piss. Honestly, the idea that someone thinks this is above and beyond - heaven help you if you are ever sick or injured and he needs to provide actual parenting.

My third child was a velcro baby and I remember a couple of occasions when I was expecting guests and he wouldn't go down. I put a film on for my older two children and my eight year old sat on the sofa holding her baby brother so I could run around and tidy the house.

Your husband was doing the absolute bare minimum of parenting, and no more than what a child could do.

Crikey OP.
He's not done anything remotely extraordinary. He held his own child, as he should, being the father. This is a low bar for parenting indeed. He'd not last 5 minutes in this house. I can't believe he wants praise for this.
I'm guessing you must be pretty exhausted with being permanently on duty. Do you ever get a proper break?

He can’t be serious? He clearly considers all child care to be your area and so anything he does is extra help. He’s a parent, it’s called parenting and it’s not even great parenting, it’s just everyday life with young children. I’d literally laugh at him as he’s insane if he thinks that’s above and beyond

We laugh at people who say things like ‘I babysat the children’ you can’t babysit your own children!
I struggled after my c-section so dh slept on the sofa for a week with DC2 in a Moses basket next to him. He did all the night feeds and still looked after me, DC1 and DC2 all day. I very much appreciated it. I never told him he was going above and beyond! Honestly he would have been insulted he counts himself as an equal parent to me.

His above and beyond: hold baby for max 1 hour while watching cricket on the sofa.
Your above and beyond: wake every 45 mins through the night for 10 months.

Did you point out this nonsensical comparison to him?

I'd hate to be a parent in his workplace - I bet the women there all go part-time after become a parent, and are still expected to put in full-time effort. Or perhaps it's an all-male workplace with accommodating wives. Why do people (men?) hype him up? Is it one of those weird personality cults?

I think it's just a semantic argument about the phrase "above and beyond" really. As you say you did allreocate what he did, you just don't define it as "above and beyond" but he does, and this seems to be a phrase you are both getting stuck on.

If you both appreciate each others efforts why fall out over it?

It's certainly not going above and beyond as a dad (he cuddled a baby on the sofa while watching TV, wow, I was the best mum ever then!), but if I understand correctly he was supposed to be working and colleagues were waiting for him, it's rude to his colleagues and below what he should be doing work wise surely? A tidy house is less important than someone's job!

Or was this not an agreed meeting / call / deadline and they were pestering him in his free time? In which case you need to discuss that stopping (unless this was a one off emergency with good reason ) as he is doing below what he should be as a parent if he never has any time properly away from work.

Looking after his own newborn for only a couple of hours doesn't even need minimum parental responsibilities and is so far away from 'above and beyond' it's not funny 🫣

Why don't you pay the cleaners to tidy up? Seems ridiculous to spend 2 hours tidying before the cleaner. Especially if you have a enough money (given DH we'll paid job). I mean obviously dirty underwear etc should be picked up but they can tidy up toys, clear plates etc. There's no shame in that !

No they haven't, not for short periods of time. Those studies were done on babies in Romanian orphanages that got left for hours on end. Seems to me sone mums thrive on being martyrs, can't possibly put baby down etc.

How do you know this is being said? You only have his word. I would just smile and nod if he says it again.

People might be making a throwaway comment like 'oh baby keeping you up again? I couldn't cope with that mate!' which he's relaying to you as people being in awe of his hands on daddying. Ignore kindly. He's being a bit pathetic.

Not to brag about my dh, because he has his own special ways of being a dick, but:
He took half a year off work so I could go back to work early (my choice) and for both kids - so a total of a year
He did and still does 90 percent of the nappy changes
He washed and sterilized the bottles and milk pump every day and put them in my work bag for me, and kept on top of the pumped milk in the freezer. He did all of the bottle feeds when I didn’t breastfeed
He put my dd to bed every night for a year while I was breastfeeding my son. After that we switched to alternate nights, where he’d put baby to bed while I put dd to bed.
He does 50 percent of the housework
He picks kids up from childcare every evening while I’m still at work
He cooks 50 percent of the meals

My dh isn’t the higher earner though so was happy to put his job as a lower priority while we had kids. I wouldn’t say he’s going above and beyond - just being a dad. I went to work very soon after the birth with both kids. I couldn’t have done that without this level of support.

I think it’s not about dad vs. mum vs. work stuff. It’s about looking at all the tasks you have as a family and making sure they are split fairly. Nobody should be going above and beyond - just doing their fair share. That means if he’s at work all day he will have less time to spend on family stuff. Weekends, however, should be 50/50 split.

I think he may have forgotten that if everybody he surrounds himself with is below him in status, they will be more inclined to blow smoke up his ass than to hold him accountable and grounded in reality, especially when they have their own vested interests. When was the last time he had a conversation about being a father in the pub with his mates who would give him some home truths? I'm guessing that never happens because men of his status in work don't tend to have friends and don't have time to spend with them.

Holding child for a couple of hours so the other parent can get household stuff done, definitely isn't above and beyond, not even for a C suite executive. Maybe doing all of the night waking is, when your H has such a Big Important Job - although possibly you have accidentally fed into an unhealthy opinion of his that his Big Important Job takes 24/7 priority for him and you parenting the children takes 24/7 priority for you and if ever the twain shall meet then Lo! One has Gone Above And Beyond! 🤨

I think it might be time for some sit down conversations about what being a parent to two young children means in practical terms for both of you, and how much you are each expecting him to be involved in the day to day care of his own children. It isn't the 1930s and more, and while you are on mat leave at present you will be going back to work; it isn't fair or reasonable to expect you to do 90% of the parenting going forwards, even if his job is Bigger And More ImportantTM than yours, it doesn't actually give you any extra energy, ability to morph into two bodies or any extra hours in the day, and it sounds like he may need that pointing out to him.

I'd also be talking to him about what type of a relationship does he want with his children? Because not doing evening mealtimes, cuddles, bath and bed routine now translates very quickly into young children who won't settle for dad, who have to be coaxed to give him a cuddle or kiss, are a nightmare beecher they are unhsppy whenever mum isn't there, and who don't feel any real connection to him; he will quickly become "that adult in the household who is always working" to them, rather than Dad. Is that what he wants to be normal for his kids?