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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this conversation?

196 replies

jeezsolom · 20/12/2023 20:58

Been seeing a guy for three months. We are exclusive. He has been very distant lately but yesterday he suggested lunch on our lunch breaks. That was fine. He said he would text me today. Heard nothing all day so text thread goes like this -

Me - It was good to hear from you re lunch 👍

Him - Hellooo. I never got a minute today

Me - I’m sure you had a minute to let me know it wasn’t happening. Basic manners. Anyways doesn’t matter.

Him - Wait a minute lol, did you message me?

Me - You suggested lunch, said you’d let me know, then never did. Why would I message you to chase up? Especially when I've been planning most of the dates recently.

Him - name you know i have very busy days its rare that i have a day of leisure. you had a visit at 2 and in the office in the morning. I never stopped all day last job was at 4 and i came home as i had an hours drive is that awright with you?

Don't even know what to or whether to respond. Who is in the wrong here? It's the is that awright with you? So aggressive.

OP posts:
BelieveInYourElf · 20/12/2023 21:00

silence would be my response

let him do a little work

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 21:00

do you mean you were aggressive? I’m so confused, if you know he’s snowed why didn’t you just message and say still on? Why all the passive aggressive stuff?

AnOldCynic · 20/12/2023 21:02

I would think that you are being passive aggressive.

Also why say it doesn't matter when it obviously does?

Nogooddeed7 · 20/12/2023 21:02

I ready your messages as slightly aggressive if I’m honest but I do think he should’ve text you

missmollygreen · 20/12/2023 21:03

Passive aggressive.
That fist message would put me right off

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 20/12/2023 21:03

I wouldn’t have chased it up in the first place. Let him chase you.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 21:04

He wbu to not let you know. Just ignore him.

Pemba · 20/12/2023 21:04

I don't get it, what visit at 2 and in the morning? Does he visit you at work?

I would just leave him to stew for a bit like pps suggested.

Doggymummar · 20/12/2023 21:06

Probably doesn't want to get you a Christmas present easier to breakup

Changingplace · 20/12/2023 21:08

I think from the off you were passive aggressive and looking for a row, if I’d had a really busy day and someone started a message like that I’d think oh p*ss off.

Changingplace · 20/12/2023 21:09

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 20/12/2023 21:03

I wouldn’t have chased it up in the first place. Let him chase you.

Wow the 1950s called, they want their sexist dating ideas back

Whiskerson · 20/12/2023 21:09

I think you are in the right - he should have messaged you about lunch like he said.

It also sounds like you're fed up with each other.

Floopani · 20/12/2023 21:12

I got confused about who was sending who messages and thought - I would definitely drop someone for this one:

'I’m sure you had a minute to let me know it wasn’t happening. Basic manners. Anyways doesn’t matter.'

Turned out that was from you OP so we would be off!

AngelicInnocent · 20/12/2023 21:16

How passive aggressive can you be. Right from the outset with that crappy thumbs up.

goingtotown · 20/12/2023 21:17

You were sarcastic, did you want a row?

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 20/12/2023 21:17

Changingplace · 20/12/2023 21:09

Wow the 1950s called, they want their sexist dating ideas back

Show quote history

No I mean only specifically in this scenario actually. OP says she is always making the plans, in this scenario I would have just left it and moved on. Men show they want you by making an effort - fact.

So not the 1950s just not giving attention where it’s not deserved.

dammit88 · 20/12/2023 21:17

You were in the wrong, really passive aggressive.

Felisenavedad · 20/12/2023 21:18

If he spells alright as awright that would be a deal breaker for me!

But I think if he's been distant and didn't text you about a lunch he suggested, I would have kept my dignity and my silence. I absolutely wouldn't be so passive aggressive.

However, in a happy, healthy relationship you should be able to text, 'still on for lunch" without a moments hesitation. It speaks volumes if you don't feel able to and for me, would be the sign it wasn't right.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/12/2023 21:20

Your message to him was horribly passive - aggressive. Why not just ask him why he hadn't messaged you, or start out by saying you don't appreciate it? Tbh I'd go right off my boyfriend if he ever took that approach with me, as I'd be upset that he automatically assumed I just hadn't bothered and was sarcastic, rather than asking if I was OK and why he hadn't heard from me. It sounds like you'd already decided he was at fault.
Anyway it sounds like your preferences re text communication aren't in line, and you sound angry with him, so is your heart really in this one? But if you do end it - please tell him directly, don't just ignore /ghost.

Allfur · 20/12/2023 21:20

I think calling it a conversation is stretching it and what ever it is, should not continue

gannett · 20/12/2023 21:21

You were right that he was rude, he should have texted you if he said he was going to. And if he didn't have a moment (easily done and not necessarily a big deal) he should have been apologetic.

You were definitely spoiling for an argument with the passive aggressive first message. I don't blame you though.

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 21:21

You sound so passive aggressive. That first message was just 🤮. He tried to keep it lighthearted and you came back with another passive aggressive BS message. And he's right you could have texted. Why didn't you message to say "are we still on for lunch?" Like a normal person.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 20/12/2023 21:23

Changingplace · 20/12/2023 21:08

I think from the off you were passive aggressive and looking for a row, if I’d had a really busy day and someone started a message like that I’d think oh p*ss off.

Definitely.

OP, your messages would be enough for me to end a 3 month relationship.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 20/12/2023 21:24

If I was him, I would dump you

SpringingJoy · 20/12/2023 21:25

You're in the wrong. Childish, petulant and unpleasantly passive aggressive.

If the first part of the conversation happened then I heard nothing I'd just text 'Hia are we still doing lunch today?'.

Why be so confrontational and unpleasant? Do you enjoy the drama? The guilt trip? How bad would he have had to feel, how apologetic and ashamed until you'd feel satisfied?

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