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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this conversation?

196 replies

jeezsolom · 20/12/2023 20:58

Been seeing a guy for three months. We are exclusive. He has been very distant lately but yesterday he suggested lunch on our lunch breaks. That was fine. He said he would text me today. Heard nothing all day so text thread goes like this -

Me - It was good to hear from you re lunch 👍

Him - Hellooo. I never got a minute today

Me - I’m sure you had a minute to let me know it wasn’t happening. Basic manners. Anyways doesn’t matter.

Him - Wait a minute lol, did you message me?

Me - You suggested lunch, said you’d let me know, then never did. Why would I message you to chase up? Especially when I've been planning most of the dates recently.

Him - name you know i have very busy days its rare that i have a day of leisure. you had a visit at 2 and in the office in the morning. I never stopped all day last job was at 4 and i came home as i had an hours drive is that awright with you?

Don't even know what to or whether to respond. Who is in the wrong here? It's the is that awright with you? So aggressive.

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 21/12/2023 07:40

Your precious teenager approach really won't work in any relationship.

GMsAWinner · 21/12/2023 07:48

It all went wrong on the third message from you. Some things are much better said in person and easier to clarify if it comes across wrong.

cornishlassy · 21/12/2023 07:49

Well, he can't even spell, so I'd be out.

HumTamborine · 21/12/2023 08:08

Just end it. He's not that into you.

If he were he would at least have messaged to let you know he couldn't make it and arranged another firm plan instead). You are, quite fairly, annoyed by his behaviour which shows zero interest and even less respect for your time. He thinks it's fine to leave you hanging and ignore you if he gets busy.

Next time I wouldn't send your first passive aggressive message, I'd just mentally write him off and be done with it. One-off exception only if he contacted me afterwards and had convincing evidence he'd been knocked unconscious or had some sort of very serious emergency when he should have been meeting/ texting you!

confusedaboutclothes · 21/12/2023 08:17

Sorry OP i think you went about this the wrong way…you could have said something different and then later followed up with not receiving a text from him so he knew it bothered you.
The thumbs up would’ve stopped me replying if I was him to be fair…

Jf20 · 21/12/2023 08:18

yesterday he suggested lunch on our lunch breaks. That was fine. He said he would text me today

this to me suggests it wasn’t confirmed as absolute. Otherwise it would be let’s meet in x place at x time. So he was texting to confirm either way.

youre opening gambit of thanks for letting me know about lunch, confirms it, as it is clear it was letting you know either way , not why did you stand me up for lunch.

he absolutely should have done. But it appears he was genuinely snowed, and not letting you know is by default saying he can’t do it today. Not great but not worth having a go over. It wouldn’t have been an issue to just say, still want to do lunch today or snowed?

you were obviously very pissed off you missed out on lunch with him, so had a go at him. And he’s clearly been defensive and annoyed you have. I don’t quite get why you decided he was the aggressive one though.

I do think the relationship is over. It’s only been 3 months and it’s clearly not working. I suspect this little episode is the final death knell.

daisychain01 · 21/12/2023 08:24

Never pick an argument or have a high stakes conversation by text. It never ends well - both people end up feeling shitty and the negativity is never truly resolved because you aren't able to look each other in the eye and gauge responses of the other.

it seems to be the way many people conduct their relationships nowadays, it's very avoidant and bad for morale and self-esteem.

start as you mean to go on, text is only for "please can you pick up some milk on your way home , we're getting low"

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 21/12/2023 08:26

He was being unreasonable not to let you know and by the end of your exchange was snappy because you’d been passive aggressive from the word go and throughout. I don’t blame you for being annoyed but the ‘anyways, doesn’t matter’ made me roll my eyes. It does matter, it’s rude, you said so yourself but you can articulate that without being so immature imo.

FestiveFruitloop · 21/12/2023 08:29

Good grief the nastiness in some of these responses. Heaven forbid that a woman should dare to assert herself, eh.

Wishimaywishimight · 21/12/2023 09:04

You kicked off the conversation with a sarky / PA statement - it was never going to go well after that.

You're in a relationship with this guy - stop playing games. You could have just texted in the morning to say "still ok for lunch?" instead of making a big deal about it.

Stupidliefromfriend · 21/12/2023 09:07

You were both wrong. He forgot the lunch proposal and then didn't apologise. You were passive aggressive. Please work on stopping that style of communication with anyone. It's awful.

I've an ex friend who behaved like that. Thirty years of sulking and accusatory ambiguous messages "oh strange... I think you did know... Anyway let's leave it, doesn't matter... " became too much.

Girlking · 21/12/2023 09:09

PlaidCushionProductions · 20/12/2023 22:38

Awright? Are you dating Michael Barrymore? 🥴

🤣

Baffledandalarmed · 21/12/2023 09:21

Wishimaywishimight · 21/12/2023 09:04

You kicked off the conversation with a sarky / PA statement - it was never going to go well after that.

You're in a relationship with this guy - stop playing games. You could have just texted in the morning to say "still ok for lunch?" instead of making a big deal about it.

It’s three months. TBF at that stage I’d consider it ‘casual dating’ not a relationship.

It’s early enough that you’re still learning about what the other is really like before you commit. And the guy has learned OP is passive aggressive and OP has learnt that she ranks below work.

No biggie on either side tbh. Both are well rid of each other.

5128gap · 21/12/2023 09:25

I think your messages were fine OP. You're clearly not happy with him not messaging about lunch and about you having to make the arrangements, so why sit there pretending you are just to avoid upsetting a guy who isn't very satisfactory anyway? Yes he sounds stroppy about it, but what's the alternative? Carry on as you are because not putting a man off you is more important than how they treat you?

LonesomeTonite · 21/12/2023 09:36

Downgrade him to casual acquaintance and agree to dates and whatever if you are not doing anything else.

It sounds like you were waiting around for him to throw you a fish. Don't. Get back out there on the dating scene. Don't be exclusive with him. He doesn't sound worth it.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 21/12/2023 09:38

Yup - you were passive aggressive. Good you apologised. Maybe if the relationship is over - end it amicably. Doesn’t sound like he has time anyway.

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2023 09:43

You were limbering up for an argument with your opening gambit and then doubled down with the second. Good that you accept you were PA.

I can see why you'd want to cut your losses with him though.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 09:43

You were in the wrong on those messages.

You should have just texted saying “are we still on for lunch today?”

Chances are it slipped his mind or something came up and he couldn’t get to his phone.

If you were annoyed then you should have said so, instead of being passive aggressive and game playing.
You were also being petty by not texting him first, just because he said he’d text you.

I personally couldn’t deal with someone like you.
I don’t like people who make my life harder, especially if I’ve had a stressful day at work.

If this isn’t the first time he’s let you down then throw this one back.

zingally · 21/12/2023 09:49

If anyone was aggressive in tone, it was you.

Frankly, if you're only 3 months in, and already feeling annoyed and cross with him, this isn't going to go well long-term.

User1789 · 21/12/2023 09:50

I wouldn't take your tone from somebody I was in a three month relationship with. It is not nice.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 09:53

User1789 · 21/12/2023 09:50

I wouldn't take your tone from somebody I was in a three month relationship with. It is not nice.

I agree.

This is a huge red flag for me and if a man I was dating for 3 months sent those messages, I would end things there and then.

Jl2014 · 21/12/2023 09:55

Ignore and move on. Too much hard work too soon.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 09:57

cornishlassy · 21/12/2023 07:49

Well, he can't even spell, so I'd be out.

I think ending things over someone not being able to spell is very petty.

But in this case it’s OP that can’t spell.

I think you implying he should end things with her because she can’t spell is mad.

HarrietStyles · 21/12/2023 09:57

It was rude of him to not text you, so completely understand why you felt disappointed. But maybe he was just super busy at work and it completely slipped his mind, he hadn’t realised the time. Sometimes my work is so busy and I’m completely focussed on that, everything else goes out the window a bit, including what time it is. If you had sent a polite message at around 11.45/12 “Hey not heard from you, are we still on for lunch today?” then I’m certain you would have got a nice apologetic reply back. Instead you went charging in with your dick swinging and turned yourself into the bad guy instead of him.

SEG152 · 21/12/2023 10:00

People who use the excuse of being busy to not be able to communicate are full of shit. It takes two seconds to send a message. Even if you do it in the morning as soon as you wake up to say you’re thinking of then but may be a bit quiet for the day. We use our phones for everything. Paying for parking, coffee, lunch etc. using it for maps, checking the weather. Anyone who says they couldn’t spare thirty seconds to send a message is full of shit and gas lighting you.

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