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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you think of this conversation?

196 replies

jeezsolom · 20/12/2023 20:58

Been seeing a guy for three months. We are exclusive. He has been very distant lately but yesterday he suggested lunch on our lunch breaks. That was fine. He said he would text me today. Heard nothing all day so text thread goes like this -

Me - It was good to hear from you re lunch 👍

Him - Hellooo. I never got a minute today

Me - I’m sure you had a minute to let me know it wasn’t happening. Basic manners. Anyways doesn’t matter.

Him - Wait a minute lol, did you message me?

Me - You suggested lunch, said you’d let me know, then never did. Why would I message you to chase up? Especially when I've been planning most of the dates recently.

Him - name you know i have very busy days its rare that i have a day of leisure. you had a visit at 2 and in the office in the morning. I never stopped all day last job was at 4 and i came home as i had an hours drive is that awright with you?

Don't even know what to or whether to respond. Who is in the wrong here? It's the is that awright with you? So aggressive.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 21/12/2023 03:11

Lots of poor communication.

theGooHasGone · 21/12/2023 03:13

Holy passive aggressive batman. Yikes. Lucky he replied at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2023 03:36

BalletBob · 21/12/2023 02:28

The level of shite that some women are prepared to put up with from thoroughly average men is astounding. I can't believe how many PP are accusing you of being petulant, rude, demanding, aggressive etc for letting him know you were pissed off. He asked you to have lunch with him and told you he'd be in touch to firm up plans. Then he just...didn't bother. But you are supposed to either ignore his rudeness and arrogance completely, or send some fluffy message asking how his day was and if he was busy?

I suppose it would have been more constructive and mature to just tell him directly that you were really upset and annoyed that he didn't extend even the basic courtesy of letting you know that he couldn't make it. But when we're pissed off sometimes we react emotionally, being human and all. You've hardly unleashed an abusive tirade at him. Just been a bit sarcastic and PA.

I think at 3 months it's not worth wasting time on someone who is already showing you that they don't value you. He could very easily have spent literally 20 seconds sending a text to say "Really sorry but work is crazy and I can't make lunch. I'll call you later x". He doesn't respect you.

If a woman wants a decent relationship with a man, I agree.

TammyJones · 21/12/2023 03:48

BalletBob · 21/12/2023 02:28

The level of shite that some women are prepared to put up with from thoroughly average men is astounding. I can't believe how many PP are accusing you of being petulant, rude, demanding, aggressive etc for letting him know you were pissed off. He asked you to have lunch with him and told you he'd be in touch to firm up plans. Then he just...didn't bother. But you are supposed to either ignore his rudeness and arrogance completely, or send some fluffy message asking how his day was and if he was busy?

I suppose it would have been more constructive and mature to just tell him directly that you were really upset and annoyed that he didn't extend even the basic courtesy of letting you know that he couldn't make it. But when we're pissed off sometimes we react emotionally, being human and all. You've hardly unleashed an abusive tirade at him. Just been a bit sarcastic and PA.

I think at 3 months it's not worth wasting time on someone who is already showing you that they don't value you. He could very easily have spent literally 20 seconds sending a text to say "Really sorry but work is crazy and I can't make lunch. I'll call you later x". He doesn't respect you.

Agree.
I wish I'd been a bit braver in my younger days to call men out on such disrespectful behaviour.
He stood you up and some how you're in the wrong.
If people act as flaky as this they are surely going to annoy people.

lemonjuicer · 21/12/2023 03:58

She’s been stood up for lunch, she sent him a message about it and he didn’t even apologise! I’d be pissed off too, as it’s not like OP suggested any of it in the first place. If that had been my now husband I’m sure he would have found 10 seconds to say ‘sorry can’t make today talk later’.

OP some of these commenters think you should have been polite and graceful when being stood up and then same again when he made you feel unreasonable for being annoyed about it, but it’s 3 months in and he’s already taking the piss, he sounds completely unbothered, let this one fizzle I reckon!

Pottyberry · 21/12/2023 04:27

"Is that awright with you" ewww
I would reply "yes that's fine, crack on" and block him.
He asked you for lunch, you said yes, then he leaves you hanging after you've been doing most of the facilitating dates. He's lazy or losing interest.

banjocat · 21/12/2023 04:38

You're both communicating poorly. It obviously isn't going anywhere - call it off and move on.

Midnightgrey · 21/12/2023 05:09

I'm with @BalletBob. He was meant to contact you and he couldn't be bothered. You don't have to be warm, friendly and understanding about him not being bothered. I'd block him for good and delete his phone number. No further communication is necessary with this snappy little weasel.

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 05:17

So he's been less attentive recently. He suggested lunch. You agreed. You waited for him to arrange as a, it was his idea and b, your sick of being the one to do it. Nothing happened. You have your answer op, if he was busy common courtesy is to text and say sorry can't make it. The problem is by being shitty he's made you the bad guy so you ended up apologising!!

Ask yourself if he's worth the hassle?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 21/12/2023 05:36

There was nothing stopping you from texting him to check on lunch, instead of being unpleasant because he didn't get a chance to text you. If I were him I would be heading for the hills!

PepperIsHere · 21/12/2023 05:41

Nothing passive here, just aggressive. You're entitled to feel pissed off but it's more straightforward to say so e.g. Are we still on for lunch? Where shall we meet?

WillowTit · 21/12/2023 05:44

your text is not very nice.

charabang · 21/12/2023 06:07

He should have let you know but you set the tone of the conversation with your first message. You shouldn't be surprised at the response.

AnneValentine · 21/12/2023 06:13

It’s fizzled out

nottaotter · 21/12/2023 06:17

I would leave it and see if he gets in touch, take it from there.

The sarcastic first message would put my back up though, and I have a dry sense of humour, it just sounds passive aggressive.

ElevenSeven · 21/12/2023 06:21

Just end it, what’s the point when he’s not bothering, and you’re sending passive aggressive messages after only three months?

It’s not meant to be this hard.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 21/12/2023 06:28

BalletBob · 21/12/2023 02:28

The level of shite that some women are prepared to put up with from thoroughly average men is astounding. I can't believe how many PP are accusing you of being petulant, rude, demanding, aggressive etc for letting him know you were pissed off. He asked you to have lunch with him and told you he'd be in touch to firm up plans. Then he just...didn't bother. But you are supposed to either ignore his rudeness and arrogance completely, or send some fluffy message asking how his day was and if he was busy?

I suppose it would have been more constructive and mature to just tell him directly that you were really upset and annoyed that he didn't extend even the basic courtesy of letting you know that he couldn't make it. But when we're pissed off sometimes we react emotionally, being human and all. You've hardly unleashed an abusive tirade at him. Just been a bit sarcastic and PA.

I think at 3 months it's not worth wasting time on someone who is already showing you that they don't value you. He could very easily have spent literally 20 seconds sending a text to say "Really sorry but work is crazy and I can't make lunch. I'll call you later x". He doesn't respect you.

I agree. If this guy had been otherwise consistent and reliable then it would be completely OTT but OP- you said he has a pattern of doing this? In that case, your reply was fine (yes, it was passive aggressive but after multiple instances of this I don't blame you for being fed up) and I'd bin him off.

I can't stand men who do this- flaky, vague, inconsistent etc- you end up never quite knowing where you stand and it's bloody annoying. It would be fine if he was honest and upfront and said he wanted something super casual but if he's pretending he wants a relationship with you and then messing around like this then he's being deceptive and inauthentic.

Personally, I have found that inconsistency like this at the beginning is a huge red flag. If you can't show keenness and a willingness to make an effort at the beginning when it should be exciting and attraction is high then it doesn't bode anything good for the relationship down the line.

What you accept in your dating life, you'll end up accepting in a relationship. It takes seconds to say "hey, sorry, I can't make lunch today, can we reschedule?". That actually took me less than 5 seconds to type that sentence out. He can't even give you 5 seconds of his time?- yeah, in the bin he goes.

Holly60 · 21/12/2023 06:40

The passive aggressive opener would have been the end for me. But so would making plans for lunch and then just not texting. I don't think you are well suited so I'd end whatever it is.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 21/12/2023 07:07

jeezsolom · 20/12/2023 23:24

As I've said, I've apologised. He said 'no need to apologise' but think I'll leave it there.

I think it says a lot about you that you took all the negative comments in this thread, accepted them and were big enough to apologise. His poor treatment of you turned you into someone other than who you are or who you want to be. That is as sure a sign of an unhealthy relationship as you can get. End it.

ZenNudist · 21/12/2023 07:14

Yeah it doesn't sound like it's working. It's not on to get pissy at someone who's busy at work. At least you apologised for the pass agg opener. It sounds like he's too busy in the run up to Christmas. Most people are.

WaltzingWaters · 21/12/2023 07:15

Felisenavedad · 20/12/2023 21:18

If he spells alright as awright that would be a deal breaker for me!

But I think if he's been distant and didn't text you about a lunch he suggested, I would have kept my dignity and my silence. I absolutely wouldn't be so passive aggressive.

However, in a happy, healthy relationship you should be able to text, 'still on for lunch" without a moments hesitation. It speaks volumes if you don't feel able to and for me, would be the sign it wasn't right.

All of this. Maybe time to call it a day and find someone you can have better communication with.

stayathomer · 21/12/2023 07:17

You think he sounded aggressive???? You sound like you’re spoiling for a fight!!! Sometimes people literally don’t have a minute and when they do have a hundred other things to catch up on!!! If you’ve a bit of history or have been together a while I suggest you both keep texting if it’s only been a date or two call it quits- you both have too different lives, it’s always going to be like this

Hesma · 21/12/2023 07:22

Your passive aggressive first message would be a red flag to me if I were him. Not surprised he was pissed off tbh.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 21/12/2023 07:26

I mean, you know he isn’t into you. The passive aggressive messages you sent were gross. You shouldn’t have messaged at all. Now you look like the dickhead.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 21/12/2023 07:34

He's doing the gentle fade and hoping you will dump him first rather than him be the bad guy. Actions speak louder than words.