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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this conversation?

196 replies

jeezsolom · 20/12/2023 20:58

Been seeing a guy for three months. We are exclusive. He has been very distant lately but yesterday he suggested lunch on our lunch breaks. That was fine. He said he would text me today. Heard nothing all day so text thread goes like this -

Me - It was good to hear from you re lunch 👍

Him - Hellooo. I never got a minute today

Me - I’m sure you had a minute to let me know it wasn’t happening. Basic manners. Anyways doesn’t matter.

Him - Wait a minute lol, did you message me?

Me - You suggested lunch, said you’d let me know, then never did. Why would I message you to chase up? Especially when I've been planning most of the dates recently.

Him - name you know i have very busy days its rare that i have a day of leisure. you had a visit at 2 and in the office in the morning. I never stopped all day last job was at 4 and i came home as i had an hours drive is that awright with you?

Don't even know what to or whether to respond. Who is in the wrong here? It's the is that awright with you? So aggressive.

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 20/12/2023 23:45

I would honestly not have taken it up with him. You come across as needy.

Avatartar · 20/12/2023 23:46

Felisenavedad · Today 21:18

If he spells alright as awright that would be a deal breaker for me!

that’s what I was thinking too!

Minglingpringle · 20/12/2023 23:47

You were sarcastic and chippy.

He responded defensively.

Hard to claw back a nice relationship after that.

tachetastic · 20/12/2023 23:50

To be honest, you sound like hard work. Sorry!

Namechangedworriedmama · 20/12/2023 23:56

I know someone who texts just like you.
Sounds unnecessarily aggressive and on the verge of attention seeking.

I think you should have asked if lunch was still happening

Either way, too much for a relationship that's only 3 months old.

ActDottie · 21/12/2023 00:01

I think you were passive aggressive and kinda asking for a row really.

ellyo · 21/12/2023 00:07

You are definitely setting a horrible tone for the interaction here. If he doesn't follow up like he says, you have two choices
a) choose not to chase it, and accept that it may mean the lunch doesn't happen
b) chase it, and it's more likely that it happens but accept that you had to chase it

Instead, you made yourself a victim and started a horribly passive aggressive exchange that was never going to be constructive, and then seemed surprised when it doesn't go well.

Charlize43 · 21/12/2023 00:12

You should have just left it instead of apologising.

I think you may be coming across as someone who loves a drama and is attention seeking. He's probably thinking that you are hard work.

Ktime · 21/12/2023 00:14

Well done for not putting up with this crap. He has been distant so throw him back.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 21/12/2023 00:16

You were right, the relationship is over and I think it is fair to show you are annoyed. Didn't need to apologise there. I disagree that you should be nice and polite and understanding when you've clearly been strung along. He could have apologised for being shit but his reply was very aggressive. Just move on.

YouStupidGirl · 21/12/2023 00:17

Dont contact him again, let it go. Your text was p.a. but I don’t blame you if he keeps on letting you down.

He’s just not that into you.

Copperoliverbear · 21/12/2023 00:20

I think you were both rude and you should leave the relationship there, not enough investment.

user1492757084 · 21/12/2023 00:27

You obviously have a chip on your shoulder about having to plan all the dates. You were too invested in meeting on the lunch hour - when you know it was work time permitting.

You need to communicate more kindly and more honestly.
Yes, he should have let you know but you should also have texted in a way where he could have taken the lead to apologise. Or you could speak later about his rudeness.

I waited until 2pm for your text to have lunch. You couldn't make it? .... and than he apologises.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 21/12/2023 00:31

Yes he should have contacted you but you come across as sarcastic, passive aggressive, childish and looking for some reaction. I'm not surprised he responded in the way he did!

thatwassociopathic · 21/12/2023 00:34

Am I the only one that thinks he was a dick for not following up on his suggestion of lunch and your opening message was tamer than he deserved? You set a boundary, called him out in his crap behaviour and made a stand against not being considered or respected enough to have 15 seconds spent on you to save you wondering for hours wtf is going on.

It does show he's not bothered and you should throw him back but he shouldn't get away with treating you like that. Knob. Find someone much more considerate OP Good luck

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/12/2023 00:43

So aggressive.

Yes you were. End it now… 3 months in and you’re sending messages like this, it’s doomed.

ExTheCheater · 21/12/2023 00:46

You are the aggressive one. He isn't aggressive at all.

Jacfrost · 21/12/2023 00:46

If I'd been seeing a bloke for 3 months and he sent me messages like you sent OP, I'd finish it.

LittlePudding1 · 21/12/2023 00:49

I think you're getting a hard time here op.
Personally I think you are in the right with your message.
Yes you were sarcastic but why shouldn't you have been, he suggested lunch and then didn't bother letting you know it wasn't happening. Well done for calling him out, not quite sure why everyone is saying you're in the wrong.
I don't think you should have apologised at all.

Basically, he suggested meeting and let you down with no communication, you've called him out on it, he's been aggressive with his response and not apologised or took any accountability and you've ended up apologising! Don't bother with him anymore, he sounds very self absorbed

OrchardApples · 21/12/2023 01:03

It’s the awright for me- why are you both writing it like that?😭

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/12/2023 01:26

I'm honestly surprised so many think it's rude and aggressive in the first message. I mean maybe it is, but it's not unwarranted? It's rude as fuck to ask about lunch and then not follow up, if you've been reminded the polite thing would be to apologise and say you're snowed under at work, you totally forgot, or whatever, not to put the onus on the other person to just know that?

Not that it matters obvs!

endlessdarkness · 21/12/2023 01:31

I think your tone is snarky. The only time I'd understand it is if he has form for standing you up and you have already had a discussion about it. I think his replies are reasonable. It sounds like he's been very full on. It also sounds like you're more invested than him. I may be completely wrong of course but that's my impression.

Bloom15 · 21/12/2023 01:47

AuntMarch · 20/12/2023 21:33

If someone said "are we still on for lunch today" I'd have replied "oh God, sorry, snowed under and forgot to text you. I can't make it but can we rearrange?".

If someone sent me the first message you did, I'd have thought "fuck this shit".

Completely agree

Contemplates · 21/12/2023 02:05

@jeezsolom

You were rightly put out that you had been stood up.

You know this already as you've apologised (fair play to you), but you could do with learning to say what you honestly mean.

Assertive lets him know you're disappointed to have been stood up so early on in the relationship. It doesn't pretend it doesn't matter when it clearly does (and should).

It's good you didn't chase him over it at the time. Someone who 'forgets' to even text to cancel, especially when you're so early in the relationship, hasn't given you the respect you deserve.

Personally I'd have made no contact at all. I suspect he'd have waited and then contacted you as though nothing happened. Then it's up to you whether it's a waste of your time or not.

I'm not sure what you could have achieved with your first response. I'm doubtful anyone is going to respond to being told off by saying, "oh yeah, sorry. I'm a total idiot. I won't do it again, how can I make it up to you?" Truth is, nothing you say can make a difference. Punishing him for being inept isn't going to make him pull his socks up. Actions always speak louder than words and it would have been up to you whether you decided to give him a second chance or not. Some people wouldn't. He might not have offered. I'm thinking neither of you really want to now, so probably your best bet is to chalk it up to experience and improve your confidence to have a voice next time. That way you can choose appropriate assertiveness and keep your integrity.

BalletBob · 21/12/2023 02:28

The level of shite that some women are prepared to put up with from thoroughly average men is astounding. I can't believe how many PP are accusing you of being petulant, rude, demanding, aggressive etc for letting him know you were pissed off. He asked you to have lunch with him and told you he'd be in touch to firm up plans. Then he just...didn't bother. But you are supposed to either ignore his rudeness and arrogance completely, or send some fluffy message asking how his day was and if he was busy?

I suppose it would have been more constructive and mature to just tell him directly that you were really upset and annoyed that he didn't extend even the basic courtesy of letting you know that he couldn't make it. But when we're pissed off sometimes we react emotionally, being human and all. You've hardly unleashed an abusive tirade at him. Just been a bit sarcastic and PA.

I think at 3 months it's not worth wasting time on someone who is already showing you that they don't value you. He could very easily have spent literally 20 seconds sending a text to say "Really sorry but work is crazy and I can't make lunch. I'll call you later x". He doesn't respect you.