Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

[kyletile]

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 5 months. It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children. She has said that I am 'emotionally closed off' and don't arrange dates often. I would agree with her on this but it is who I am and at 5 months in it's how I feel comfortable at the moment. This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

'Hey, I’m been having a think and I feel you are emotionally unavailable at the moment. This has been playing on my mind quite a bit and I don’t feel emotionally you can give me what I need at the moment due to this. I feel I have been making a lot of effort, trying to arrange to see you, expressing my feelings, trying to have open conversations with you and I am being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest and an overall aloofness that leaves me feeling discontented.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’m going to pull back and live my life. I will leave the door open, however, I’m no longer interested in texting everyday or expending my energy, if we’re not moving forward in some way. Ie, you arranging dates frequently and for a change/getting to know me on a deeper level. You said you noticed I hadn’t been as sexual, and I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited. It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with. I’m going to continue living my life, I’m going to start dating others again and I’m going to step away from, what feels to me, to be a toxic situation.

I’m not sure if this is how you are in general, or if it’s just with me. As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, I’m not asking you to apologise or change yourself. However, should this be a temporary state of mind then as I’ve said, I’ve left the door open for now if you wish to reach out. If not, then I wish you the best.'

I'm not sure what she wants from me. I tell her I'm interested and have feelings for her, but she says she doesn't feel it. She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

It’s pretty straight forward. Actions speak louder than words and your actions say you’re not that into her. Unless you’re ready to step up and be more proactive with the relationship she’s out, and I don’t blame her.

You’re not compatible and that’s ok. But I’d tell her that directly to give her the closure she needs rather than the door being left open.

I am 'into her' and I don't know how many other ways I can say that to her.

This may come across as harsh, but I’m going to give my point of view because I was in a similar situation many years ago.

In short , I’m proud of her! I’m proud that this girl can see her worth, knows what she wants, and won’t wait around, hoping for things to change, because at the end of the day, you are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with her wanting more, and to know where she stands.

many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was in the situation where I was absolutely crazy about somebody I met at work, but he was very vague about making plans, committing.. most things that you have explained here. It limped along for several years before I ended it for good.

I only wish I’d had the confidence in myself, when I was that age, to end it sooner.

She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

So, that's one way you know where could say it to her, but you choose not to.

You send her dick pics?

Yuk

She's dumping you. She doesn't want you to TELL her you're into her, she wants you to SHOW her. And not through the medium of dick pics.

You are clearly not capable of doing that at this moment in time.

She's hoping you may be in the future, hence her leaving the door open comment.

Your inability to understand her very clear text and very reasonable expectations suggest this is unlikely.

We're grown adults in a sexual relationship so...yes. They are reciprocal.

Wait, dick pics? Clearly I did not read the OP properly. Does she ask for them? either way, I think you should do her a favour and end it because you’re not on the same wavelength regardless of whether you are saying here that you are “Into her” or not..

I am 'into her' and I don't know how many other ways I can say that to her.

You say it but you don't show it.

Maybe you're just not compatible.

Sounds like she's having to do all the running and she's fed up of it. I don't blame her. If you really like her you need to make a LOT more effort or she's history.

Words mean fuck all OP.

You're pretty much dumped. She wants more than dick pics in her life.

You might be into her in your own mind.

But the extent to which you are capable/inclined to express that falls below what she's willing to accept. Your behaviour/communication is too distant and it's a turn off.
So she's declared herself out.
She's done so very nicely, no judgement, just been clear that the way you are (right now) in terms of how much of yourself you are willing to share openly isn't for her, but despite that she must like you as she has stated it's not a locked door, if you feel you might want to allow her in more she'd be open to that.

I'm amazed you need this explaining, she's been crystal clear there.
I think you've been lucky to have enjoyed some time with her and she's doing the right thing seeking someone who won't hold her at arms length.

Sounds like you are at different life stages.

If it was a girl friend telling me about her boyfriend of 5 months, I would be saying 'He's not that into to you, move on. You deserve better than someone than who can't arrange dates but thinks a dick pic is a declaration of interest'

Sounds like you give her casual flirting/sexual messages and no depth to you otherwise as a person.

That's fine if that's all you are wanting to give - but she clearly wants something different and has called you out on it.

Fair play.

If you are wanting a proper relationship, rather than just a shag buddy it's probably worth thinking on what's she's telling you for the next person.

Yeah, I think a relationship is what you do (over and above gracing her whatsapp with dick pics) rather than what you feel in an abstract way. You're not that keen to see her, really, and she would like to be with someone who is as keen to see her as she is to see them, so she's going to find him. And good luck to her.

You need to up your dick pic game

Woopee, how about making a bit more effort to date and get physical.

What you're doing to date sounds lazy to be honest.

I mean this gently, but she has told you what she needs and you’re not listening.

She needs you to show, with your actions not your words, that you’re into her. If you want to keep seeing her you need to:

Arrange more than half the dates. Put the same time and effort into planning them that she is. You don’t need to see her every day but she wants you to arrange the next date straight after the previous one so that she knows when she’s next seeing you.

Make her more of a priority in your life. Instead of her being the last in the list after work, kids etc she wants to come higher up. An example of this would you taking a day off to spend with her, or getting a babysitter to see her on child nights.

Be more emotionally open with her. Talk about things which are more deep and meaningful for you. Examples of this would be sharing about your childhood, loss in your life, your feelings about your children, problems you have, feelings about mistakes you’ve made in the past.

Get to know her on a deeper level. Ask her to share things with you and show a deep interest in her feelings and thoughts. Tell her how you feel about her. Show her more vulnerability.

This might not be right for you, or right for the relationship between you, in which case you need to tell her that because this is a deal breaker for her and she needs to decide on that basis.

I am 'into her' and I don't know how many other ways I can say that to her.

She doesn't want you to say it. She wants you to do it. And you're not. Move on. Let her move on.

Vomit. How revolting

She's ending it - but in a way that leaves the door open to you. But only if you are both on the same page going forward.
In the meantime she's not waiting for you to be ready for a more engaged relationship.

If this is for real, then that long text is telling you she isn't happy with the situation and is essentially ending the relationship. You sound incompatible, it doesn't really matter why. If your level of interest and enthusiasm is too low for her even when you are "into her" then it's never going to work.

Just respond with a text agreeing that you're incompatible and that you agree the relationship has come to a natural end. No need to "keep the door open" in any way.

She’s made it very clear what the text is, she’s broke up with you. She’s going to date other people. That’s fine, you’re not compatible, time for you to move on too

Mate, if you don't understand that fairly clear text, then a relationship is not the best thing for you right now. Sorry to be blunt.