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Original poster

Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

347 replies

kyletile · 20/12/2023 15:45

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 5 months. It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children. She has said that I am 'emotionally closed off' and don't arrange dates often. I would agree with her on this but it is who I am and at 5 months in it's how I feel comfortable at the moment. This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

'Hey, I’m been having a think and I feel you are emotionally unavailable at the moment. This has been playing on my mind quite a bit and I don’t feel emotionally you can give me what I need at the moment due to this. I feel I have been making a lot of effort, trying to arrange to see you, expressing my feelings, trying to have open conversations with you and I am being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest and an overall aloofness that leaves me feeling discontented.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’m going to pull back and live my life. I will leave the door open, however, I’m no longer interested in texting everyday or expending my energy, if we’re not moving forward in some way. Ie, you arranging dates frequently and for a change/getting to know me on a deeper level. You said you noticed I hadn’t been as sexual, and I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited. It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with. I’m going to continue living my life, I’m going to start dating others again and I’m going to step away from, what feels to me, to be a toxic situation.

I’m not sure if this is how you are in general, or if it’s just with me. As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, I’m not asking you to apologise or change yourself. However, should this be a temporary state of mind then as I’ve said, I’ve left the door open for now if you wish to reach out. If not, then I wish you the best.'

I'm not sure what she wants from me. I tell her I'm interested and have feelings for her, but she says she doesn't feel it. She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

OP posts:
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TallulahBetty · 20/12/2023 16:29

CatMadam · 20/12/2023 16:20

I don’t get this at all, I think sending pictures is quite sexy if both parties are into it.

Show quote history

Exactly this. If it's not your thing, fine don't do it; don't judge others who do.

tattygrl · 20/12/2023 16:29

At 5 months in, you're "happy to wait" till you next see her? If you're "into her", why aren't you more eager or excited to see her?

WorriedMum231 · 20/12/2023 16:31

How can you not be sure about what she wants from you? She’s been very clear. Do you really not know?

You’re not as interested as she’d like you to be and are looking for totally different things. The kind thing here to do would be for you to walk away so she can meet someone who can meet her needs.

VeryQuaintIrene · 20/12/2023 16:33

I don't really see what needs unpicking here!

socialdilemmawhattodo · 20/12/2023 16:34

That text message is excellent. I would love to have that woman as a friend. She has been polite, but clear as to what she wants, and has been respectful to you not to put pressure on. Your total loss. But yeah - you've been dumped.

Bobbotgegrinch · 20/12/2023 16:34

She's basically giving you an ultimatum to either change or dump her.

Given that you're not in a position to change, then that leaves you dumping her. Given that she's the one unhappy with the relationship, she should really be the one to do her own dirty work, but given that she's not, then you're going to have to be the one to do it.

I'd just send a short message back:

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand where you're coming from. Given that I'm not going to able to offer you the level of relationship that you need right now, it's for the best if we don't see each other any more. I've very much enjoyed the time we've spent together, and hope you find someone better suited for you in the future"

I know you want to fix this OP and carry on as things are, but you're not going to be able to. You're simply incompatible with each other at this point.

soscarlet · 20/12/2023 16:34

OP, I think for you being “into” someone means finding them physically attractive and wanting sex with them. For her, it means wanting an emotional connection and effort and to feel like she matters. You haven’t made her feel like she matters to you and the fact that you don’t understand her message speaks volumes about your ability to make anyone feel like they matter in a relationship.

She’s saying you don’t give her enough, and she’s upset and frustrated about that because she was really into you.

brentwoods · 20/12/2023 16:35

You definitely aren't into her. If you were, you'd be arranging future dates and not "happy to wait." She feels like she's a convenient shag and is moving on. (It's mind boggling that you couldn't understand that text)

DriftingDora · 20/12/2023 16:37

notmorezoom · 20/12/2023 15:53

You send her dick pics?

Yuk

She probably had to struggle to see it....

What a...(fill in, as appropriate..)

Sugarsun · 20/12/2023 16:37

You’re just incompatible.

It sounds like she’s someone who needs a lot of attention and reassurance.

Whilst you are happy to have a lot more space and are less needy.

If you’ve both tried to communicate and try different things but she’s still not happy then it’s simply because you’re just too different and too incompatible.

Tell her that you are sorry that it’s come to this because you do have feelings for her but agree to be friends and both move on.
Then find someone more like you.

BlazingJune · 20/12/2023 16:38

If your kids and work mean you don't have a lot of time for dating, or to invest emotionally, then you aren't really in the right place for a relationship.

In fact I'd be hard pushed to call 5 months a relationship when it sounds as if you see little of each other.

I don't like the tone of her text because it leaves the door open for you to make more of an effort, yet at the same time she's walking away.

And- you can be emotionally available if not available in person (because of your family commitments.) That's something else.

Maybe you need to consider your previous relationships and ask yourself if this is a common theme in them all?

GigiAnnna · 20/12/2023 16:39

She's ending it because you aren't giving her what she wants. But by saying she's leaving the door open, she's giving you the chance to step up and prove yourself to her. Actions speak louder than words and it sounds casual for 5 months of dating. At that stage she's wanting something deeper and more meaningful but you seem to just want casual dates and meet ups. That's fine if you're both wanting the same but she obviously does not. So you should step up or be honest with her that you don't want anything serious.

cadburyegg · 20/12/2023 16:39

You sound like the guy I'm seeing, but I'm only a month in.

I'll give you my perspective - I don't feel like the guy is "into" me. It's usually me messaging first. I am also busy with work and my children but I was willing to make the effort to see him. Last two times I have suggested meeting he has either rebuffed it and not suggested another time or been vague when responding.

If you asked him he'd probably say similar to you (minus the sexual stuff) - that he likes me but wants to take things slowly.

The first few weeks and months of a relationship should be the exciting bit where you can't wait to see each other - even if you can't meet often - and aren't left in any doubt.

As a result, I'm pulling back from it. I'm not willing to spend my time chasing someone who doesn't reciprocate my efforts.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 20/12/2023 16:41

Wildhorses2244 · 20/12/2023 16:00

I mean this gently, but she has told you what she needs and you’re not listening.

She needs you to show, with your actions not your words, that you’re into her. If you want to keep seeing her you need to:

Arrange more than half the dates. Put the same time and effort into planning them that she is. You don’t need to see her every day but she wants you to arrange the next date straight after the previous one so that she knows when she’s next seeing you.

Make her more of a priority in your life. Instead of her being the last in the list after work, kids etc she wants to come higher up. An example of this would you taking a day off to spend with her, or getting a babysitter to see her on child nights.

Be more emotionally open with her. Talk about things which are more deep and meaningful for you. Examples of this would be sharing about your childhood, loss in your life, your feelings about your children, problems you have, feelings about mistakes you’ve made in the past.

Get to know her on a deeper level. Ask her to share things with you and show a deep interest in her feelings and thoughts. Tell her how you feel about her. Show her more vulnerability.

This might not be right for you, or right for the relationship between you, in which case you need to tell her that because this is a deal breaker for her and she needs to decide on that basis.

Exactly this. You seem fine with sending intimate photos but there is no emotional involvement and that's what she needs. Otherwise you tend to feel like all you are is a sexual play thing to someone and they don't even care about you as a person.

This is NOT about seeing someone every day or a certain amount of times a week, it's about how you aren't expressing closeness to her and you aren't emotionally investing. She sounds like me- it's hard to invest sexually in someone if you feel that's only what you represent to them and they show no interest in getting to know you as a person too. That can feel very very disheartening and like you are being a bit used, frankly.

Seaweed42 · 20/12/2023 16:41

It seems you both want different things.

She wants a firm commitment that you are her long-term partner and are in this for the long haul.

Think of it like Netflix.

She wants an Annual subscription from you.

You on the other hand, are happy to have a more 'pay as you go/cancel at any time' system where you contact her when it's convenient for you.

You don't want to sign up for the degree of permanence that she would like, where she has confirmation and security of knowing you are committed to her.

Tonight1 · 20/12/2023 16:41

I couldn't get past dick pics, sorry if that makes me a prude!

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 16:41

SecondUsername4me · 20/12/2023 15:59

Sounds like you give her casual flirting/sexual messages and no depth to you otherwise as a person.

That's fine if that's all you are wanting to give - but she clearly wants something different and has called you out on it.

Fair play.

If you are wanting a proper relationship, rather than just a shag buddy it's probably worth thinking on what's she's telling you for the next person.

You like her but just aren’t at the commitment life stage. She wants a proper relationship. Neither of you are wrong. She’s doing the right thing by breaking it off.

Send her a nice text back and wish her well.
Tell her she’s great and you really like her but understand that you aren’t in the same mindset as her, regarding commitment, and you are sorry that you can’t offer more. As much as you’d like to continue seeing her, she’s probably doing the right thing for herself and you wish her well finding someone lovely who can give her what she’s looking for. It might be nice to add that that person will be incredibly lucky to have her.

BlazingJune · 20/12/2023 16:42

You're just not connecting on the emotional level she wants.

How that manifests itself, only she knows.

You send dick pics- fine- if that's what she enjoys.
But that's not deepening your emotional connection, surely.

From her point of view, she sees you in the relationship holding her at arms length.

That's what she implies by being emotionally distant.
She wants to feel loved, that you crave her company, whereas you probably come over as 'take it or leave it'.

Chocpot1986 · 20/12/2023 16:42

mrsclaus1984 · 20/12/2023 15:50

This may come across as harsh, but I’m going to give my point of view because I was in a similar situation many years ago.

In short , I’m proud of her! I’m proud that this girl can see her worth, knows what she wants, and won’t wait around, hoping for things to change, because at the end of the day, you are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with her wanting more, and to know where she stands.

many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was in the situation where I was absolutely crazy about somebody I met at work, but he was very vague about making plans, committing.. most things that you have explained here. It limped along for several years before I ended it for good.

I only wish I’d had the confidence in myself, when I was that age, to end it sooner.

God I read this message and it was like reading my history! Mine went on for 7 years! I am proud of this lady too she knows her worth!

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2023 16:42

She wants more phone calls and meet ups, rather than just messages and a date every now and then.

Sugarsun · 20/12/2023 16:42

I don't like the tone of her text because it leaves the door open for you to make more of an effort, yet at the same time she's walking away.

I agree with @BlazingJune

So many posters have said the text is clear and its obvious what she’s saying, but I don’t think it is at all.

She’s saying she’s done and wants to date other people but also leaving the door open, as in you still has a chance.

I think she’s made the message a lot more complicated than it needed to be.

And to be honest I can see her being upset/annoyed if you now end things, even though it was her choice.

She possibly wants you to fight for her and show her how much you care but I am not into those sorts of games and you might not be either.

You’ve only known each other for 5 months and it’s not working.
Both of you need to just move on.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 16:43

This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

If you can't understand the very clearly written words she's sent you then she doesn't stand a dog's chance of getting any more out of the relationship than she has so far.

She's made a wise choice

queenofallqueens · 20/12/2023 16:43

blackbeardsballsack · 20/12/2023 16:21

If you just want to send pictures of your dick to her now and again and meet up for sex now and again, why not just say that to her? Why the faux confusion and deliberate lack of understanding about what she could possibly want when she has spelled this out clearly? Stop stringing her along.

Why the faux confusion and deliberate lack of understanding about what she could possibly want when she has spelled this out clearly?

You've articulated it so well. He is well aware of what he is doing!

millymog11 · 20/12/2023 16:45

Not read the whole thread. I have read the OP (but not the OP's subsequent replies so apologies if there is key information in there).

This sentence from the OP stood out in sharp contrast to the rest of what she is saying:

"It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with"

I assume that the above sentence means up till now the OP's relationship with this person has been highly sexual and highly charged with disproportionately less time spent on getting to know each other.

The OP says "It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children."

Whether that is a fair comment or not I do not know (it might be in OP's subsequent replies).

But on the face of it:

  • OP primarily wants sex enjoys the sex but wants that sex on the condition that he doesn't have to expend too much time getting to know this woman or generally on the relationship/situation-ship outside the sex
  • The wording by this woman is a little bit text book in as much as it reads like something she learned off the internet about how to word it when you feel you are being taken advantage of sexually (ie you are only of interest to a person for the sex / your body you are giving them). Nonetheless I don't doubt she feels taken advantage of
  • Personally I wouldn't lay too much store on the stuff she is saying about keeping the door open. In my view women say that kind of thing because in their heads they want the man to turn into a decent person who is actually interested in the woman he is having sex with as a person and is going to progress it onto a real committed relationship where she is prioritised. I would bet a lot of money that deep down she knows that is never going to happen with OP. She probably put it in as an acknowledgement that he made an excuse about not being able to see her because of his kids and not much more.
  • I agree with other posters that this relationship is doomed and the OP and this woman are incompatible

OP I think you need to graciously accept what she is saying acknowledge you cannot give her what she wants (and don't mess her around any longer just because you might want no strings sex) and move onto someone new who also wants a very casual sex only situation-ship with you.

mangochops · 20/12/2023 16:45

Nothing wrong with dick pics at all but if that's all you're basically offering her then I am not surprised she's saying this. Dick pics are plentiful- we get them even when we haven't asked for them lol.

What she wants is emotional investment. If you can't do that then that's fine but you need to be honest with her that dick pics is all she'll be getting so she can move on and find someone who will offer her more.