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Original poster

Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

347 replies

kyletile · 20/12/2023 15:45

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 5 months. It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children. She has said that I am 'emotionally closed off' and don't arrange dates often. I would agree with her on this but it is who I am and at 5 months in it's how I feel comfortable at the moment. This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

'Hey, I’m been having a think and I feel you are emotionally unavailable at the moment. This has been playing on my mind quite a bit and I don’t feel emotionally you can give me what I need at the moment due to this. I feel I have been making a lot of effort, trying to arrange to see you, expressing my feelings, trying to have open conversations with you and I am being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest and an overall aloofness that leaves me feeling discontented.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’m going to pull back and live my life. I will leave the door open, however, I’m no longer interested in texting everyday or expending my energy, if we’re not moving forward in some way. Ie, you arranging dates frequently and for a change/getting to know me on a deeper level. You said you noticed I hadn’t been as sexual, and I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited. It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with. I’m going to continue living my life, I’m going to start dating others again and I’m going to step away from, what feels to me, to be a toxic situation.

I’m not sure if this is how you are in general, or if it’s just with me. As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, I’m not asking you to apologise or change yourself. However, should this be a temporary state of mind then as I’ve said, I’ve left the door open for now if you wish to reach out. If not, then I wish you the best.'

I'm not sure what she wants from me. I tell her I'm interested and have feelings for her, but she says she doesn't feel it. She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

OP posts:
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SpringboksSocks · 20/12/2023 17:03

She’s telling you what she needs, and I guess that ultimately if that’s not what you can provide then you’re not compatible.

Having said that. I’ve been with my partner for similar amount of time and our situation is actually very similar. He’s happy to leave it longer between dates, isn’t very emotionally available either and has been happy for things to progress slowly. It’s been hard work and we’ve had a couple of near-endings. However, he’s made it clear to me by his words and actions that the relationship is important to him, and we’re still going. He’s done this by giving compliments (very hard for him), taking the initiative with dates and showing interest in my life and what my kids are up to.

I’ve had to accept that he’s going to take longer and may never be as emotionally available and supportive as previous partners. What has helped a lot is that he’s explained to me why he’s the way he is. It wasn’t easy for him at all (it was clearly very uncomfortable), but it made a massive amount of difference.

Relationships take compromise and hard work and if she’s special to you then my advice is make the effort 🙂.

Ps another thing I’ve learned from my relationship with a guy who sounds extremely similar to you is that text is hopeless for these things. Ring her up or go meet her, and talk properly.

momtoboys · 20/12/2023 17:07

She is looking for someone that she feels is invested in the relationship. Good for her.

millymog11 · 20/12/2023 17:08

On a separate note, I don't think this is a reverse and it is the woman who sent the text seeking praise on MN.

I actually wonder whether this type of text (which has elements of the formulaic and is the type of thing some internet "dating coaches" and the like teach women) comes as an incredible surprise to some men who are still in the old mindset that they can railroad women into casual sex for a very long time without investing much on the assumption (which I think was much more prevalent in days gone by so fair enough to OP even tho he is a dinosaur) that she will go along with it indefinitely (hopefully) without ever putting down her cards on the table as to what she wants (and therefore taking the sex off the table). #

Unfortunately it is also the polar opposite approach that the exact same dating coaches are no doubt teaching men who struggle to get a girlfriend (eg treat women like shit and you will have them eating out of your hand style advice). (disingenuous much?)

Men have strung women along for years and sometime decades on the most flimsey of promises that one day some day their relationship might actually become something more like an "I am committed to you and you are my significant other" relationship rather than "I have sex with you whenever I have the urge and on my terms".

dooneyousmugelf · 20/12/2023 17:10

You should not be on the dating scene if 'who you are' is emotionally unavailable. You're wasting people's time and causing hurt as you will never meet expectations.

This woman sounds incredibly emotionally intelligent and communicative. She does deserves more and she knows it! Love that.

Devonshiregal · 20/12/2023 17:12

sickbucket67 · 20/12/2023 16:03

You don’t arrange dates and aren’t bothered about seeing her promptly

you want to shag her and she is nice and you like her- but you AREN’T into her.

honestly this isn’t good for either of you- when you meet someone you are actually ‘into’ you won’t be happy to wait, you’ll be chasing

Show quote history

Yes this. You’re not THAT into her.

she wants a romantic, swept up relationship and you just aren’t that way - or at least not with her. So just tell her youre not willing to give more and end it.

MushMonster · 20/12/2023 17:13

It is a break up text.
You are not giving her what she expects, so she is back in the market.
It is actually straight forward.
Not the first you got it from her.
So it cannot be a surprise or a puzzle.
What is what you are not getting is what has me puzzled......

Dontbeme · 20/12/2023 17:14

KnittedPond · 20/12/2023 16:28

Maybe the OP dresses his up, with little hats and bow ties, to ring the changes?

Show quote history

Something like this maybe, formal but fun too.

Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?
Jf20 · 20/12/2023 17:15

Well your dick pics might be reciprocal but she ain’t loving it . Is she.

shes out, the doors open, you want to make an effort, she will be available , see where it goes, she doesn’t expect you will and is going to see others. She’s sick of it and had enough.

you will just need to enjoy your dick pics alone.

ElFupacabra · 20/12/2023 17:16

Just call this one a day. Is this worth it? You both sound like you want different things. You want something casual, she wants something deeper, that’s fine. Just say you can’t give her what she needs right now so it’s best to end things.

She is saying she will see others etc but the protesting many many times about leaving the door open is obvious she’s utterly desperate for your attention. and you can’t / won’t give her what she needs. Red flags all over both sides just walk always

bananablues · 20/12/2023 17:17

She wants more than a few dates & dick pics & feels she making more effort than you. You seem quite content with a casual, low maintenance relationship and not matching her investment.

She has seen this & is moving on, good for her for drawing a line in the sand & moving on.

hartman · 20/12/2023 17:17

What do you feel towards her? Do you see a future with her? She thinks that you are not on the same page and doesn't want to be exclusive with someone who she thinks might not be committed to being in a long term relationship with her.

surferparadise · 20/12/2023 17:17

Hmm, its certainly a puzzler isn't it?

Its like a riddle wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery.

If only there were some way of deciphering what this means: I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited

Maybe it means.... oh damn, no, it's just too difficult and mysterious and enigmatic to know isn't it? 🙄

5128gap · 20/12/2023 17:17

Ideally She is hoping you will respond giving her an explanation for your lack lustre approach so far, reassure her that you're extremely into her and that from now on you will be different.
After that she wants you to be visibly keen, arrange dates, show lots of affection, talk about how much you love her and give some indication you see a future with her.
If you don't do these things she will stop having sex with you, go back on tinder and not message you unless you message her, at which point she may or may not agree to see you, depending on whether she has a better offer.

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2023 17:18

@steff13
The dick-pics being unwanted/barely tolerated will cover the most of female population around the world. A significant proportion of those women will be actively repelled by a man sending those kinds of images.

Then there is a Very small percentage of women who "don't mind sharing" photos - it is mostly a self-gratifying need to exhibit own nudes rather than a desire to view a photo stream of Nige's cock.
And then there are a few (not even a few percent, just few) who actually want to see Nige's cock.

I think it's very safe to assume that OP's ex was not in the latter two categories as I doubt the dic-pics would get a mention in the "101 ways in which you are unreasonable" text if they were not a problem.

uclpp · 20/12/2023 17:18

the text says she’s dumping you

because you aren’t what she wants in a boyfriend

she goes on to explain what she does want

and lets you know that she is prepared to re-think the dumping if you are interested in conducting the relationship in the manner she feels appropriate

overall she’s invested her time and emotions and feels as though she’s not getting the same back from you

viques · 20/12/2023 17:19

mrsclaus1984 · 20/12/2023 15:50

This may come across as harsh, but I’m going to give my point of view because I was in a similar situation many years ago.

In short , I’m proud of her! I’m proud that this girl can see her worth, knows what she wants, and won’t wait around, hoping for things to change, because at the end of the day, you are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with her wanting more, and to know where she stands.

many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was in the situation where I was absolutely crazy about somebody I met at work, but he was very vague about making plans, committing.. most things that you have explained here. It limped along for several years before I ended it for good.

I only wish I’d had the confidence in myself, when I was that age, to end it sooner.

Excellent. I thought the text explained her situation very well. A strong, articulate, confident woman should be able to express what she wants out of a relationship without having to break it down into words of one syllable. But if it helps…

”Do not send more dick pics, dick pics are not what I want in my life. I want to be able to chat to a man face to face, and I do not want to sit here on my own while you get your life in gear. “

TerfTalking · 20/12/2023 17:21

Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

Sure, you've been dumped mate.

Blah12345678999 · 20/12/2023 17:23

I think you’re incompatible and would probably do the same as her, maybe not quite with the same words but I’d cut my losses!

Sugarsun · 20/12/2023 17:23

queenofallqueens · 20/12/2023 16:48

she's not needy. she's emotionally aware and knows what she wants.

only mistake is having to spell it out to him..

Show quote history

I would say needing dates arranged a few days after the last one, is needy.

Its only been 5 months and with children and working, it’s not always easy for me to arrange dates so soon after the last one and a man wanting me too would come across as needy.

There’s nothing wrong with that but some of us prefer to have a more relaxed approach and put our other commitments (children) first and then arrange another date.

millymog11 · 20/12/2023 17:26

To be honest, the "I leave the door open" bit just makes me cringe.

Can any female on this thread honestly say after spelling it out in a text like that (texting is a bit weird IMO but everyone is different) if the man actually turned round and said "Wait wait, I am going to step up now! I am going to prioritise you, I am going to see you regularly on a pre agreed basis, I am going to find out about you as a person, I am going to prioritise you as the most important thing to me next to my job and my kids, I am going to tell everyone we are in a relationship"

Would you believe him?
I wouldn't.

And even if I did believe him I would be seriously doubtful that it was sincere or that his idea of a serious relationship would be anything like my idea of one. Its a no Clive isn't it?

The leave the door open bullshit is just her own fantasy in her head that she has not been shagging such a horrible person all this time but really she knows she has.

Blah12345678999 · 20/12/2023 17:26

Agree!

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 17:27

Is any man really so emotionally obtuse they don’t understand this text?

tara66 · 20/12/2023 17:27

How old are you? Seems you have never seen an old fashioned romance movie, don't they make them any more? They have some on Amazon Prime but I know now romance is dead.

steff13 · 20/12/2023 17:27

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2023 17:18

@steff13
The dick-pics being unwanted/barely tolerated will cover the most of female population around the world. A significant proportion of those women will be actively repelled by a man sending those kinds of images.

Then there is a Very small percentage of women who "don't mind sharing" photos - it is mostly a self-gratifying need to exhibit own nudes rather than a desire to view a photo stream of Nige's cock.
And then there are a few (not even a few percent, just few) who actually want to see Nige's cock.

I think it's very safe to assume that OP's ex was not in the latter two categories as I doubt the dic-pics would get a mention in the "101 ways in which you are unreasonable" text if they were not a problem.

I did not realize that you spoke for most of the female population. I stand corrected. You clearly know this woman better than the OP does.

queenofallqueens · 20/12/2023 17:28

Sugarsun · 20/12/2023 17:23

I would say needing dates arranged a few days after the last one, is needy.

Its only been 5 months and with children and working, it’s not always easy for me to arrange dates so soon after the last one and a man wanting me too would come across as needy.

There’s nothing wrong with that but some of us prefer to have a more relaxed approach and put our other commitments (children) first and then arrange another date.

Show quote history

It is precisely because of childcare and work that you need to arrange it.

And it is very stupidly smug to conclude from one text that she doesn't proritize her children.

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