Can someone unpick this text for me from woman I'm seeing?

[kyletile]

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 5 months. It is going much slower than she would like, I am aware of that. This is due to my work, and when I have my children. She has said that I am 'emotionally closed off' and don't arrange dates often. I would agree with her on this but it is who I am and at 5 months in it's how I feel comfortable at the moment. This morning I woke up to this text and haven't yet responded as to be honest, I'm not really sure what she wants from it. Is it a break up text? Is it an ultimatum? Anyone any idea?

'Hey, I’m been having a think and I feel you are emotionally unavailable at the moment. This has been playing on my mind quite a bit and I don’t feel emotionally you can give me what I need at the moment due to this. I feel I have been making a lot of effort, trying to arrange to see you, expressing my feelings, trying to have open conversations with you and I am being met with a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest and an overall aloofness that leaves me feeling discontented.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I’m going to pull back and live my life. I will leave the door open, however, I’m no longer interested in texting everyday or expending my energy, if we’re not moving forward in some way. Ie, you arranging dates frequently and for a change/getting to know me on a deeper level. You said you noticed I hadn’t been as sexual, and I need emotional closeness with someone for my sexual desire to be kept ignited. It can’t possibly survive on dick pics and sexts with no depth or closeness to the person I am sharing with. I’m going to continue living my life, I’m going to start dating others again and I’m going to step away from, what feels to me, to be a toxic situation.

I’m not sure if this is how you are in general, or if it’s just with me. As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, I’m not asking you to apologise or change yourself. However, should this be a temporary state of mind then as I’ve said, I’ve left the door open for now if you wish to reach out. If not, then I wish you the best.'

I'm not sure what she wants from me. I tell her I'm interested and have feelings for her, but she says she doesn't feel it. She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

It sounds more like incompatibility than anything else, OP.

I'm more like you, and if a man were to send me a long text about expressing feelings and getting to know one another on a deeper level, I'd lose the will to live. I just can't be arsed with all of that - it's what I would regard as "teenage" navel-gazing.

Even if I liked someone, if he sent me that text, it would put me off enough to say in response "I really like you, but I just can't give you what you need from a relationship". And then give her chance to find someone who's more suited to the deep and meaningful stuff.

As for As much as I hope you can work through your emotional blocks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, this would actually really piss me off! Why would anyone assume that anyone else needs or wants to be vulnerable and/or "work through their emotional blocks"?

In short, I'd think you'd dodged a bullet.

You don’t arrange dates and aren’t bothered about seeing her promptly

you want to shag her and she is nice and you like her- but you AREN’T into her.

honestly this isn’t good for either of you- when you meet someone you are actually ‘into’ you won’t be happy to wait, you’ll be chasing

@IFindYouAnnoyingNigel relationships require people to be emotionally close….

If I'd been your unfortunate girlfriend, you'd have been unceremoniously dumped upon receipt of the very first dick pic.

I'm sure she would be thrilled you posted a private text to you on the internet. I'd dump you from a great height for that.

She's had a lucky escape.

Ah, the classic MN put-down for someone who thinks differently from you.

You want all the deep and meaningful stuff: fine. Lots of men do, too. Lots of women don't. I'm one of them. I was married to a navel-gazer and it was hell.

You can be close without "opening up" about your childhood, previous relationships etc. That's all too much energy. Just enjoy the relationship or don't.

You're not into her. If you were by 5 months in you'd be chomping at the bit to spend every waking minute with her. Exit stage left with dignity

I think her rather fabulous text, is very clear.

You not giving her what she wants or needs, so she's moving on.

If you're ready in the future, to give her what she is telling you she needs, then you can contact her. If not, leave her alone.

What are you not understanding.

How do you form bonds with people then if you never have deep and meaningful conversations? What do you actually talk about with someone you’re dating? How do you get to know their values, outlook on life, aspirations, character?

You're not into her.

She didn't need to write you such a long text, it's wasted on you.

She sounds emotionally aware and lovely- hope she finds someone better suited to her soon

Her: “I want you to arrange dates with me within a few days of the previous one”

OP: “What does she want! It’s a complete mystery! Women are such enigmas! I’ve no idea what I’ve done wrong!”

OP you might be happy seeing her monthly and being emotionally closed off but SHE IS NOT. She’s spelled that out for you clear as day. She’s dumping you. Just accept it. Telling her you’re “into her” is meaningless when your behaviour shows you’re not very into her at all.

I mean it's a very well written and clear message. What's not to understand?

She wants a proper relationship. You don’t.

So leave her alone and find someone who wants the same as you.

She doesn’t want you to keep saying it. She wants you to act it. She wants affection and reassurance that you’re looking at this as a long term relationship.

Youre going through the motions of a relationship without allowing that emotional attachment. She’s investing time in you and it feels wasted so she’s decided not to waste more time.

Ah that's sad. She wants more than a string of dates and feeling disconnected in between.

Her long text implies that she did like you and hoped for too long that it'd be more that feeling disconnected in-between sporadic dating.

I feel bad for her, been in these shoes.

Firstly, how old are you? Why on earth would you think any woman would want a picture of your salty, cheesy knob?

Honestly, I’m retching as I type. Both of you, grow the f*ck up. No wonder social media kills most relationships before they get going.

Secondly, I don’t think you are dumped. I think you’ve been relegated to “I like him, and enjoy his sleazy pictures, but it’s going nowhere and I know exactly what I want. If he wants to go on a date and have sex, fine, but I’m back on the market looking for Mr.Perfect”. If she wanted to dump you, she would have been clearer. She’s not held back. She’s just keeping her options open big time.

I’m interested to know if any women on here, who have phone sex, send pictures of themselves, receive pictures of naked mole rats in an angry mood, have actually ever ended up with the recipient long term - kids, marriage etc?

I know someone who does this, and they seem to have a lot of problems finding a nice bloke. I’m pretty sure if I was internet dating I’d block someone who thought their knob was attractive enough to send me.

What don't you understand? She was super clear. Way more than it sounds like you deserve.

Honestly, I think she's an idiot to 'leave the door open' to you. You don't even understand you're not meeting her needs and desires when she says "you're not meeting my needs and desires." I hope she sees this thread and realises she's invested way too much hope in the situation and given you wildly more credit than you deserve.

If you want to do her a favour, message back and say, thanks, I appreciate your honesty, but do go ahead and close the door because I'm never going to be able to meet your needs.

I don't feel you've been dumped.
She's giving you an ultimatum to put more effort and energy in (actions not words) so is leaving the ball in your court.

You will be dumped if you don't step up!

@IFindYouAnnoyingNigel I can see why you’re divorced

I think she sounds hard work to be honest. Not everyone wants to talk about their feelings all day. Equally not everyone wants dick pics all day either.

OP's obviously gone to take another dick pic...

You aren’t compatible. That’s the crux of it. A relationship is a lot more than liking eachother. She has a need for contact and engagement that you cannot match. And you have a need for no contact that she cannot match.

You both need to move on.

She wants dates arranged within a few days of our last and I'm quite happy to wait.

For how long? Normally if you're seeing someone, you're seeing them pretty frequently and it would certainly be the norm to arrange a date soon after the last one rather than just leave each other in limbo. If you can't see that you need to demonstrate to her that you care, rather than just using words that don't get translated into action, then she's absolutely right, you are not emotionally ready for a relationship.