Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

201 replies

RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:34

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

OP posts:
VestPantsandSocks · 20/12/2023 12:43

Are they closer to your brother and his wife?

FairytaleOfKent · 20/12/2023 12:46

My first thought was the same as @VestPantsandSocks. I reckon I get more from my in laws than my BIL and SIL (both married into the family). I see them weekly though, whereas they see them once a year - if that.

Lemsipper · 20/12/2023 12:49

Yanbu it must be uncomfortable. I felt like my mum would have preferred me to be someone else sometimes, someone she felt was more impressive. Perhaps they feel this way about SIL and put her on some pedastal.

either way, id just get on with my life and let it be and there actions will probably be reflected back on them later in life when im not all that available to look after them.

Lemsipper · 20/12/2023 12:50

VestPantsandSocks · 20/12/2023 12:43

Are they closer to your brother and his wife?

How can you say this…..when she is their literal daughter.

wutheringkites · 20/12/2023 12:50

Does your SIL buy expensive gifts for them and they feel the need to reciprocate?

Or do they feel a bit inferior to her financially/ socially and want to impress her?

wutheringkites · 20/12/2023 12:51

VestPantsandSocks · 20/12/2023 12:43

Are they closer to your brother and his wife?

This is still unreasonable though. I would find it bizarre if my MIL spent more on me than on one of her children, no matter how close we are.

Projectme · 20/12/2023 12:52

Does SiL do more things for them? i.e. picking up prescriptions or shopping or drop in for coffee. Not saying that because she does those things, that she should get more presents at Xmas but it could be a way of your parents saying 'thankyou' for the extra things she does?

Or does your DB/SiL have children and your parents are more involved with them as a family because of the grandchildren?

Has DB/SiL lost their job so they don't have as much ££ swimming around as you might, so your parents want to add extras to their gifts for them?

TokyoSushi · 20/12/2023 12:52

What do they get your DP's? If it's a very expensive gift, they might feel obliged to 're pay' them.

MayMi · 20/12/2023 12:53

Sometimes families members play favourites, it can be a conscious decision but sometimes it isn't. It's hard to know exactly what/why without asking them directly, but honestly it might not be worth it since it's about presents and might make you look bad.

Just stick to looking at what you've received and express thanks.

Amberjane41 · 20/12/2023 12:53

looks like they are pretty much spending the same on the women of the family and the same on the men. I get that. I wouldn’t dream of getting my daughter in law less of a present than my daughter. Is she the mother of their grandchildren. I think you are being unreasonable

Original poster
RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:55

To answer Q’s, no, I see my parents a lot more than SIL does. I see them every week, her once a month maybe? She doesn’t do anything for my parents, but in the same vein neither do I really, they’re not of the age/ stage yet where they need help with things really.

Both my DB and I have 2 DC so no disparity there and luckily all the GC seem to get a similar amount spent on them.

It’s just me and DH who seemingly don’t.

I think it’s to try and impress SIL, but IMO, that’s no excuse.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 20/12/2023 12:56

I guess it depends on their relationship.

If the SIL spends time with them and helps them much more than your DH, then perhaps their presents reflect their gratitude at the effort she puts in.

Does she not have her own family nearby, perhaps they feel the need to compensate for that.

Does she have a pretty tough life (lots of DCs, special needs etc) and they are trying to support her.

Holly60 · 20/12/2023 12:56

I don't think it's at all odd that they would spend the same on your SIL as they do on you. I do the same with DD and DDIL.

It is odd to buy her MORE though. Ask them why?

Original poster
RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:59

To be honest it’s not really me that I have the issue with. It’s the discrepancy between how much they spend on my DH (think £30) and SIL (think £130) last year was embarrassing and I felt really hurt on his behalf and don’t want to be put in that situation again next week if I can avoid it with a phone call. It might make them see that what they’re doing is unkind/ unreasonable too!

OP posts:
Projectme · 20/12/2023 13:02

RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:59

To be honest it’s not really me that I have the issue with. It’s the discrepancy between how much they spend on my DH (think £30) and SIL (think £130) last year was embarrassing and I felt really hurt on his behalf and don’t want to be put in that situation again next week if I can avoid it with a phone call. It might make them see that what they’re doing is unkind/ unreasonable too!

Blimey! that's a huge discrepancy. I'd have probably said something to my parents after xmas last year to ask why they'd not spent equally on their kids spouses. I guess as you say, they're trying to impress her but I wonder why?

REP22 · 20/12/2023 13:05

One of the things that I find most challenging at Christmas is that it always shows up how very, very much my mother loves my SIL more than me. She is absolutely lovely and a wonderful SIL, but having heard a few years back "you're the daughter I always wanted but never had" said to her when I was in the next room is hard to get over. My SIL was left uncomfortable and embarrassed by it as well, but it's a bit of an unbroachable subject.

But you're not wrong; what they're doing is bonkers. I'm sorry. But it sounds like your DH has your back over this and that's a good thing. But I probably wouldn't say anything - it might make it worse. Next year she'll get a Cartier bracelet and you'll get an orange.

LightToTheWorld · 20/12/2023 13:06

Could it just be that they're a bit disorganised? My mother regularly gives one of us far more than the other because she's not very good at remembering what she's bought.

2jacqi · 20/12/2023 13:06

@RightwayUP01 that is shocking!!! I have always spent the same on my children and their spouses!! no one gets any more than the other. same with the grandchildren. I do remember an occurrence where my hubby's brothers's wife got a ton of presents more than the other daughters in law. I wasnt best pleased. we all got some kind of ornament (hideous) but she also go a skirt and two blouses!!

SkaneTos · 20/12/2023 13:08

@REP22
I'm sorry you heard your mother say that. That's harsh.

ImFloatingInAMostPeculiarWay · 20/12/2023 13:11

Lemsipper · 20/12/2023 12:50

How can you say this…..when she is their literal daughter.

Show quote history

So - my mother in law is closer to sister bf because she sees him a lot more than DH

MysweetAudrina · 20/12/2023 13:11

I get my sons girlfriend more than I get my dds boyfriends. Only because I see loads of things I think she would like and not so much them. So normally a token gift for them and a bottle of good perfume and/or branded clothes for her. Also she has no contact with her mother so doesn't even get a text from her on Xmas day so I try to make her feel more included in my giving, whereas the bfs have loving families of their own. I don't favour her as a person but I do try and compensate for what she doesn't get from her own family.

pizzaHeart · 20/12/2023 13:12

RightwayUP01 · 20/12/2023 12:55

To answer Q’s, no, I see my parents a lot more than SIL does. I see them every week, her once a month maybe? She doesn’t do anything for my parents, but in the same vein neither do I really, they’re not of the age/ stage yet where they need help with things really.

Both my DB and I have 2 DC so no disparity there and luckily all the GC seem to get a similar amount spent on them.

It’s just me and DH who seemingly don’t.

I think it’s to try and impress SIL, but IMO, that’s no excuse.

I think it’s like they are trying to buy a good relationship with her by buying extra gifts whereas assume that you are being their daughter will have good relationship with them whatever.
I would mention that to them, not on a point of money but as about them treating her differently than other in-laws and even you, their own daughter. Tell it now before it becomes more upsetting for you and/or overflow into grandchildren.

DPotter · 20/12/2023 13:12

Not much you can do for this Christmas, but this is the time to suggest a Secret Santa for all the adults for next year.

Saves so much hassle - there are apps you can use to assign who you're buying for and where you can put a wish list of items you would like. We have a maximum spend too. We've been doing this for years now and it's great. You have to be strict about it - no extras from or to anyone!

TheCurlyKnobhead · 20/12/2023 13:14

REP22 · 20/12/2023 13:05

One of the things that I find most challenging at Christmas is that it always shows up how very, very much my mother loves my SIL more than me. She is absolutely lovely and a wonderful SIL, but having heard a few years back "you're the daughter I always wanted but never had" said to her when I was in the next room is hard to get over. My SIL was left uncomfortable and embarrassed by it as well, but it's a bit of an unbroachable subject.

But you're not wrong; what they're doing is bonkers. I'm sorry. But it sounds like your DH has your back over this and that's a good thing. But I probably wouldn't say anything - it might make it worse. Next year she'll get a Cartier bracelet and you'll get an orange.

Wow, not sure I could get over that

MrsWhites · 20/12/2023 13:14

I think I’d have to ask about the gift for your DH, that’s not on to spend so much more on SIL, I’m not saying spending has to be completely equal but to spend £130 on one is ridiculous if you are only going to spend £30 on another.

I’d have to ring and say that you felt really uncomfortable last year and is there a particular reason why SIL gets so much?