To feel resentful of how much DP's spend on SIL for Christmas?

[RightwayUP01]

This is one of those situations where I probably am being unreasonable to be honest but it makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and I'm wondering whether to try and mitigate it this year by saying something...or would that be completely unreasonable?

My parents every year on Christmas day give me my presents, then immediately after give my SIL (DB's wife) her gifts. They're always exactly the same as mine (so for example perfume, new PJ's/ Slippers and jewellery) which in itself I've always found a bit odd. However, the last 2 years they've given me my presents in front of everyone, then given SIL hers and she's received exactly the same gifts as me as usual, but then also a couple of extra?! Even DH looked a bit shocked and embarrassed last year.

They also clearly don't spend half the amount on DH as they do SIL, which again, is embarrassing when we're exchanging gifts in front of one another. DH has never said anything but last year I felt affronted for him.

WIBU to say something along the lines of if there's massive discrepancies in terms of presents, please give gifts privately?

I know I sound like a 6 year old brat, it's NOT the money, it's the principal. I have 2 SIL's DH's side and there's no way that my PIL would spend the same or more on me than they do both of their DD's which is completely understandable. There's also no way they'd spend loads more on my 2 BIL's and not make any attempt to hide it on Christmas day.

Yes definitely say something or ask for a voucher and see the discrepancy then.

Thanks @Nanny0gg. I just "Nanny Ogg" my way through it. 😉She's never going to change, but the problem lies with her and not me. Other people being aware of it has helped. I have refused to do any more holiday accompanying as I get slapped for "being cheeky in front of people". I am 48. The dog has perfected the well-timed eyeroll.

Thank you also @RightwayUP01 - I am sorry to have jumped on your thread with my own situation. Sincere apologies. What you have described sounds odd and really upsetting. I hope you are able to find a way forward that makes things better and eases your discomfort. Every good wish to you. x

Nooo, it's fine, honestly. Vent away, this thread is a vent safe space :-) Thank you, I hope you manage to have a good Christmas with your mum this year if you're seeing her x

How much do they spend on DB, similar to you?

Christmas often highlights issues in relationships and people’s subconscious feelings.
id just bear Christmas in mind during your day to day relationship with your parents- give them the energy they give you

How old are your kids?

We used to notice that DMs parents spent very little in our DF but quite an extraordinary amount in our uncle. At about 5years old a cousin said to our DF "Have you been a naughty boy this year Uncle B?" much to the consternation of all adults present.

Now, my father was/is an absolute gobshite. As an adult I totally understand the venom with which my GM hated him. But as a kid I was always mortified for him and resented her for it. That was something she regretted - we discussed her absolute distaste for him before she died, once she realised I knew about his command act!

Not saying your mum is justified or your DH is a gobshite but that all the kids will notice and will wonder why.

My husband struggles with this in the opposite way... last year my mum bought my husband an expensive case of wine (I don't drink), she gave my oldest son £50, my youngest son a £20 roblox card, my youngest daughter a £10-15 art set and mu oldest daughter and I were both gifted earrings from her jewellery box. (Oldest daughter was 10 then). dd was gutted as the earrings were just not at all her style... I was bemused and disappointed as I don't have pierced ears! They weren't nice, expensive pieces either just old tat. I took dd to the shops and let her choose a pair of earrings she liked. Husband was furious on my behalf.

Send a quick message if it's bothering you
Something breezy
" hi I know you struggle with Dh presents and I thought of a few ideas to help. Voucher, book, booze, vinyl. Sorry it's short notice. Wanted to get the ideas to you as soon as I could "
"Look forward to seeing you on Christmas Day and seeing his suprise at his gift you have chosen from the list "

That does sound odd. I would probably ask DPs for something that would be stupid to replicate for SIL, and ask for something specific for DH.

You could always say something like you have noticed they buy SIL exactly what they get for you (plus more) but seem to struggle with DH so you are just “being helpful?”

I don't know what I'd do in this case, honestly, and it's easy to think you'd say something than to actually go through with it. However, I believe I'd have to say something, trying to not sound confrontational. Your parents aren't stupid. They have to know that you see the discrepancy, notice it, and may wonder about it, even if you don't feel hurt (which I certainly would!). You're their child; they should be able to talk about things and explain their choices.

But I can understand that this would feel uncomfortable, so in your shoes I'd likely just stew over it and say nothing until a breaking point. I have two siblings, so I'd vent to one not married to the SIL in question, most likely.

They probably just like her more

I would feel a little hurt by this. My mother used to do similar with my husband. She would spend in excess of 100 pounds on him, and my gift was always something with absolutely no thought. For example one year she bought him some expensive electrical goods he had really wanted, and bought me a pair of pyjamas 4 sizes too big. It wasn’t the material cost, more the fact she gave absolutely no thought to what she got me.

I think it is very odd. The only thing I can think of which would makes sense is do you SIL parents buy your DB expensive presents? Has she got a brother who receives duplicate presents to your DB😂

Does your SIL have her own family. After my mum passed away, MIL massively increased how much she gave me at Christmas. I think she worried that I didn't have family to get me gifts and she wanted to make up for it! I'm incredibly grateful but I do often get more than DH, which feels odd!

SIL has her own very loving family who spoil her rotten so it's not that they're trying to compensate.

I think it's 2 things, trying to impress her/ buy her affection and as another PP said, keeping her sweet as she's effectively the lock and key to their DGC.

Could be that he’s harder to buy for, or they like her more, or whatever. It’s odd and rude.

If it happens this year bring it up on Boxing Day though, or after Christmas days itself. It won’t make anything better to address it then and there especially if you are hosting.

I think I'd just rather bring it up before and say if there is a big discrepancy in what you've bought/ how much you've spent on SIL compared to DH, please give SIL her gifts privately rather than in front of everyone. I don't think I want to put DH through the embarrassment for another year.

This thread is absolutely blowing my mind. This is adults we’re talking about right? Not children? You think your parents should give your adult husband £50 in a card so that the same amount is spent on him are your SIL? I can’t believe so many people are saying to call your parents out on this. It’s utterly mortifying. Adult men, in laws especially, are so hard to buy for. You admit you struggle to buy for him yourself. A token £50 in a card is completely bonkers to me. I’m honestly flabbergasted. You buy people things you think they’d like. That’s it. Sometimes that’ll be something more expensive (perfume for SIL) at sometimes something less expensive (boxers). Adults complaining over the monetary value of gifts is so so gross to me. Wild. Horrible.

I get you. My mil used to buy favourite bil’s dc presents from better quality shops than for my kids.

Also, went away with in laws to France . Mil brought a nice jumper. Several months later, I got it as a birthday present.

Great that you feel that way, but it's the sentiment behind it that I don't like. Again, if you want to gift one person a lot more than another fair enough, but don't be so insensitive to rub it in people's faces.

(For the record, we visited in-laws, helped out etc more than bil, who’s visits we used to refer to as ‘The royal visit’ as the red carpet was already rolled out for him.

Great that you feel that way, but it's the sentiment behind it that I don't like. Again, if you want to gift one person a lot more than another fair enough, but don't be so insensitive to rub it in people's faces

What sentiment?? You are placing sentiment there that likely doesn’t exist. SIL is easier to buy for than DH. That’s likely all there is to it. As for “rubbing it in peoples faces” that’s YOU seeing it that way. You honestly think your parents are maliciously trying to snub your DH once a year on Christmas Day? You really don’t think it’s just that he’s hard to buy for (by your own admission)?

It's not about arbitrary equality of spend, nor about monetary value of what gifts are given, but about the blatant imbalance between SIL and OP's DH. That's obviously an embarrassing situation for OP and her DH and probably everyone else there. I'm sure if OP's DH was given thoughtful presents it wouldn't be an issue. The issue is clearly that SIL is spoilt rotten while in the same room, DH is given some pyjamas (or whatever), and OP doesn't want her DH feeling snubbed.

I cant understand what the big deal is and saying this in the nicest possible way, if it's that much of an issue why dont you and husband just stop buying for others and tell them not to buy for you and both of you buy your own and for each other as opposed to comparing costs and amount of items received from others.

Why does it blow your mind? I buy people things i think they will like within a certain price range. If something is a lot lower I will buy another small present. If a lot more, then I don't buy it. I think that quite normal.